(I don‘t even want to know what her monthly shampoo bill is.)
CAST: Voices of Mandy Moore, Zachery Levi, Donna Murphy, Ron Perlman, Jeffrey Tambor, M.C. Gainey.
DIRECTOR: Nathan Greno, Byron Howard.
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and pretty strong arguments for keeping a “bob” haircut.
I’ve always suspected that The Brothers Grimm must have been the John Carpenter and Wes Craven of their time.
Consider the Grimm’s Fairy Tales, the massive compendium of stories that Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm collected and unleashed upon the world for centuries to come. These grisly stories were collected and told, re-told, re-re-told, and re-re-re-told - and eventually put on paper because they could freak out more people that way. And wouldn’t have to walk all over the fucking European continent to do it.
In case you’re wondering why I chose the word “grisly” above, well, that’s because many of the original tales were. Hence the comparison of Jacob and Wilhelm to horror auteurs Carpenter and Craven. All one has to do is thumb through any copy of the complete stories to find explicit allusions to murder, kidnapping, suicide, mutilation, cannibalism, assault, and any other atrocity you care to mention. You name it, the Brothers Grimm probably peddled it in one of their stories.
For example, did you know that in the original version of Cinderella (known as “Aeschputtel”) the wicked stepsisters actually slice off parts of their feet so that they can fit into the glass slipper Prince Charming uses to track Cinderella down? Or that the big bad wolf in “Little Red Hiding Hood” did actually devour Grandma in a most graphic manner? Or that the dwarfs in “Snow White” weren’t exactly cute or adorable - and more closely resembled Gollum and his Six Drinking Buddies? Or that hag from “Hansel and Gretel” really intended to roast the trespassing and thieving little brats in her oven. That was definitely not a figure of speech when she threatened to roast them alive.
All in all, Disney pretty much sanitized the Grimm’s fairy tales when they shaped them into chirpy, giddy movies and foisted them on an unsuspecting world. So much so that many people forget their dark and utterly fucked-up origins. As a result, generations of Americans have a rather rose-colored view of these stories.
Our latest review is also Disney’s latest bastardization of a Grimm’s Fairy Tale. Having twisted CINDERELLA, SLEEPING BEAUTY, and SNOW WHITE into something sleek and polished beyond comprehension, the powers-that-be at Disney - crackhead, all of them - set their sights on… RAPUNZEL. Yes, the story of that chick with so much blonde hair that she would’ve been worshipped as a goddess in the state of California. Hell, the entire West Coast.
The film is called TANGLED, and almost immediately we know that, once again, those crackheads at Disney aren’t exactly concerned with being true to the fairy tale. See, in the fairy tale, the story kicks off with some woman hungering majorly for the lettuce growing in her next door neighbor’s garden. I am so fucking serious. Anyhow, the owner of the garden is some sorceress who threatens to punish anyone who dares to eat her produce. Again, I am so fucking serious.
Anyhow, true to human nature, the woman naturally hungers more and more for that which she cannot have - the lettuce that belongs to the psycho-magical chick that lives next door. Soon, she gets sick and gets weaker and weaker, because all she can think of is the lettuce next door. Once again, I am so fucking serious.
At this point, the lady’s husband decides to ignore the sorceress’s warning about nobody touching her lettuce - and sneaks into the garden in the middle of the night. This guy must seriously be pussy-whipped because I would’ve been like: “Sweetie, it’s pretty simple: that bitch next door is a sorceress who will likely turn my nuts into quail eggs and your tits into dessicated yams with a snap of her finger, if we steal her lettuce. So, six words, my dearest: Salad Bar At The Corner Deli. Five more words: Get Your Ass To It.”
Alas, our man clearly doesn’t wear the pants in that family and chooses the stupid choice: he steals the lettuce and brings it back to his dumbass wife. Who promptly devours that shit like it’s Orgasm In A Bowl. I wouldn’t be surprised if she reenacted that scene from WHEN HARRY MET SALLY. I bet the sorceress got clued in to the theft because of the Drama Queen next door’s incessant moaning and groaning over the taste of that goddamn lettuce. You’d think she was sucking James Franco’s cock or something.
Anyway, the sorceress soon discovers the theft and demands that the couple give her their first-born child. Knowing they don’t have much of a fucking choice or their collective asses will be someone’s lawn, the couple agree and nine months later, they hand over a beautiful baby girl to the witch. Who then names the tyke…. Rapunzel. Care to guess why? Well, the word “Rapunzel” is German for… lettuce.
I’ll let you folks chew on that for a second - or two, or three, or seventy-five - while I feed my cat, call my Mom, call my “Friend With Benefits # 1” to cancel our dinner plans, toss a salad (literally, schmucks), call “Friend With Benefits # 2” to come over in an hour, and take out the garbage so that the place doesn’t smell like pizza leftovers when “Friend With Benefits # 2” shows up.
So… I’m back. Anyhow, there you have it… RAPUNZEL is about a chick named after a salad green. You can actually understand Disney’s decision to eighty-six this plot point. Sure enough, in TANGLED, the inciting incident for the drama is not lettuce, but something else. Our screenwriters have concocted some colossal bullshit about a magical flower that keeps whoever eats it forever young. In other words, it’s a medieval form of Botox or some shit.
A King gets ahold of the flower somehow and decides to give it to his dying wife to rejuvenate her. Not only does it work, the flower also causes the Queen to, nine months later, squeeze out a little moppet with tons of blonde hair - whom they name Rapunzel. So far, so happily-ever-after, right? I mean, except for the fact that the kid is named after a Salad bar staple?
Wrong. Turns out that flower was actually the property of some evil witch who would periodically use it to, um, freshen her appearance up. Kind of like the way the majority of Beverly Hills makes regular visits to their local aestheticians. Except there’s hundreds of aesthetician offices in Beverly Hills - and only one of that magic flower in the whole world. Let’s just say that our evil witch wants her youth-restoring shit back - very bad.
Realizing that Rapunzel’s hair has the very same “Fountain of Youth” properties as the flower, our evil witch kidnaps the little tyke and raises her as her own, deep in a valley in the woods that no one knows exists. In this little corner of the hinterlands, our overly-maned blonde moppet grows into a seriously overly-maned blonde teen. I’m not fucking around here. With all that hair, you could literally fashion a lasso, toss it into space, and nab the Moon, Mars, Orion’s Belt, and still have some room for a few of Jupiter’s Moons.
Our witch thinks she’s got it made. With her “Youth Pimp” trapped in the tower, she just periodically pays a visit to, I guess, rub up against all that hair and make those wrinkles and fine line go bye-bye, and say “howdy” to firm, plump skin. Look, I told you the Grimm’s Fairy Tales were seriously fucked-up. Did you think this one was going to be an exception?
Anyhow, this rather strange existence between Rapunzel and her Evil Witch Stepmother is upended with the arrival of fugitive rogue, Flynn Rider. Just imagine Joey Tribbiani - but somehow more cheesy, if that’s even possible. Only then could you begin to picture Disney’s latest hero. Let’s just say that his favorite pick-up line with the ladies is, “I didn’t want to have to do this - but you leave me no choice: here comes ‘The Smoulder.’” At which point, Flynn fixes Rapunzel with a gaze so hilarious, sexy, and horrifying at the same time, that you can’t exactly blame her for using a frying pan to pound some sense into his head.
So… will Flynn be able to free Rapunzel from her captive state as the Evil Witch’s quasi-plastic surgeon? Will Rapunzel convince Flynn to take her back to the castle from whence she came? And is Flynn really, well, Flynn’s name? Will Rapunzel realize that the Evil Witch is not really her Mom? And when she does, will she use all her hair to strangle the bitch?
Actually, scratch that… the witch might enjoy it too much.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Although I consider myself to be a connoisseur of folk tales from around the world (especially the Grimm‘s Fairy Tale because of my part-German heritage), and think of myself as somewhat of an amateur folklorist, I have to say I’ve never been much of a fan of the Disney Fairy Tale Flicks. They’re just way too, well, clean.
So, it came as a bit of surprise that I enjoyed TANGLED as much as I did. Much of the delight I derived from this movie stems from the clever way it combines the old-world feel of a fairy tale with some very modern sensibilities. This is nothing new, as the SHREK films have played this card over and over again. What makes it notable, though, is TANGLED manages to keep the technique fresh and constantly-exciting, instead of potentially tired and overdone.
While the character of Rapunzel has been updated to be appropriately tough and resourceful, the ace up TANGLED’s sleeve is the lovable doofus Flynn Rider who is not your typical hero - far from it, in fact. This is a guy who runs from fights, fights only if he has to, and isn’t afraid to condescend to the heroine. Ironically, these traits that might have been undesirable in a live-action character, come across winningly in a cartoonish one. Part of Flynn’s appeal is he doesn’t come across as some noble and uptight superman. What we get is basically a charming, slightly clueless dork who uncovers his inner hero as the story progresses. Had the creators of TANGLED given us a more polished hero, the film would not have been as effective, enjoyable, and memorable as it ultimately turns out to be.
All in all, TANGLED is a solid entry into the Disney pantheon of Fairy Tales that gains maximum mileage from a smart, sharp presentation - and a hero that is one of the best ever in a cartoon. Had Rapunzel been presented in the same unexpectedly quirky way, TANGLED would have rated a little higher. As it is, it’s fine entertainment for the whole family.
