(Well, that’s one way to get the entire student body talking…)
CAST: Paul Rust, Hayden Pannatierre, Jack Carpenter, Lauren Storm, Lauren London, Kevin Michaels, Alan Ruck, Andrea Savage, Marie Avregoupoulos, Josh Emerson, Cynthia Stevenson.
DIRECTOR: Chris Columbus
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one out-of-control inner voice straight ahead…
Our last review, the underrated horror film THE POOL, dealt with twelve students who celebrate their high school graduation by breaking into a humongous in-door water park to celebrate. Unfortunately, they’re joined by a masked psycho killer who proceeds to thin their herd with a very sharp machete.
Our next review, the equally underrated comedy I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER, also deals with students celebrating their high school graduation by throwing a party. Only it doesn’t take place in an awesome in-door water park. No one dies. The worse that happens is someone gets his face punched in. And there’s no psycho killer. Unless you count Beth Cooper’s militant asshole boyfriend. That’s one guy who’s going to have his picture up at the post office soon.
But before we get to that, let’s talk about the graduation ceremony that kicks our story off, because it’s a doozy. Our hero is Dennis Cooperman (Paul Rust), and he’s your basic Valedictorian type: cute, likable, and sweet - but not about to give Chris Evans or James Franco any competition anytime soon. In fact, Dennis has pretty much lived a sheltered high school life defined by: (1) studying relentlessly; (2) hanging out with sexually-ambiguous pal Rich (Jack Carpenter); and most significantly: (3) pining and longing endlessly over the luscious Beth Cooper (Hayden Pannatierre), the school’s head cheerleader.
Beth, however, doesn’t even know Dennis exists. And with graduation hanging over their heads, the chance of that changing is about as good as Bill Murray and Ice Cube teaming up to do buddy cop movie together. Dennis knows he needs to make a grand gesture - or he will fade into even more obscurity in Beth’s mind. Which I totally understand. After all, you always remember the nutty ones.
At Rich‘s suggestion, Dennis decides to confess his feelings… during his valedictorian speech. Now, folks, I don’t know about you but I was kind of thinking more of a private conversation with Beth in which Dennis breaks the news in a classy, if also a little quirky, way. I wasn’t thinking of a fucking NPR live broadcast. But, sadly, that is the kind of whackjob friend Rich is. Don’t worry, he’ll get his. Just you wait.
And so, egged on by his useless best friend, Dennis gets up on that stage… and says those five words that will change his life forever. No. I do not mean, “I am joining the army.” I am referring to the title of our movie. As is: “Ti Amo, Beth Cooper…” Oh, wait. That’s only four words - and it’s in Italian. Sorry, it’s all the wine I had at dinner. Well, you folks know what the title of the goddamn movie is. Do the math.
Anyway, as you can imagine the collective gasp that rises in the auditorium over Dennis’s declaration is a pretty loud one. And Beth, bless her heart, takes this all remarkably well - considering. Now, this is indeed pretty embarrassing, but Dennis might have actually still been able to save a centimeter of face if he had just, you know, shut the fuck up at that point.
But, no… You know how people sometimes survive catastrophic accidents unscathed, and suddenly think they’re superhuman and go around doing reckless shit? Well, that’s kind of what happens after Dennis blurts out his love for Beth. Realizing no one has booed him off the stage (they were too embarrassed to make a sound, see), Dennis suddenly develops verbal diarrhea and sputters on, spreading the wealth among the hapless audience.
To wit, he makes the following declarations: (1) calls a stuck-up bitch a, well, stuck-up bitch; (2) advises an anorexic to actually start eating sensibly; (3) asks a bully if he was smacked around as a child; (4) ridicules Beth’s military-academy boyfriend, Kevin (Shawn Roberts), for dating a high-school senior; and - most hilariously: (5) outs Rich as a homosexual - to the latter‘s utter horror. I told you Rich the Bitch had it coming.
Needless to say, not the least controversial graduation speech in the history of the school.
It goes without saying that the post-graduation socializing is just a teeny bit awkward. The surprising thing is that Beth is actually pretty okay with Dennis’s sermon. But come on, let’s face it: she had it pretty easy compared to Dennis‘s other targets. I mean, if someone gave a public speech wherein he told me he loved me, I’d be eating that shit up. Even if it was Danny DeVito. So, no… Beth has nothing to worry about.
However, the rest of the folks Dennis graciously mentioned in his speech pretty much declare a jihad on him. Especially Kevin, who looks like one of those guys that everyone thinks is “normal” until he snaps and climbs a clock tower. Kevin pretty much assures Dennis he will not live to see the sun rise the next morning. Or get to flick his tongue across Beth’s titties.
Which is exactly what Dennis’s horndog dad (Alan Ruck) wants him to do. See, Dennis has invited Beth to his house for a “soiree,” and she inexplicably accepted. Are you trying to tell me that all I have to do is make a public broadcast of “I love you, Russell Crowe“ to get him to come to one of my dinner parties? Is that all? Fuck, why didn‘t someone tell me sooner?
Anyway, Dennis‘s dad is just over the moon at the idea of Beth coming over. Apparently, Dennis has never been much of a partier, and Pops wants that to change - pronto. “Have fun! Live it up tonight!” encourages the skeezy pervert. “And if you get lucky, there’s a box of condoms in my nightstand!” To which Rich rightfully asks Dennis: “Your parents use condoms to have sex? Aren’t they, like, seventy or something?” Okay, that last part about being seventy was my ad-lib.
Hey, Dad… maybe you should’ve given this speech to Dennis a little sooner. Like when he was a freshman. Kind of too late to soak up the high school experience, wouldn’t you say. That event that happened this afternoon? It’s called a “graduation.” As in: “high school is forever gone.” And no amount of condoms will change that. Jackass.
So… is it too late for Dennis to live it up? Or will this be the night that will make up for a really barren high school life? What happens when Beth shows up to take him on a whirlwind allnighter through several parties? Will it be the night of his life? Are they unexpected soulmates destined to be together? Or will Kevin eventually catch up and shove Dennis’s spleen through his sphincter? What about all the other folks Dennis called out in his speech? What do they have planned for him? And what about Rich? Is he going to eviscerate Dennis for, um, blowing his cover?
Not that I would know. My gaydar is so fucked-up that even when some dude’s tongue is suddenly halfway down my throat, my first thought is always: “He just comes from a very affectionate family. I hope his girlfriend doesn‘t get the wrong idea.”
Anyway, it’s a good thing I never made Valedictorian in high school, otherwise I might have pulled a Dennis Cooverman. My little diatribe would’ve gone like this:
Parents, teachers, distinguished guests, my fellow graduates… I stand before you today to share an important lesson I learned from associating with you over the last four years….
(DRAMATIC PAUSE)
… none of you can dress worth a shit.
(DRAMATIC PAUSE TO LET THAT SINK IN)
Seriously. How hard is it to fuck up a catholic school uniform? White shirt. Black pants. Black shoes. It’s a pretty simple equation, people. One that is actually fairly classic and quintessentially Italian. So why, then, do most of you look like crap? Don’t answer that. I don’t really care.
However, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank a few of you: Mrs. X, thanks for the lovely comments about how you think us half-breeds are taking over the school with our brashness. Way to be a role model for tolerance and equality. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, and not assume you’re jealous because we tend to be tall and have striking bone structure. I also loved how you complained to my Mom during parent-teacher conference that I was “too confident.” When my Dad heard about that he actually laughed with pride and raised my allowance. So, suck it, bitch. How do you like me now? By the way, you have bad breath. Seriously, lady. Chew a doublemint once in awhile. It can only help.
And to the guy that sits behind me in Biology, and who is now sitting in the third row, deep down I really appreciated your offer to, ahem, “get to know me better” in private. I hope you weren’t offended when I laughed in your face and said I would rather touch a scalding-hot iron than any square inch of your body. It’s just that you really make me sick, and I didn’t want to get any vomit on my uniform. Getting vomit on yours wouldn’t have been a problem. Since it looked like shit anyway. As it does now.
Oh, and to several of my classmates there in the first row. From the bottom of my heart: thank you, thank you, thank you… for tying me up from head-to-toe while I was asleep during our “Christmas Campout” last year. That must have taken a lot of thought and ingenuity on your part. How you laughed when I woke up trussed up like a turkey, struggling with the gag in my mouth! One might interpret your behavior as frustrated sexual desire directed at an object that you will never have. That’s right. Go on dreaming, jerks. This Eurasian ass will never be yours. By the way… the jug of orange juice you all had at breakfast the next day? The one that I politely declined from drinking? Are you ready for this? Are you listening? I pissed in it. Yes, sir… I. Pissed. In. It. Then I spat in it. Hocked a loogie, to be exact. Bottoms up, assholes. Hey… you’re looking kind of green. Feeling okay, guys?
Oh, and in closing, I’d like to say the one thing that will be the most important thing I will ever say tonight. The one thing I will regret if I never say… To the one person out there I have loved in silence for the last four years. The one person who inspired me to give this speech. The one person who, even though he stood me up on prom night, is my role model because he is smokin’ hot and made Sean Young come like the Fourth of July in the back of a limousine - and a lot of other places - in NO WAY OUT. The one person who, unfortunately, isn’t here tonight - probably because all you fuckers are. Thanks for scaring him off, cretins.
To that person, I say: I LOVE YOU, KEVIN COSTNER!
Well, let’s just say it was probably a good thing I didn’t make Valedictorian. Even if I had, they probably would have tied and gagged me up like a turkey again. Perverts.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: As I wrote in the intro, I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER is a surprisingly underrated film. I guess a lot of folks were expecting something, well, raunchier. While the movie does has some segments that are wild and unpredictable, it doesn’t sacrifice the story at its core for the sake of cheap laughs or gross-out hikinks. At its heart, I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER is about a guy who worships a girl from afar, thinking of her as a goddess, then discovering that she is refreshingly human, vulnerable, and complex.
What we get is a comedy that blends smart, sharp humor with an undercurrent of melancholy. Personally, I think it’s an engaging combination. I don’t think I would’ve liked this film as much if director Chris Columbus had turned into something similar to THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY or other Farrelly fare. I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER’s charm comes from a believable and suprisingly restrained place. The result: a much more relatable story than, say, DUMB AND DUMBER or ME, MYSELF, & IRENE.
What makes this movie really work, though, are its leads: Paul Rust and Hayden Pannatierre make a great couple. Rust perfectly embodies Dennis as a lovable dork who doesn’t quite realize that’s he a much bigger catch than he gives himself credit for. This is the kind of guy that will eventually come into his own - all he needs is confidence. And when he does - watch out. Any girl would be lucky to have him.
It’s this hidden quality (unassuming magnetism and decency) that Beth obviously discerns in him. If Beth were just a shallow bimbo, there wouldn’t be any kind of connection between her and Dennis. She has to have more to her than meets the eye if we are too understand why he is smitten with her. But, as I mentioned before, Beth is a complex character whose layers are gradually revealed as the story goes forward. During their fateful night together, Dennis gets see beyond the “fronts” that Beth has erected to not only maintain her popularity, but also to protect her from getting hurt. And what he sees is a girl who is not much different from him: scared, but also brave enough to reach out and take a chance.
Hayden Pannatierre vividly conveys all of Beth’s buried feelings. One scene in, particular, is memorably affecting. Beth, Dennis, Rich, and her friends break into the high school, where the girls perform a cheerleading routine for the boys in the empty basketball court. Watch for the way Beth looks around at the empty bleachers at the end of the routine - and see the way her face gradually goes from ecstatic, to wistful, then pensive, then afraid, and then, finally, deeply sad. Within seconds, Pannatiere expresses a whole range of emotions that wordlessly tells us Beth is realizing one chapter of her life is ending, a chapter where she is a big fish in a small pond, and another is about to begin where she doesn‘t know exactly where she stands - and there’s nothing she can do about it.
Perhaps the scene above and other melancholy ones like it scattered throughout the film are why it is so underrated and misunderstood. Maybe folks were just wanting an all-out laugh-fest that sees Dennis and Beth hook up without finding out what makes the other tick. That would’ve been dishonest, though, because as with all stories about kindred spirits, you have to go deeper. I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER is about a guy whose rose-colored view of the girl he idolizes changes to a more realistic one - which turns out to be a far, far better view.
They say love is blind, but that‘s not true. Infatuation is blind. Love, on the other hand, knows exactly what it’s looking at. It looks at the whole package. It sees the flaws, the mistakes, the imperfections. But it also sees the good and the true - the things that matter. It gives the benefit of the doubt, forgives, and accepts everything - warts and all. In other words, it is what it is.
Like Dennis’s unexpected connection to Beth Cooper. At the beginning of the movie, he just has a crush on her. But at the end, I think it’s safe to say that really loves her. And there’s nothing blind about it.
