(Hmmmm... Would this shit go down at “Wild Waves?” I hope not…)
CAST: Kristen Miller, Elena Uhlig, Thorsten Grasshof, John Hopkins, Jonah Lotan, Isla Fisher, James McAvoy, Bryan Carney, Cordelia Bugeja, Linda Rybova, Jason Liggett, Maximillian Grill.
DIRECTOR: Boris Von Sychowski
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some seriously questionable water slide behavior straight ahead…
Ah… the Water Park. Is there a better place to throw a party? Think about it: acres and acres of different pools and slides and waves and rapids. Throw in a lot of alcohol and you basically have the party-setting equivalent of winning the lottery. Plus, all that water means… swimsuits at worst, naked bodies at best. PAR-TAY!
I remember the first “water park” I encountered as a child. I use the quotations because the place was nothing more than three pools - two kiddies, one normal - and two fifteen-foot-long slides. And it’s not like the slides twisted and turned or looped around themselves. Nope, we’re talking straight down in a straight line. Looking back on it now, the place actually seems pretty boring. But, at the time, to my stupid child’s brain, it was better than Disneyland.
Of course, since then, I’ve been to some pretty killer water parks. Parks that have slides taller than some hotels. Parks that have pools with stronger waves than many beaches. Parks with more variety of thrills than your average carnival and sketchy massage parlor combined. None of them, though, can rival the killer water park in our next review. And when I say “killer,” I mean that literally.
See, our characters are a mixed bag of rich dipshits who have just graduated from the International High School of Prague. We’ve got a whole array of Yanks, Brits, Germans, Czechs, Aussies, and one really annoying Argentinian. Two nationalities conspicuously missing are French and Italian. Yes, sir… the two most beautiful nationalities in the World get the shaft in this movie. Where do I write in protest?
Anyway, our recent grads include: (1) Sarah (Kristen Miller), wholesome blonde American chick; (2) Gregor (Thorsten Grasshof), smug German asshole whom Sarah is dating; (3) Frank (John Hopkins), smokin’ hot Brit dude who walks around in a black T-shirt with big white letters that read: FUCK ME (don’t have to tell me twice, Frank - my place or yours?); (4) Carmen (Elena Uhlig), slutty German chick who is Sarah’s best friend; (5) Kim (Isla Fisher), whiny Australian chick who is the token poor chick in the group; (6) Mike (James McAvoy), shy Scottish dude who has the misfortune of dating Kim; (7) Diego (Maximillian Grill), aforementioned annoying Argentinian who’s pretty cocky for someone who’s basically just Gregor’s bitch-boy; (8) Mel (Cordelia Bugeja), slutty Brit chick with a nice rack; (9) Martin (Jason Liggett), bad boy Yank who drools over Mel’s nice rack; (10) Svenja (Linda Rybova), smokin’ hot Czech chick with an even nicer rack than Mel; (11) Chris (Jonah Lotan), good boy Yank who’s perpetually being cock-teased by all the women around him; and (12) Carter (Bryan Carney), pretty-boy Yank who’s determined to plow Svenja’s field.
Long story short, our twelve graduates decide they need to commemorate their, uh, commencement by throwing a party none of them will ever forget. And, in one of the few signs of intelligence displayed in this movie, they decide to hold it in a water park. But not just any water park. An indoor water park that is like the H20 equivalent of Game Works and Magic Mountain combined.
But if you’re thinking our twelve grads plan on holding their soiree during business hours, you obviously haven’t seen many slasher movies. Nope, our Dumbass Dozen decide to break into the place in the dead of night, all the better to have the entire place to themselves. And all the better to be trapped when a masked psycho killer wielding a machete decides to crash the party. Like I said, it’s a killer water park. Ha ha.
Who will make it through the night alive? Who will bite it hard? Why do these idiots stand around arguing instead of, you know, throwing a chair through the windows? How the fuck did these numbnuts graduate from high school with the survival instincts of lemmings? Are they the future of our planet? If so, will someone just shoot me now? And the most important question of all: are Gregor and Diego secretly fucking each other? Watch the scene where Diego begs Gregor not to leave him behind. Dude, did he rock your world that much? Or do I need to get my head out of the gutter?
Whatever. I guess I shouldn’t complain about a movie in which in everyone runs around in board shorts and bikinis. I ain’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth, ya know?
Now, Frank.. Let's talk about the offer printed on your T-shirt...
BUT, SERIOUSLY: In the wake of SCREAM’s massive success in 1996, the moribund slasher genre roared back to life. Soon, other post-modern entries came along and experienced varying degrees of success: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, URBAN LEGEND, I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, CHERRY FALLS, URBAN LEGENDS: THE FINAL CUT, and VALENTINE.
Eventually, these movies would become less and less successful at the box-office, just like the entries in the mid-to-late 80s. Then the genre received a second wind in recent years when the 70’s/early 80’s classics like THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, BLACK CHRISTMAS, HALLOWEEN, FRIDAY THE 13th, MY BLOODY VALENTINE, and PROM NIGHT started getting remade.
However, in between the petering out of the post-modern slasher craze ignited by SCREAM, and the rise of the “Slasher Remakes” starting in 2003 with the new version of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, Europe tried to get in on the action with some entries of their own. France offered up DEEP IN THE WOODS, and Germany produced THE POOL.
As slasher knock-offs go, THE POOL isn’t the worst of its kind. It’s technically well-made, handsomely produced, with an exceedingly attractive cast that more or less delivers decent performances. The first time I saw it was when I first moved back to Italy in 2002, and the various European characters rang true. The actors and actresses playing them also mesh well together.
Speaking of the cast, just like with early Slasher Flicks like HALLOWEEN, FRIDAY THE 13th, and THE BURNING which produced future stars like Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Bacon, Holly Hunter, Jason Alexander, and Fisher Stevens, THE POOL also has its fair share of rising talents that now have higher profiles. Kristen Miller went on to star in the TV series S.H.E. SPIES. John Hopkins is regular face on British prime-time TV, and recently starred in ALICE IN WONDERLAND. Isla Fisher featured in WEDDING CRASHERS and CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC. James MacAvoy starred in ATONEMENT, THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND, and WANTED opposite Angelina Jolie. Jonah Lotan had recurring roles in the TV series CSI:NY and 24. And watching THE POOL, you can tell these folks had talent just waiting to be tapped. They’re the main reason this flick rates above the average mark.
If anything weakens THE POOL, it’s the killer’s weak motivation for his (her?) killing spree. It’s got to be one of the lamer reasons I’ve seen. Fortunately, director Boris Von Sychowski shoots the whole thing with a glossy, beautiful finish that perfectly complements his stunning cast. The scare sequences are also confidently-handled by him, and the water park setting is an innovative one that he turns into a sinister funhouse of rippling shadows and light.
I usually pay attention to a film’s musical score, and whether it enhances or diminishes a film’s impact. In the case of THE POOL, the score is a tad bombastic and obvious. The film might have rated higher than above average if the score had been toned down. In fact, the best scares are the ones with very little music in the background especially the near-silent chase sequence involving Mel being staked by the killer through the locker rooms. Another is the scene where Sarah and Carmen narrowly evade the killer, and track his departure through the security cameras. During these moments, THE POOL almost becomes more than an above-average slasher.
Where THE POOL registers musically, though, is with its soundtrack. I’m no longer referring to the musical score, but the film’s parade of songs and tunes. THE POOL’s soundtrack is one of the best I’ve heard: vibrant, energetic, upbeat, effervescent. It perfectly captures the beauty, power, and freedom of youth, that magical time when you're on the cusp of adulthood - and taking a step back for one last unforgettable hurrah. Some gems include “Whatever Happened to the 80’s?” by the DoNots, “Never Let You Go” by MyBalloon, and "Room With A View" again by the DoNots. See videos below.
Bottom line: THE POOL is a sleek, well-made, decently-acted European entry into the post-modern slasher genre. With some talented (and gorgeous) future stars - and wonderful songs. This is one party I would have loved to attend... Booze, beautiful people, beautiful music... what more could you ask for?
