(When all’s said and done, it ain’t exactly the ideal pet, is it?)
CAST: Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, Hoyt Axton, Frances Lee McCain, Glynn Turman, Corey Feldman, Polly Holliday.
DIRECTOR: Joe Dante
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and overly-exotic (not too mention overly-aggressive) pets straight ahead…
I remember the first time I saw GREMLINS as a kid. I walked out of the cinema thinking one thing: “I want a Mogwai. And I want it now.”
Sadly, as we all know, Mogwai do not exist in the real world, just in the movies. Probably a good thing since, while cute and eminently huggable, Mogwai are even more high-maintenance than Miranda Priestley. Consider that these things apparently come with three inviolable rules.
Now, any pet owner knows that all animals have certain caveats. With dogs, you need to resign yourself to the fact that your shoes and carpet will likely become very acquainted with their digestive juices - as well as to the fact that “potty walks” are going to be part of your life from now on. With cats, you must accept that you are now lower than dirt, and exist only to feed their every craving and whim - or else you might wake up in the middle of the night with their claws buried in the small of your back. Not that I know anything about that. Ahem.
At any rate, the three rules that go with owning a Mogwai are much more complicated than destroyed footwear or painful lacerations. To wit, they are: (1) Never expose the Mogwai to bright light - especially sunlight which will kill it; (2) Never get the Mogwai wet or it will multiply; and (3) Never feed the Mogwai after midnight - or it will turn into… a Gremlin.
Now, let me just say one thing about that last bit: this is not a pretty transformation. See, Mogwais are cute, adorable, and resemble fluffy white cats - but without the hidden diabolical intent (trust me - I own a fluffy white cat who, as I write this, is planning to take over my neighborhood). Gremlins, on the other hand, are hideous, vicious, and are about as lovable as a smoker on Day 1 of going cold turkey. In other words, not exactly something you’d want to rub against your leg in the middle of the night. Unless you’re not particularly attached to your leg. Because you literally won’t be attached to it for much longer.
Anyhow, our story gets kick-started when goofy traveling salesman, Randall Peltzer (Hoyt Axton), picks up a Christmas gift for son Billy (Zach Galligan) in San Francisco’s Chinatown. If you’re thinking Randall picks up a lovely Chinese lantern or an exquisite folding screen or some other such treat, prepare to watch your expectations plummet like the Titanic. Nope, Dad gets his boy a… Mogwai.
Dun-Duh-Dun-DUN!
Randall is told by the shop owner’s grandson (who, by the way, conducted the transaction completely behind Gramps’ back) about The Three Rules. Randall, in turn, passes these rules on to Billy. Billy barely hears him, though, because he’s fallen head-over-heels for the furry little fucker and named him “Gizmo.” Which pretty much proves that Billy can’t possibly love him that much. Otherwise, he would’ve chosen a name like “Russell,” or “Colin,” or “Alessandro.”
Anyhow, Billy manages to follow the rules for a little while. Unfortunately, when nosy neighborhood dweeb Pete (Corey Feldman) visits one day, the klutzy bastard knocks over a glass of water onto poor Gizmo - who promptly begins thrashing about like someone just shoved a cattleprod up his ass. Soon, five furballs pop out from the bigger furball that is Gizmo - and BAM! Just like that, we have… five more Gizmos.
Unfortunately, Gizmo’s “sons” didn’t inherit his adorable personality. On the contrary, they seem to have inherited the traits of Hannibal Lecter, Elektra King, Catherine Trammell, Hans Gruber, and the Tasmanian Devil. In other words, while they may appear cute and cuddly as their progenitor, they’re really Satan’s Posse. Which does not bode well for the annual Peltzer Christmas Eve fete.
Sure enough, our cunning fivesome trick Billy into feeding them after midnight - which triggers their transformation into… Gremlins.
What happens now? Will the Gremlins destroy Billy’s family? What about the town? And what happens when one of them falls into a pool? If five drops of water created five more creatures, what damage can an entire pool do? Is it curtains for sleepy Kingston Falls? How will Pete, his girlfriend Kate (Phoebe Cates), and Gizmo stop the madness? And the most pressing question of all: in this day and age of genetic wizardry, can someone please create a frickin’ Mogwai already?
I mean it. Do it now. Seriously. I want one.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Coming across as more of a comedy with some horror highlights mixed in, GREMLINS is fine entertainment that effectively blends laughs, wonder, terror, and thrills. It never takes itself too seriously, which helps a lot in keeping just the right amount of levity to the proceedings. It also manages to convey a genuine sense of awe, primarily when exploring the nature of the creatures, which pretty much puts us in a child-like frame of mind. All the better to enjoy the ride.
Director Joe Dante has experience in blending comedy and chills, having handled such fine fare as PIRANHA (1978) and THE HOWLING (1981). Dante, like Hitchcock, understands that laughter and fear are two sides of the same coin, and complement each other very well. He also understands that the Horror Comedy Genre is one that is hard to get right. You have to be very precise with your formula, otherwise the whole thing feels schizophrenic. However, while PIRANHA and THE HOWLING were primarily horror films with tongue-in-cheek humor, GREMLINS is primarily a comedy with tongue-in-cheek horror. And just like those other two, the latter gets the formula right.
Aiding Dante is a stellar cast that turns in uniformly good and vivid performances. Zach Galligan as Billy is the perfect “boy-next-door” type to act as our “portal” character into the zany madness. The exceedingly lovely Phoebe Cates is equally ideal as Kate, the loyal girl in Billy’s life who helps him save the town. Corey Feldman is good in an early role, while character actors Hoyt Axton, Frances Lee McCain, Glynn Turman, and Polly Holiday are memorable as the various townspeople of Kingston Falls who must contend with the Gremlin epidemic.
Special mention should go to the special effects crew. The Mogwai are realistic enough to make you want one, while the Gremlins are believably aggressive. Kudos also the late Master of Movie Music, Jerry Goldsmith, for his score - which somehow manages to be festive and frightening at the same time. The man was a musical genius.
In the end, GREMLINS successfully treads that tricky path that most Comedy/Horror Flicks stumble at. That is no small achievement.
