Hiya, folks...
We've just posted the last of the Superhero Flicks to commemorate the release of THOR. Now I need to get you folks the seven Soccer Flicks to commemorate not only the Mexico Vs. Ecuador and Barcelone FC vs. Manchester United matches last Saturday, but also the victorious Sounders vs. Salt Lake City in Utah, which the Sounders won 2-1. After the defeat from Dallas, this victory was much welcome. I told you our faith in them would pan out. Also, there's the upcoming Sounder vs. Vancouver match in two weeks. So you see... there's a lot to celeberate with our Soccer Flicks. Once those go up (by Thursday or so),we'll start with our "Personal Favorites" home stretch...
Wow. What a weekend. I need another weekend to help recover from this weekend. Whew...
Have a great week, folks. And thanks to the folks who emailed me suggestions for our "Personal Favorites" finale... You so awesome...
# 341 - ELEKTRA (2005)
ELEKTRA (2005 - ACTION / SUPERHERO FLICK) **½ out of *****
(Not so bad-ass without DAREDEVIL around, are you honey?)
CAST: Jennifer Garner, Goran Visjnic, Kristen Prout, Will Yun-Lee, Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa, Terence Stamp, Natassia Malthe.
DIRECTOR: Rob Bowman
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one pretty convincing reason to never do a spin-off - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: If you will all recall, at the end of DAREDEVIL (SPOILER ahead!), Elektra Natchios (Jennifer Garner) was stabbed in the tummy while trying to avenge the death of her father. Too bad it only ended up getting her killed herself. Or did it? Sure enough, at the start of ELEKTRA, we find out that she just had a “near-death” experience and actually survived - before going into hiding. Riiiiiiight. And Rachel Dawes actually survived that explosion in THE DARK KNIGHT. Whatever. Anyhow, Elektra lives under the radar, operating as some sort of assassin-for-hire for a clandestine organization called - and I swear this is the truth - The Hand. Her latest job is to kill some dork named Mark Miller (Goran Visjnic). Unfortunately, Elektra falls for him instead, and decides to betray her employers at The Hand by protecting Mark and his daughter Abby (Kristen Prout). Soon, the threesome are on the run and trying to stay ahead of The Hand’s other assassins, who don’t take kindly to being fucked over by one of their own. Way to go, Elektra. Better move that ass, sweetie…
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Elektra all the way. Because Mark is about as useful as an Italian Stallion-sized condom on a gherkin-sized dick.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Jennifer Garner as Elektra, and the half-Norwegian/half-Philippine Natassia Malthe as Typhoid, one of The Hand’s other uber-hot assassins. I guess good looks are a prerequisite for working for The Hand. Oh, and Goran Visjnic as Mark ain’t so bad lookin’ either.
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Elektra realizing that her targets are actually Mark and Abby. Awkward…
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Elektra scrubbing the floors of her house. A superhero cleaning her own place. WTF? She should get her own version of Alfred The Butler. Or something.
HOTTEST SCENE: Typhoid and Elektra sharing a lesbian kiss. YOWZA!!! It’s not exactly Chris Evans sticking his tongue down James Franco’s throat but, hey, I’ll take it.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Why does The Hand want Mark and Abby dead? What do they have that The Hand wants so bad? Will Elektra survive her betrayal of her own people? Is she sticking her neck out for a good cause? Or does Mark have his own secret agenda? Is he really innocent? And the most important question of all: does Elektra ever explain her employment by saying: “Talk to The Hand”? Get it? Talk to The Hand. Oh, fucking forget it.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “ELEKTRA”: If you like female-driven action films with hot chicks wearing skin-tight leather. And if you dig Jennifer Garner.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “DAREDEVIL”: If you actually require your female-driven action films with hot chicks wearing skin-tight leather to actually be, you know, better than just average.
FINAL ANALYSIS: As a quasi-follow-up/spin-off to DAREDEVIL, ELEKTRA is merely okay and is not remarkable or entertaining enough to rise above the average mark. I favor female-driven films and would like to see more female-oriented action movies succeed at the box-office. Unfortunately, most of these films have fizzled at the box-office. Box office analysts tend to ascribe this reason to the theory that the male-driven action demographic is not interested in women playing kick-ass roles. This isn’t exactly true, because TOMB RAIDER, WANTED, and SALT all found an audience and became hits. You could argue that this is because Angelina Jolie starred in all of them, but let me counter that argument by stating Jolie had action movie fizzles of her own with TOMB RAIDER 2 and TAKING LIVES. In the end, I think the reason most female-driven action films fail at the box office is because the scripts need to be stronger.
Such is the case with Elektra, which just doesn’t have the energy that DAREDEVIL had. I think the reason for this is that electric central relationship between Matt Murdock (Ben Affleck) and Elektra from DAREDEVIL is sorely missing from ELEKTRA. The fiery and intense relationship between Matt and Elektra anchored DAREDEVIL and gave it heart. In ELEKTRA, the male lead is Goran Visjnic. Unfortunately, he’s saddled playing a rather bland and boring character. He’s just not intense enough to go up against Elektra the way Matt did. The result? ELEKTRA has no emotional center the way DAREDEVIL did.
Jennifer Garner is competent as Elektra, but just doesn’t have the spark she had in DAREDEVIL. You could argue that this is because she’s playing the character as more emotionally-damaged because of all her losses. But I would counter that Garner could’ve played the character with more fire and dimension, even with her demons. Unfortunately, just like the rest of cast, Garner is merely okay. This is essentially the best way to describe ELEKTRA: it’s okay - nothing more.
(Not so bad-ass without DAREDEVIL around, are you honey?)
CAST: Jennifer Garner, Goran Visjnic, Kristen Prout, Will Yun-Lee, Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa, Terence Stamp, Natassia Malthe.
DIRECTOR: Rob Bowman
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one pretty convincing reason to never do a spin-off - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: If you will all recall, at the end of DAREDEVIL (SPOILER ahead!), Elektra Natchios (Jennifer Garner) was stabbed in the tummy while trying to avenge the death of her father. Too bad it only ended up getting her killed herself. Or did it? Sure enough, at the start of ELEKTRA, we find out that she just had a “near-death” experience and actually survived - before going into hiding. Riiiiiiight. And Rachel Dawes actually survived that explosion in THE DARK KNIGHT. Whatever. Anyhow, Elektra lives under the radar, operating as some sort of assassin-for-hire for a clandestine organization called - and I swear this is the truth - The Hand. Her latest job is to kill some dork named Mark Miller (Goran Visjnic). Unfortunately, Elektra falls for him instead, and decides to betray her employers at The Hand by protecting Mark and his daughter Abby (Kristen Prout). Soon, the threesome are on the run and trying to stay ahead of The Hand’s other assassins, who don’t take kindly to being fucked over by one of their own. Way to go, Elektra. Better move that ass, sweetie…
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Elektra all the way. Because Mark is about as useful as an Italian Stallion-sized condom on a gherkin-sized dick.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Jennifer Garner as Elektra, and the half-Norwegian/half-Philippine Natassia Malthe as Typhoid, one of The Hand’s other uber-hot assassins. I guess good looks are a prerequisite for working for The Hand. Oh, and Goran Visjnic as Mark ain’t so bad lookin’ either.
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Elektra realizing that her targets are actually Mark and Abby. Awkward…
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Elektra scrubbing the floors of her house. A superhero cleaning her own place. WTF? She should get her own version of Alfred The Butler. Or something.
HOTTEST SCENE: Typhoid and Elektra sharing a lesbian kiss. YOWZA!!! It’s not exactly Chris Evans sticking his tongue down James Franco’s throat but, hey, I’ll take it.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Why does The Hand want Mark and Abby dead? What do they have that The Hand wants so bad? Will Elektra survive her betrayal of her own people? Is she sticking her neck out for a good cause? Or does Mark have his own secret agenda? Is he really innocent? And the most important question of all: does Elektra ever explain her employment by saying: “Talk to The Hand”? Get it? Talk to The Hand. Oh, fucking forget it.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “ELEKTRA”: If you like female-driven action films with hot chicks wearing skin-tight leather. And if you dig Jennifer Garner.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “DAREDEVIL”: If you actually require your female-driven action films with hot chicks wearing skin-tight leather to actually be, you know, better than just average.
FINAL ANALYSIS: As a quasi-follow-up/spin-off to DAREDEVIL, ELEKTRA is merely okay and is not remarkable or entertaining enough to rise above the average mark. I favor female-driven films and would like to see more female-oriented action movies succeed at the box-office. Unfortunately, most of these films have fizzled at the box-office. Box office analysts tend to ascribe this reason to the theory that the male-driven action demographic is not interested in women playing kick-ass roles. This isn’t exactly true, because TOMB RAIDER, WANTED, and SALT all found an audience and became hits. You could argue that this is because Angelina Jolie starred in all of them, but let me counter that argument by stating Jolie had action movie fizzles of her own with TOMB RAIDER 2 and TAKING LIVES. In the end, I think the reason most female-driven action films fail at the box office is because the scripts need to be stronger.
Such is the case with Elektra, which just doesn’t have the energy that DAREDEVIL had. I think the reason for this is that electric central relationship between Matt Murdock (Ben Affleck) and Elektra from DAREDEVIL is sorely missing from ELEKTRA. The fiery and intense relationship between Matt and Elektra anchored DAREDEVIL and gave it heart. In ELEKTRA, the male lead is Goran Visjnic. Unfortunately, he’s saddled playing a rather bland and boring character. He’s just not intense enough to go up against Elektra the way Matt did. The result? ELEKTRA has no emotional center the way DAREDEVIL did.
Jennifer Garner is competent as Elektra, but just doesn’t have the spark she had in DAREDEVIL. You could argue that this is because she’s playing the character as more emotionally-damaged because of all her losses. But I would counter that Garner could’ve played the character with more fire and dimension, even with her demons. Unfortunately, just like the rest of cast, Garner is merely okay. This is essentially the best way to describe ELEKTRA: it’s okay - nothing more.
# 340 - DAREDEVIL (2003)
DAREDEVIL (2003 - ACTION / SUPERHERO FLICK) ***1/2 out of *****
(If you ever were curious how Ben Affleck looks in a full leather bodysuit, wonder no more…)
CAST: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Colin Farrell, Michael Clarke Duncan, Jon Favreau, Joe Pantoliano, Erik Avari.
DIRECTOR: Mark Steven Johnson
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one pretty convincing reason to date a blind guy - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Smokin’ hot lawyer Matt Murdock (Ben Affleck) was blinded when he was just a kid. Filled with remorse, his pops (Keith David) trained Matt to make up for his loss of sight - by beefing up his strength and other four senses. Then Matt’s pops gets offed by some underworld baddies. The result: Matt grow up into a blind adult who dresses up at night in a leather outfit, calls himself “Daredevil”, and goes out looking for trouble. Hmmmm. In San Francisco, that’s called “cruising”. Meow. Anyhow, Matt/Daredevil runs afoul of a mob kingpin called, uh, Kingpin (Michael Clarke Duncan), as well as the dude’s number one assassin: a batshit crazy Irish dude called Bullseye (Colin Farrell). Add to that a smart-ass associated named Franklin (Jon Favreau), a journalist named Ben Ulrich (Joe Pantoliano) who is determined to find out Daredevil’s true identity, and a love interest in the form of fiery and intense Elektra (Jennifer Garner), and you can see that Matt/Daredevil is one blind dude with a lot of obstacles in his way. Good luck with that, dude.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Daredevil, and to a lesser extent, Elektra. These two could save my ass any day.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Ben Affleck’s nicely lean and lanky frame fills out that leather suit quite nicely. Nice pecs on that guy. While Jennifer Garner no slouch either in her catsuit. Are you surprised these two eventually hooked up and produced gorgeous kids?
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Bullseye killing an obnoxious bar patron with a paperclip. Don’t ever underestimate lowly office supplies. They can actually kill you, apparently.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: The Kingpin strutting his stuff to prove what a stud he is. He’s not. So not.
HOTTEST SCENE: Matt and Elektra sparring and fighting (read: foreplay) in a playground. If this is how rough they get each other BEFORE they get it on, I want to be a fly on the wall when they actually fuck each other’s brains out. A fly with a video camera.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Daredevil triumph over Kingpin and Bullseye’s dastardly plans? Will Ben discover that Matt is actually Daredevil? Will Elektra and Matt hook up? What happens when Elektra’s dad is killed by Bullseye and frames Daredevil for it? Will Elektra exact vengeance on an innocent man? The man she loves? Or will she realize the truth before its too late? Will Matt confess to her who he really is? Or will he continue to prowl the city streets at night, looking like an escapee from a gay S&M club? Whatever. He looks hot in that shit. That’s all that matters…
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “DAREDEVIL”: If you like assured, confident superhero movies that balance humor, action, and sensitivity perfectly. And if the sight of Ben Affleck’s lean, lanky frame in a leather suit is enough to make you pick up the phone and dial a bootie call. Ditto, Jennifer Garner’s tits in that tank top.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “DAREDEVIL”: If you’re one of those die-hard Batman fans who refuse to accept any potential substitutes. Or if Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner just don’t do it for you. If so, I ask: are you a eunuch?
FINAL ANALYSIS: Essentially a variation on the “tortured-soul-who-becomes-crime-fighter”, DAREDEVIL succeeds because of the confidence exhibited by the script, director, and cast. They know they’re not presenting anything too new (except, perhaps, for the novelty of a blind superhero), but instead decide to tell their story in a skilled way that honors the characters, plot, and source material. Director Mark Steven Johnson understands that you have to be connected to a character to be pulled into a movie. He wisely shows us the origins of Matt’s blindness, as well as how that affects him (the loss of his father, the sharpening of his senses). The result: by the time Matt grows into an adult, we are invested in his fate.
Another reason DAREDEVIL succeeds more than it has a right to is the central relationship between Matt and Elektra. It helps considerably that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have considerable chemistry together. Indeed, these two would eventually end up getting married years later. Watching them onscreen together, you’d have to be (pardon the pun) blind not to see the electricity between them. Matt and Elektra’s “dance of attraction/retreat” is the engine that pushes DAREDEVIL forward.
Colin Farrell and Michael Clarke Duncan are solid as the two main villains of the piece. Farrell in particular continue to trade successfully on his handsome intensity to make an indelible onscreen presence. Jon Favreau and Joe Pantoliano provide nice comic touches as the two men trying to look out for Matt. Favreau is especially likable.
In the end, DAREDEVIL is a good superhero film. It doesn’t try to beat the BATMAN or SUPERMAN movies at their own game, but instead seeks to inhabit its own niche. Wise move.
(If you ever were curious how Ben Affleck looks in a full leather bodysuit, wonder no more…)
CAST: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Colin Farrell, Michael Clarke Duncan, Jon Favreau, Joe Pantoliano, Erik Avari.
DIRECTOR: Mark Steven Johnson
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one pretty convincing reason to date a blind guy - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Smokin’ hot lawyer Matt Murdock (Ben Affleck) was blinded when he was just a kid. Filled with remorse, his pops (Keith David) trained Matt to make up for his loss of sight - by beefing up his strength and other four senses. Then Matt’s pops gets offed by some underworld baddies. The result: Matt grow up into a blind adult who dresses up at night in a leather outfit, calls himself “Daredevil”, and goes out looking for trouble. Hmmmm. In San Francisco, that’s called “cruising”. Meow. Anyhow, Matt/Daredevil runs afoul of a mob kingpin called, uh, Kingpin (Michael Clarke Duncan), as well as the dude’s number one assassin: a batshit crazy Irish dude called Bullseye (Colin Farrell). Add to that a smart-ass associated named Franklin (Jon Favreau), a journalist named Ben Ulrich (Joe Pantoliano) who is determined to find out Daredevil’s true identity, and a love interest in the form of fiery and intense Elektra (Jennifer Garner), and you can see that Matt/Daredevil is one blind dude with a lot of obstacles in his way. Good luck with that, dude.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Daredevil, and to a lesser extent, Elektra. These two could save my ass any day.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Ben Affleck’s nicely lean and lanky frame fills out that leather suit quite nicely. Nice pecs on that guy. While Jennifer Garner no slouch either in her catsuit. Are you surprised these two eventually hooked up and produced gorgeous kids?
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Bullseye killing an obnoxious bar patron with a paperclip. Don’t ever underestimate lowly office supplies. They can actually kill you, apparently.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: The Kingpin strutting his stuff to prove what a stud he is. He’s not. So not.
HOTTEST SCENE: Matt and Elektra sparring and fighting (read: foreplay) in a playground. If this is how rough they get each other BEFORE they get it on, I want to be a fly on the wall when they actually fuck each other’s brains out. A fly with a video camera.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Daredevil triumph over Kingpin and Bullseye’s dastardly plans? Will Ben discover that Matt is actually Daredevil? Will Elektra and Matt hook up? What happens when Elektra’s dad is killed by Bullseye and frames Daredevil for it? Will Elektra exact vengeance on an innocent man? The man she loves? Or will she realize the truth before its too late? Will Matt confess to her who he really is? Or will he continue to prowl the city streets at night, looking like an escapee from a gay S&M club? Whatever. He looks hot in that shit. That’s all that matters…
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “DAREDEVIL”: If you like assured, confident superhero movies that balance humor, action, and sensitivity perfectly. And if the sight of Ben Affleck’s lean, lanky frame in a leather suit is enough to make you pick up the phone and dial a bootie call. Ditto, Jennifer Garner’s tits in that tank top.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “DAREDEVIL”: If you’re one of those die-hard Batman fans who refuse to accept any potential substitutes. Or if Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner just don’t do it for you. If so, I ask: are you a eunuch?
FINAL ANALYSIS: Essentially a variation on the “tortured-soul-who-becomes-crime-fighter”, DAREDEVIL succeeds because of the confidence exhibited by the script, director, and cast. They know they’re not presenting anything too new (except, perhaps, for the novelty of a blind superhero), but instead decide to tell their story in a skilled way that honors the characters, plot, and source material. Director Mark Steven Johnson understands that you have to be connected to a character to be pulled into a movie. He wisely shows us the origins of Matt’s blindness, as well as how that affects him (the loss of his father, the sharpening of his senses). The result: by the time Matt grows into an adult, we are invested in his fate.
Another reason DAREDEVIL succeeds more than it has a right to is the central relationship between Matt and Elektra. It helps considerably that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have considerable chemistry together. Indeed, these two would eventually end up getting married years later. Watching them onscreen together, you’d have to be (pardon the pun) blind not to see the electricity between them. Matt and Elektra’s “dance of attraction/retreat” is the engine that pushes DAREDEVIL forward.
Colin Farrell and Michael Clarke Duncan are solid as the two main villains of the piece. Farrell in particular continue to trade successfully on his handsome intensity to make an indelible onscreen presence. Jon Favreau and Joe Pantoliano provide nice comic touches as the two men trying to look out for Matt. Favreau is especially likable.
In the end, DAREDEVIL is a good superhero film. It doesn’t try to beat the BATMAN or SUPERMAN movies at their own game, but instead seeks to inhabit its own niche. Wise move.
# 339 - BATMAN RETURNS (1992)
BATMAN RETURNS (1992 - ACTION / SUPERHERO FLICK) **** out of *****
(Michelle Pfeiffer, you are a goddess - cat or otherwise…)
CAST: Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer, Danny DeVito, Christopher Walken.
DIRECTOR: Tim Burton
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one irresistible feline - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) is still playing dress-up as Batman, while trying to conquer his demons through fighting crime. You’d think that with all those billions he’d quit being so angsty and just find someone’s hot torso to do jello shots off of. Several someones, actually. Whatever. Anyhow, he eventually runs afoul of The Penguin (Danny DeVito), a deformed sicko whose parents abandoned him as an infant because, well, he proved that there is such a thing as, well, an ugly baby. In this, a fugly baby. As you can imagine, The Penguin has grown up from an ugly baby to a very pissed-off ugly adult - and wants vengeance. As if Batman’s hands weren’t full enough with this birdbrain, he has to deal with the mysterious, elusive, seductive Catwoman (Michelle Pfeiffer), who basically bitch-slaps Batman whenever she can - and makes him like it. Kin-kay Par-Tay in Gotham Ci-Tay!
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Batman. Maybe even Catwoman, but she’s got that “good/evil” thing going, so you better not rely on her.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Michael Keaton. Michelle Pfeiffer. Put these two in leather outfits and it’s Wood Central whichever way you swing…
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: The Penguin flirting with his bimbo fans. Someone should give this guy a mirror to clue him on just how hideous he looks. Then those bimbos need an IQ transplant to be able to tell the difference between a man and a bizarro freak of nature that lives in the sewers.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: The Penguin flirting with his bimbo fans. Someone should give this guy a mirror to clue him on just how hideous he looks. Then those bimbos need an IQ transplant to be able to tell the difference between a man and a bizarro freak of nature that lives in the sewers.
HOTTEST SCENE: Bruce Wayne (Batman’s alter ego) and Selina Kyle (Catwoman‘s alter ego) dancing under the mistletoe at the Christmas Ball to the tune of Siouxsie and the Banshees‘ haunting song “Face to Face“ - and discovering who the other really is. Wouldn‘t worry too much about it, folks. This just means the sex is about to get even better.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will the Penguin destroy Gotham City? Will Catwoman join him on the dark side? Or will Batman save her? Do these two tortured, damaged souls even have a chance at a happy ending? Or are they forever destined to “dance” around each other? Can the Bat and the Cat get it on? I’d pay to see that. I’d soooooooooooooo pay to see that.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “BATMAN RETURNS”: If you like smart, sharp, intense, edgy, and dark superhero flicks. And if the sight of Michelle Pfeiffer in a cat outfit is enough to set your heart a-flutter.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “BATMAN”: If you don’t like smart, sharp, intense, edgy, and dark superhero flicks. And if you don’t understand the appeal of people running around in latex/leather costume. If so, I pity you. Much fun can be had from such costumes.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Unlike BATMAN, which had its own non-threatening (almost bland) flavor, BATMAN RETURNS is darker, edgier, more intense (and therefore more exciting) movie. The world that director Tim Burton creates here is distinct from the one he created in BATMAN, which was really a conventional one despite its flourishes. The world of BATMAN RETURNS is a more unsettling one, where darkness and light, good and evil, danger and safety, are often hard to tell apart from each other. In other words, this world is painted in shades of gray.
This is never more apparent in how the characters of Batman and Catwoman (AKA Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle) are treated. As Bruce Wayne/Batman, Michael Keaton goes deeper with his performance here than he did in the first movie. We get a much better sense of a man struggling with his duality, and Keaton vividly puts forth Bruce’s conflicted nature. This dichotomy is echoed in Selina Kyle/Catwoman, whom Michelle Pfeiffer turns into the most fascinating character. Pfeiffer imbues both alter egos with a sexy intensity and alluring mystery that is completely understandable in drawing Bruce to her. What’s even better is that, like Keaton with his role, Pfeiffer also shows the tenderness and vulnerability underneath Catwoman’s coolly-confident surface. Her struggle between the light and dark sides of her personality is what makes her so compelling to Bruce Wayne/Batman - and us.
In fact, the scene at the Christmas Ball where Bruce and Selina dance together under a mistletoes, and a slip of their tongues accidentally reveal to each other their identities as Batman and Catwoman, is absolutely riveting.
As Penguin, the main villain of BATMAN RETURNS, Danny DeVito is a feral and gritty counterpoint to Jack Nicholson’s more smooth and polished Joker from BATMAN. This is a welcome change, because it has the effect of turning the Penguin into a more formidable adversary than the Joker, who was just a little too sterile for me. Many people trumpet Jack Nicholson’s performance in that film, and while it is competent and even commanding in some parts, it’s not really all that. DeVito makes for a better villain.
In the end, BATMAN RETURNS is that rare sequel that actually improves upon the original. Much of that credit should go to Burton and his cast, who were not afraid to make this film a darker, more intense experience.
Please enjoy a video of Siouxsie and the Banshees’ “Face to Face” off the BATMAN RETURNS soundtrack.
(Michelle Pfeiffer, you are a goddess - cat or otherwise…)
CAST: Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer, Danny DeVito, Christopher Walken.
DIRECTOR: Tim Burton
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one irresistible feline - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) is still playing dress-up as Batman, while trying to conquer his demons through fighting crime. You’d think that with all those billions he’d quit being so angsty and just find someone’s hot torso to do jello shots off of. Several someones, actually. Whatever. Anyhow, he eventually runs afoul of The Penguin (Danny DeVito), a deformed sicko whose parents abandoned him as an infant because, well, he proved that there is such a thing as, well, an ugly baby. In this, a fugly baby. As you can imagine, The Penguin has grown up from an ugly baby to a very pissed-off ugly adult - and wants vengeance. As if Batman’s hands weren’t full enough with this birdbrain, he has to deal with the mysterious, elusive, seductive Catwoman (Michelle Pfeiffer), who basically bitch-slaps Batman whenever she can - and makes him like it. Kin-kay Par-Tay in Gotham Ci-Tay!
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Batman. Maybe even Catwoman, but she’s got that “good/evil” thing going, so you better not rely on her.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Michael Keaton. Michelle Pfeiffer. Put these two in leather outfits and it’s Wood Central whichever way you swing…
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: The Penguin flirting with his bimbo fans. Someone should give this guy a mirror to clue him on just how hideous he looks. Then those bimbos need an IQ transplant to be able to tell the difference between a man and a bizarro freak of nature that lives in the sewers.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: The Penguin flirting with his bimbo fans. Someone should give this guy a mirror to clue him on just how hideous he looks. Then those bimbos need an IQ transplant to be able to tell the difference between a man and a bizarro freak of nature that lives in the sewers.
HOTTEST SCENE: Bruce Wayne (Batman’s alter ego) and Selina Kyle (Catwoman‘s alter ego) dancing under the mistletoe at the Christmas Ball to the tune of Siouxsie and the Banshees‘ haunting song “Face to Face“ - and discovering who the other really is. Wouldn‘t worry too much about it, folks. This just means the sex is about to get even better.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will the Penguin destroy Gotham City? Will Catwoman join him on the dark side? Or will Batman save her? Do these two tortured, damaged souls even have a chance at a happy ending? Or are they forever destined to “dance” around each other? Can the Bat and the Cat get it on? I’d pay to see that. I’d soooooooooooooo pay to see that.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “BATMAN RETURNS”: If you like smart, sharp, intense, edgy, and dark superhero flicks. And if the sight of Michelle Pfeiffer in a cat outfit is enough to set your heart a-flutter.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “BATMAN”: If you don’t like smart, sharp, intense, edgy, and dark superhero flicks. And if you don’t understand the appeal of people running around in latex/leather costume. If so, I pity you. Much fun can be had from such costumes.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Unlike BATMAN, which had its own non-threatening (almost bland) flavor, BATMAN RETURNS is darker, edgier, more intense (and therefore more exciting) movie. The world that director Tim Burton creates here is distinct from the one he created in BATMAN, which was really a conventional one despite its flourishes. The world of BATMAN RETURNS is a more unsettling one, where darkness and light, good and evil, danger and safety, are often hard to tell apart from each other. In other words, this world is painted in shades of gray.
This is never more apparent in how the characters of Batman and Catwoman (AKA Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle) are treated. As Bruce Wayne/Batman, Michael Keaton goes deeper with his performance here than he did in the first movie. We get a much better sense of a man struggling with his duality, and Keaton vividly puts forth Bruce’s conflicted nature. This dichotomy is echoed in Selina Kyle/Catwoman, whom Michelle Pfeiffer turns into the most fascinating character. Pfeiffer imbues both alter egos with a sexy intensity and alluring mystery that is completely understandable in drawing Bruce to her. What’s even better is that, like Keaton with his role, Pfeiffer also shows the tenderness and vulnerability underneath Catwoman’s coolly-confident surface. Her struggle between the light and dark sides of her personality is what makes her so compelling to Bruce Wayne/Batman - and us.
In fact, the scene at the Christmas Ball where Bruce and Selina dance together under a mistletoes, and a slip of their tongues accidentally reveal to each other their identities as Batman and Catwoman, is absolutely riveting.
As Penguin, the main villain of BATMAN RETURNS, Danny DeVito is a feral and gritty counterpoint to Jack Nicholson’s more smooth and polished Joker from BATMAN. This is a welcome change, because it has the effect of turning the Penguin into a more formidable adversary than the Joker, who was just a little too sterile for me. Many people trumpet Jack Nicholson’s performance in that film, and while it is competent and even commanding in some parts, it’s not really all that. DeVito makes for a better villain.
In the end, BATMAN RETURNS is that rare sequel that actually improves upon the original. Much of that credit should go to Burton and his cast, who were not afraid to make this film a darker, more intense experience.
Please enjoy a video of Siouxsie and the Banshees’ “Face to Face” off the BATMAN RETURNS soundtrack.
REVIEW UPDATE: The Soccer Flicks (and, yes, the Last 3 Superhero Flicks)...
Yes, folks. Another delay in getting the last 3 Superhero flicks. Sorry, but it's been a crazy busy weekend with the Mexico Vs. Ecuador game at Qwest Field, the Barcelona vs. Manchester United game on TV for the UEFA Finals (which I missed but got a DVD recording of as compensation from a friend), and my monthly musical shindig tonight.
Bottom line: I will do my best to get us caught up tonight. Then tomorrow, I will try to get last week's Soccer Flicks posted. Initially, the Soccer Flicks were to commemorate the Mexico Vs. Ecuador game. Now, we go beyond that match to commemorate the awesome game between Barcelona and Manchester United yesterday. Which saw Barcelona triumph over Man U, 3-1. I'm a bit upset over Man U's loss, but at the same time, I'm quite happy for FC Barce. Makes me proud to be part-Spanish...
Side note: Manchester United plays the Sounders on July 20. Tickets don't go onsale to the public until June 1, but I managed to score a half-dozen tix last Friday. Thank goodness for connections. Let's see how Rainy City U.S.A. fares against Rainy City U.K.
At any rate, please expect us to be caught up by Wednesday with the reviews. Then we're on to our "Personal Favorites" finale... We're almost there.
Bottom line: I will do my best to get us caught up tonight. Then tomorrow, I will try to get last week's Soccer Flicks posted. Initially, the Soccer Flicks were to commemorate the Mexico Vs. Ecuador game. Now, we go beyond that match to commemorate the awesome game between Barcelona and Manchester United yesterday. Which saw Barcelona triumph over Man U, 3-1. I'm a bit upset over Man U's loss, but at the same time, I'm quite happy for FC Barce. Makes me proud to be part-Spanish...
Side note: Manchester United plays the Sounders on July 20. Tickets don't go onsale to the public until June 1, but I managed to score a half-dozen tix last Friday. Thank goodness for connections. Let's see how Rainy City U.S.A. fares against Rainy City U.K.
At any rate, please expect us to be caught up by Wednesday with the reviews. Then we're on to our "Personal Favorites" finale... We're almost there.
REVIEW UPDATE: The Last 3 Superhero Flicks and The Soccer Flicks...
Hi, folks...
Hope everyone has a great start to the weekend. As you can see, I still owe you a shitload of reviews. Sorry for the delay. It's been a busy week. I'd hoped to at least get BATMAN RETURNS, DAREDEVIL, and ELEKTRA posted by last night, but another dive class yesterday put a stop to that. Diving is the most fun you can have (possibly next to watching a great soccer game or rubbing down someone's awesome hairy pecs with body oil), but it really takes the wind out of me afterwards.
Anyhow, because of more stuff today (Mexico vs. Ecuador!), I won't be able to get anything posted until much later today, possibly tomorrow. No worries, though. We will get there. Thanks for your patience.
Buon Sabato, folks!
Hope everyone has a great start to the weekend. As you can see, I still owe you a shitload of reviews. Sorry for the delay. It's been a busy week. I'd hoped to at least get BATMAN RETURNS, DAREDEVIL, and ELEKTRA posted by last night, but another dive class yesterday put a stop to that. Diving is the most fun you can have (possibly next to watching a great soccer game or rubbing down someone's awesome hairy pecs with body oil), but it really takes the wind out of me afterwards.
Anyhow, because of more stuff today (Mexico vs. Ecuador!), I won't be able to get anything posted until much later today, possibly tomorrow. No worries, though. We will get there. Thanks for your patience.
Buon Sabato, folks!
REVIEW UPDATE: The Last 3 Superhero Flicks and The Soccer Flicks...
Hello, folks...
Just to let you know, BATMAN RETURNS, DAREDEVIL, and ELEKTRA shall post by Thursday night. Sorry. With a dinner party to attend tonight, and the Sounders vs. Dallas game tomorrow night, it's a busy week. Then I have more dive training on Friday afternoon and evening.
The Soccer Flicks will post on Sunday, because of another social event on Saturday night (not to mention the Mexico vs. Ecuador game on Saturday afternoon). Don't worry. We'll get caught up. Then we're on to our "Personal Favorites" finale.
Get your suggestions in. Thanks, folks. As always, keep smiling and have fun!
Just to let you know, BATMAN RETURNS, DAREDEVIL, and ELEKTRA shall post by Thursday night. Sorry. With a dinner party to attend tonight, and the Sounders vs. Dallas game tomorrow night, it's a busy week. Then I have more dive training on Friday afternoon and evening.
The Soccer Flicks will post on Sunday, because of another social event on Saturday night (not to mention the Mexico vs. Ecuador game on Saturday afternoon). Don't worry. We'll get caught up. Then we're on to our "Personal Favorites" finale.
Get your suggestions in. Thanks, folks. As always, keep smiling and have fun!
# 339 - BATMAN (1989)
BATMAN (1989 - ACTION / SUPERHERO FLICK) ***½ out of *****
(Now that‘s a smile that even Julia Roberts would envy…)
CAST: Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson, Kim Basinger, Robert Wuhl, Jack Palance, Billy Dee Williams, Michael Gough, Jerry Hall.
DIRECTOR: Tim Burton
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one rich fucker who's got waaaaaaaaaaaay too much time on his hands - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) has been scarred by the death of his parents when he was a young boy, so he figures he‘ll overcome his trauma by dressing up like a bat and using his money to cook up a bunch of high-tech gadgetry to fight crime with. What‘s wrong with just, you know, going to Aruba, getting trashed, and sleeping with everyone in sight, instead? Whatever. It’s not my party. It’s Brucie’s. Anyhow, as if one freakazoid in the form of Batman isn’t enough, another whackjob with a mouth so wide it could suck five dicks at a time starts terrorizing Gotham City. He is the Joker - and he and Batman get along like a lit match and a massive fart. In short, not one of the more intriguing friendships on the silver screen. Before you know it, Batman gets what he wished for: playing goodie-goodie crimefighter to a rapacious dickhead who wears more make-up than Tammy Faye Baker.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Batman. Or, more accurately, all those fucking gadgets he has. Dude has no special powers of his own, let’s face it. Fuck, I could be Batman, given how useless he is on his own without his toys. Unlike my boy Clark Kent/Superman, whose pecs alone could easily cut glass and bust through solid steel - and maybe even whip up an omelet and a cappucino for breakfast, while they’re at it.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Michael Keaton. Something about that dude‘s eyebrows makes we want to give him a tongue bath. Is that bad? Am I bound for hell?
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: The Joker (Jack Nicholson) crashing Bruce and gal pal Vicky Vale‘s (Kim Basinger) date, while dancing to some ancient form of hip-hop. Scary as hell.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: The Joker (Jack Nicholson) crashing Bruce and gal pal Vicky Vale‘s (Kim Basinger) date, while dancing to some ancient form of hip-hop. Scary as hell. Oh, and every time Vicky screams. If this how she sounds when comes during sex, Brucie Boy better invest in some serious earplugs. It’s hard enough to control your orgasm without the Banshee From The Seventh Circle Of Hell screeching in your ear.
HOTTEST SCENE: Any scene where Michael Keaton and his “boys” (AKA his eyebrows) are the center of attention.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will the Joker seize control of Gotham City? Will Batman be able to stop him? Will Vicky Vale suffer from “Lois Lane Syndrome” and miss all the clues pointing to Batman’s real identity? Or will she decide Clark Kent is much hotter than Brucie Boy, even with his Michael Keaton eyebrows, and move to Metropolis and get a job at the Daily Planet? Because let's face it: Bruce Wayne is sizzlin' - but he ain't no Clark Kent...
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “BATMAN”: If you like good, if a little overrated, superhero flicks.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “BATMAN”: If you don’t like overrated superhero flicks.
FINAL ANALYSIS: I remember seeing BATMAN when it first came out in 1989, and finding it just okay. Bottom line: I just don’t think this film is as strong as its sequel BATMAN RETURNS (review coming). Still, it’s good enough, and deserves recognition as the first “Big Summer Superhero Movie”, even if it’s really not as good as others within its own series that came later (BATMAN RETURNS, BATMAN BEGINS, THE DARK KNIGHT), or later superhero films from other series (SPIDERMAN 1 and 2, SUPERMAN RETURNS, and even DAREDEVIL).
Michael Keaton is a surprisingly effective and sexy Batman. I remember the controversy his casting created. I suppose folks were expecting a more typical hero actor like Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, or Kevin Costner. Instead, they got Keaton - and they weren’t too happy about that. Fortunately, Keaton proved the naysayers wrong by more than holding his own against Jack Nicholson as the Joker, and actually investing some welcome humanity to the role of Bruce Wayne. This is one of the more successful “casting-against-type” moves in cinema history.
As Michael Keaton’s love interest, Kim Basinger is merely okay. She’s actually kind of annoying, and isn’t remotely believable as a journalist. Then again, this is a superhero movie. Like Bond films, they don’t exactly make realism their strong suit. That is, until BATMAN BEGINS and THE DARK KNIGHT came along and changed how these movies are made by making gritty realism a requirement. As competent as Basinger is, I would’ve preferred to have seen Sean Young in the role, who unfortunately was injured after filming began and had to drop out. Oh, well…
In the end, BATMAN deserves to be heralded as the first superhero flick that started the trend of expensive summer superhero movies. It’s nowhere near as good as people make it out to be, but it’s good enough to rate ***½ . But it’s definitely no BATMAN RETURNS, which is near perfect in my estimation.
(Now that‘s a smile that even Julia Roberts would envy…)
CAST: Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson, Kim Basinger, Robert Wuhl, Jack Palance, Billy Dee Williams, Michael Gough, Jerry Hall.
DIRECTOR: Tim Burton
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one rich fucker who's got waaaaaaaaaaaay too much time on his hands - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) has been scarred by the death of his parents when he was a young boy, so he figures he‘ll overcome his trauma by dressing up like a bat and using his money to cook up a bunch of high-tech gadgetry to fight crime with. What‘s wrong with just, you know, going to Aruba, getting trashed, and sleeping with everyone in sight, instead? Whatever. It’s not my party. It’s Brucie’s. Anyhow, as if one freakazoid in the form of Batman isn’t enough, another whackjob with a mouth so wide it could suck five dicks at a time starts terrorizing Gotham City. He is the Joker - and he and Batman get along like a lit match and a massive fart. In short, not one of the more intriguing friendships on the silver screen. Before you know it, Batman gets what he wished for: playing goodie-goodie crimefighter to a rapacious dickhead who wears more make-up than Tammy Faye Baker.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Batman. Or, more accurately, all those fucking gadgets he has. Dude has no special powers of his own, let’s face it. Fuck, I could be Batman, given how useless he is on his own without his toys. Unlike my boy Clark Kent/Superman, whose pecs alone could easily cut glass and bust through solid steel - and maybe even whip up an omelet and a cappucino for breakfast, while they’re at it.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Michael Keaton. Something about that dude‘s eyebrows makes we want to give him a tongue bath. Is that bad? Am I bound for hell?
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: The Joker (Jack Nicholson) crashing Bruce and gal pal Vicky Vale‘s (Kim Basinger) date, while dancing to some ancient form of hip-hop. Scary as hell.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: The Joker (Jack Nicholson) crashing Bruce and gal pal Vicky Vale‘s (Kim Basinger) date, while dancing to some ancient form of hip-hop. Scary as hell. Oh, and every time Vicky screams. If this how she sounds when comes during sex, Brucie Boy better invest in some serious earplugs. It’s hard enough to control your orgasm without the Banshee From The Seventh Circle Of Hell screeching in your ear.
HOTTEST SCENE: Any scene where Michael Keaton and his “boys” (AKA his eyebrows) are the center of attention.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will the Joker seize control of Gotham City? Will Batman be able to stop him? Will Vicky Vale suffer from “Lois Lane Syndrome” and miss all the clues pointing to Batman’s real identity? Or will she decide Clark Kent is much hotter than Brucie Boy, even with his Michael Keaton eyebrows, and move to Metropolis and get a job at the Daily Planet? Because let's face it: Bruce Wayne is sizzlin' - but he ain't no Clark Kent...
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “BATMAN”: If you like good, if a little overrated, superhero flicks.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “BATMAN”: If you don’t like overrated superhero flicks.
FINAL ANALYSIS: I remember seeing BATMAN when it first came out in 1989, and finding it just okay. Bottom line: I just don’t think this film is as strong as its sequel BATMAN RETURNS (review coming). Still, it’s good enough, and deserves recognition as the first “Big Summer Superhero Movie”, even if it’s really not as good as others within its own series that came later (BATMAN RETURNS, BATMAN BEGINS, THE DARK KNIGHT), or later superhero films from other series (SPIDERMAN 1 and 2, SUPERMAN RETURNS, and even DAREDEVIL).
Michael Keaton is a surprisingly effective and sexy Batman. I remember the controversy his casting created. I suppose folks were expecting a more typical hero actor like Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, or Kevin Costner. Instead, they got Keaton - and they weren’t too happy about that. Fortunately, Keaton proved the naysayers wrong by more than holding his own against Jack Nicholson as the Joker, and actually investing some welcome humanity to the role of Bruce Wayne. This is one of the more successful “casting-against-type” moves in cinema history.
As Michael Keaton’s love interest, Kim Basinger is merely okay. She’s actually kind of annoying, and isn’t remotely believable as a journalist. Then again, this is a superhero movie. Like Bond films, they don’t exactly make realism their strong suit. That is, until BATMAN BEGINS and THE DARK KNIGHT came along and changed how these movies are made by making gritty realism a requirement. As competent as Basinger is, I would’ve preferred to have seen Sean Young in the role, who unfortunately was injured after filming began and had to drop out. Oh, well…
In the end, BATMAN deserves to be heralded as the first superhero flick that started the trend of expensive summer superhero movies. It’s nowhere near as good as people make it out to be, but it’s good enough to rate ***½ . But it’s definitely no BATMAN RETURNS, which is near perfect in my estimation.
UPCOMING REVIEWS FOR THE WEEK OF 5/23/11 - 5/29/11
Hello, all... I know I still owe you four Superhero Flicks reviews, but I'm going to go ahead and post next week's schedule. Our theme is another Soccer Movie Week in honor of back-to-back games between Seattle vs. Dallas on Wednesday night, and Mexico vs. Ecuador on Saturday.
Once the last of the Superhero Flick reviews posts, we will segue right into the first of our Soccer Flicks... It's going to be a kick. : )
# 343 - ITALIAN FOR BEGINNERS (AKA: When I'm Not Watching Soccer Games, I Teach Dorks How To Speak Italian)
# 344 - GRACIE (AKA: Don't You Fucking Tell Me I Can't Play Soccer Just Because I Have Tits)
# 345 - GOAL 3 (AKA: Our Boy Santiago Munez Guns For The FIFA World Cup)
# 346 - GREENSTREET HOOLIGANS (AKA: Bet This Isn't What You Had In Mind When You Moved To Oxford, Huh?)
# 347 - DARE TO DREAM (AKA: The Mia Hamm Story)
# 348 - CUP FINAL (AKA: Guns And Soccer Do Not Match - Except When They Do)
# 349 - JOYEUX NOEL (AKA: Even In War, Soccer Kicks Ass)
Have a great week, folks... Hang on for the ride!
Once the last of the Superhero Flick reviews posts, we will segue right into the first of our Soccer Flicks... It's going to be a kick. : )
# 343 - ITALIAN FOR BEGINNERS (AKA: When I'm Not Watching Soccer Games, I Teach Dorks How To Speak Italian)
# 344 - GRACIE (AKA: Don't You Fucking Tell Me I Can't Play Soccer Just Because I Have Tits)
# 345 - GOAL 3 (AKA: Our Boy Santiago Munez Guns For The FIFA World Cup)
# 346 - GREENSTREET HOOLIGANS (AKA: Bet This Isn't What You Had In Mind When You Moved To Oxford, Huh?)
# 347 - DARE TO DREAM (AKA: The Mia Hamm Story)
# 348 - CUP FINAL (AKA: Guns And Soccer Do Not Match - Except When They Do)
# 349 - JOYEUX NOEL (AKA: Even In War, Soccer Kicks Ass)
Have a great week, folks... Hang on for the ride!
# 338 - SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006)
SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006 - ACTION/SUPERHERO FLICKS) ***½ out of *****
(Still wearing glasses…. Still wearing red speedos and blue tights… still smoking hot…)
CAST: Brandon Routh, Kate Bosworth, Kevin Spacey, Frank Langella, James Marsden, Parker Posey, Sam Huntington, Eva Marie Saint.
DIRECTOR: Bryan Singer
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and more damn good reasons to schtup a guy who wears red speedos and glasses (but not at the same time) straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: This flick (wisely) pretends SUPERMAN 3 and SUPERMAN 4 never happened - and picks up after the events of SUPERMAN 2. Our favorite Man In Tights and Speedos (Brandon Routh) returns from a five year sojourn to the Fortress of Solitude (or something) where he has gone to, I guess, meditate or some shit. Meanwhile, the world has pretty much gone to hell in a handbasket without him around to save the day. This prompts ex-flame Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth) to pen a lacerating article on why we don’t need Superman, which wins her a Pultizer. WHAT? Anyhow, Superman’s return pretty much reawakens Lois’s feelings for him, as well as the bitter hatred of nemesis Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey), who is bald - and not in that hot Kasey Keller way. Trouble and drama ensue. Lots of it…
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Superman, because he has a lot of saving to make up for after being gone for five years. Vacation’s over, buddy.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Brandon Routh as Superman/Clark Kent. Even hotter than Christopher Reeve, if that’s possible.
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Lex‘s moll, Kitty Kowalski (Parker Posey) trapped in a runaway car designed to distract Superman from a bank robbery happening across town. Seems Lexie failed to disclose to Kitty that the brakes were actually going to be broken. The cad…
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: No pun intended: the sight of all those toupees on Lex’s bureau. Makes me thankful to every god in the pantheon that baldness doesn’t run in my family (knock on wood). Premature graying? Well, that’s a different story….
HOTTEST SCENE: Superman and Lois‘ “dance“ in the sky. And they don’t even have their clothes off. Imagine that. And, also, the scene were the doctors rip off Superman’s costume to resuscitate him. Two words: Nice. Pecs.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: What does Lex Luthor want this time? What does that mysterious land mass off the Atlantic coast have to do with his plan? Will Superman be able to stop him? Will Lois and Superman ever reconcile? Will she forgive him for leaving mankind like he did? Or will she move on and forget about him? Will Superman continue to be able to pass unnoticed s Clark Kent? And - again - will Lois ever figure out that the smokin’ hot dude in glasses who works down the hall from her is actually Superman? Like I said. I knew - immediately.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SUPERMAN RETURNS”: If, as I do, you love the Superman mythos.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SUPERMAN RETURNS”: If you don’t like the Superman mythos. If so, get your ass outta here.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Ostensibly picking up where SUPERMAN 2 ended in 1980, SUPERMAN RETURNS aims to be more than just an easy re-boot. It tries to expand the image of Superman as more than just a super-being who continues to save the world from the forces of evil. This film seeks to explore his humanity, as well as the isolation that often comes with greatness. Both of this threads are explored in the subplot that deals with his possible fatherhood. Lois’ son may be his own, and this story thread is easily the best in the film. It could’ve been used a little more, but thankfully it wasn’t used less.
Brandon Routh is an arresting screen presence as Superman/Clark Kent, and it’s easy to see why he was chosen for this role. Just as Christopher Reeve was a relative unknown back in 1977 when he was cast a Superman/Clark Kent, Routh similarly modest acting background. But he more than makes the role his own. His best scenes are of the ones where Superman/Clark must grapple with his relationships with Lois and her son - his son. Kevin Spacey is also quite good as Lex Luthor, and makes the character amusing and witty without sacrificing his menace. He is a slight improvement over Gene Hackman from SUPERMAN 1 - and Hackman was pretty good in that.
The only flaw that SUPERMAN RETURNS has is Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane. As with Denise Richards and her nuclear physicist role in THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, Bosworth looks far too young to portray a worldly (and world-weary) journalist. Her line delivery is competent, but her mannerisms are of someone who is much younger than the role requires. She doesn’t quite gel with her male co-stars, which also includes James Marsden as her fiancee, Richard White. Bosworth tries her best, and has an enchanting beauty, but her youth is never quite masked by the tough, intense, and driven qualities that she tries to portray. By contrast, Katie Holmes as ADA Rachel Dawes in BATMAN BEGINS successfully convinced you that she was a tough, intense, and driven assistant district attorney. Bosworth, on the other hand, often comes across as a high school student playing dress-up. She’s not bad - just far too young (and not intense enough) for the role.
Indeed, the character of Lois Lane is supposed to be friendly, approachable, but yet also mysterious - so that when Richard says "No matter how much I love her, she'll always be a mystery to me" you're supposed to get it. Unfortunately, this is not the case with Bosworth in the role. In her hands, the character is just not mysterious at all. And, as a result, Richard's line makes no sense.
In the end, though, you have to give director Bryan Singer (X-MEN) major credit for going the earnest, soulful route with SUPERMAN RETURNS - and largely succeeding. Imagine if action director McG (CHARLIE’S ANGELS) and JJ Abrams (LOST, ALIAS, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3) had succeeded in bringing their version called the smart-alecky-sounding SUPERMAN: FLYBY to the screens. I shudder to think how that would’ve turned out.
(Still wearing glasses…. Still wearing red speedos and blue tights… still smoking hot…)
CAST: Brandon Routh, Kate Bosworth, Kevin Spacey, Frank Langella, James Marsden, Parker Posey, Sam Huntington, Eva Marie Saint.
DIRECTOR: Bryan Singer
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and more damn good reasons to schtup a guy who wears red speedos and glasses (but not at the same time) straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: This flick (wisely) pretends SUPERMAN 3 and SUPERMAN 4 never happened - and picks up after the events of SUPERMAN 2. Our favorite Man In Tights and Speedos (Brandon Routh) returns from a five year sojourn to the Fortress of Solitude (or something) where he has gone to, I guess, meditate or some shit. Meanwhile, the world has pretty much gone to hell in a handbasket without him around to save the day. This prompts ex-flame Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth) to pen a lacerating article on why we don’t need Superman, which wins her a Pultizer. WHAT? Anyhow, Superman’s return pretty much reawakens Lois’s feelings for him, as well as the bitter hatred of nemesis Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey), who is bald - and not in that hot Kasey Keller way. Trouble and drama ensue. Lots of it…
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Superman, because he has a lot of saving to make up for after being gone for five years. Vacation’s over, buddy.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Brandon Routh as Superman/Clark Kent. Even hotter than Christopher Reeve, if that’s possible.
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Lex‘s moll, Kitty Kowalski (Parker Posey) trapped in a runaway car designed to distract Superman from a bank robbery happening across town. Seems Lexie failed to disclose to Kitty that the brakes were actually going to be broken. The cad…
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: No pun intended: the sight of all those toupees on Lex’s bureau. Makes me thankful to every god in the pantheon that baldness doesn’t run in my family (knock on wood). Premature graying? Well, that’s a different story….
HOTTEST SCENE: Superman and Lois‘ “dance“ in the sky. And they don’t even have their clothes off. Imagine that. And, also, the scene were the doctors rip off Superman’s costume to resuscitate him. Two words: Nice. Pecs.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: What does Lex Luthor want this time? What does that mysterious land mass off the Atlantic coast have to do with his plan? Will Superman be able to stop him? Will Lois and Superman ever reconcile? Will she forgive him for leaving mankind like he did? Or will she move on and forget about him? Will Superman continue to be able to pass unnoticed s Clark Kent? And - again - will Lois ever figure out that the smokin’ hot dude in glasses who works down the hall from her is actually Superman? Like I said. I knew - immediately.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SUPERMAN RETURNS”: If, as I do, you love the Superman mythos.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SUPERMAN RETURNS”: If you don’t like the Superman mythos. If so, get your ass outta here.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Ostensibly picking up where SUPERMAN 2 ended in 1980, SUPERMAN RETURNS aims to be more than just an easy re-boot. It tries to expand the image of Superman as more than just a super-being who continues to save the world from the forces of evil. This film seeks to explore his humanity, as well as the isolation that often comes with greatness. Both of this threads are explored in the subplot that deals with his possible fatherhood. Lois’ son may be his own, and this story thread is easily the best in the film. It could’ve been used a little more, but thankfully it wasn’t used less.
Brandon Routh is an arresting screen presence as Superman/Clark Kent, and it’s easy to see why he was chosen for this role. Just as Christopher Reeve was a relative unknown back in 1977 when he was cast a Superman/Clark Kent, Routh similarly modest acting background. But he more than makes the role his own. His best scenes are of the ones where Superman/Clark must grapple with his relationships with Lois and her son - his son. Kevin Spacey is also quite good as Lex Luthor, and makes the character amusing and witty without sacrificing his menace. He is a slight improvement over Gene Hackman from SUPERMAN 1 - and Hackman was pretty good in that.
The only flaw that SUPERMAN RETURNS has is Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane. As with Denise Richards and her nuclear physicist role in THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, Bosworth looks far too young to portray a worldly (and world-weary) journalist. Her line delivery is competent, but her mannerisms are of someone who is much younger than the role requires. She doesn’t quite gel with her male co-stars, which also includes James Marsden as her fiancee, Richard White. Bosworth tries her best, and has an enchanting beauty, but her youth is never quite masked by the tough, intense, and driven qualities that she tries to portray. By contrast, Katie Holmes as ADA Rachel Dawes in BATMAN BEGINS successfully convinced you that she was a tough, intense, and driven assistant district attorney. Bosworth, on the other hand, often comes across as a high school student playing dress-up. She’s not bad - just far too young (and not intense enough) for the role.
Indeed, the character of Lois Lane is supposed to be friendly, approachable, but yet also mysterious - so that when Richard says "No matter how much I love her, she'll always be a mystery to me" you're supposed to get it. Unfortunately, this is not the case with Bosworth in the role. In her hands, the character is just not mysterious at all. And, as a result, Richard's line makes no sense.
In the end, though, you have to give director Bryan Singer (X-MEN) major credit for going the earnest, soulful route with SUPERMAN RETURNS - and largely succeeding. Imagine if action director McG (CHARLIE’S ANGELS) and JJ Abrams (LOST, ALIAS, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3) had succeeded in bringing their version called the smart-alecky-sounding SUPERMAN: FLYBY to the screens. I shudder to think how that would’ve turned out.
REVIEW UPDATE: The Last Five Superhero Flicks...
Hi, folks... I had hoped to get the last of the Superhero Flicks posted, but it's been a busy weekend. Next weekend promises to be the same with the Mexico vs. Ecuador match (and the Sounders vs. Dallas match on Wednesday night), but we will still stay on schedule with our reviews.
Please expect the last of the Superhero Flicks to post by Tuesday. Then we're on to next week's Soccer Flicks. List of titles to post soon.
Thanks for your patience. We're almost there. :)
Please expect the last of the Superhero Flicks to post by Tuesday. Then we're on to next week's Soccer Flicks. List of titles to post soon.
Thanks for your patience. We're almost there. :)
REVIEW UPDATE: Sounders beat the Sporting Kansas In A Game of True Suspense....
Now, this is why they call it "the Beautiful Game", folks...
The whole thing could've been a thriller movie. And its title would've been THE DEFENDERS ATTACK! Tonight's game between the Sounders and Sporting Kansas was a ferocious, nail-biting nil-nil up until the end of the second quarter. Then, right in the middle of stoppage time, when a 0-0 seemed all but certain, with everyone gathering up their jackets and getting ready to make a disappointed sprint for the Light Rail or the parking lot, our boys in green scored a surprise last-minute goal from a corner kick/header combo courtesy of defenders Tyson Wahl and Jeff Parke.
Jeff Parke's header sent the ball into the net, which Kansas' goalie missed by a mile. Dude wound up getting tangled in the net worse than the ball. If I wasn't screaming and jumping up and down like the whole stadium, I would've been laughing my ass off. Dude was ass over teakettle in the net like a huge albino fish.
And let's not forget Kasey Keller's numerous saves, involving one breathtaking sweep/slide in which he literally stole the ball from under the feet of an attacking Kansas player. The move was such a thing of beauty I literally cried with joy. The man is a truly a keeper - in more ways than one...
Love it. Love it. Love it. Now I don't have to make a bootie call to work out my frustration like I did last weekend with the Sounder vs. Timbers draw... Well, maybe I'll make the call anyway - to celebrate. > )
Next up: Dallas FC on Wednesday night. Watch out, you Texan bastards...
The whole thing could've been a thriller movie. And its title would've been THE DEFENDERS ATTACK! Tonight's game between the Sounders and Sporting Kansas was a ferocious, nail-biting nil-nil up until the end of the second quarter. Then, right in the middle of stoppage time, when a 0-0 seemed all but certain, with everyone gathering up their jackets and getting ready to make a disappointed sprint for the Light Rail or the parking lot, our boys in green scored a surprise last-minute goal from a corner kick/header combo courtesy of defenders Tyson Wahl and Jeff Parke.
Jeff Parke's header sent the ball into the net, which Kansas' goalie missed by a mile. Dude wound up getting tangled in the net worse than the ball. If I wasn't screaming and jumping up and down like the whole stadium, I would've been laughing my ass off. Dude was ass over teakettle in the net like a huge albino fish.
And let's not forget Kasey Keller's numerous saves, involving one breathtaking sweep/slide in which he literally stole the ball from under the feet of an attacking Kansas player. The move was such a thing of beauty I literally cried with joy. The man is a truly a keeper - in more ways than one...
Love it. Love it. Love it. Now I don't have to make a bootie call to work out my frustration like I did last weekend with the Sounder vs. Timbers draw... Well, maybe I'll make the call anyway - to celebrate. > )
Next up: Dallas FC on Wednesday night. Watch out, you Texan bastards...
SNEAK PEEK: Our Last Two and Half Weeks....
Hiya, folks...
We're gearing up for the end of our year-long run. Hard to believe we were embarking on this mad-cap, insane journey almost a year ago. And here we are, almost a year later, and we're almost finishing up. Lots of questions abound from readers, such as what do we do after June 14? Well, let's just say that life will go on - and so will this blog, but in surprising ways. Details to come.
I had hoped to go to Italy to celebrate, but the summer season is peak season for my day job, so that wasn't so feasible. Nope, my Italian journey will have to wait until later this year. We'll talk about our plans for the future later... We will carry on. And, as always, it will be a blast...
For now, though, please know that from May 30 to June 14, our last two and a half weeks, we will review "Personal Favorites". Yup, I will be reviewing the favorite movies of friends, family, and fans - as well as my own. I've started to pick and choose, and will release the titles on May 28, during the end of Soccer Week # 3 in honor of the Mexico vs. Ecuador game. So, there's still time to get your "personal favorite" in for consideration. Just shoot me an email, folks...
It's been a wonderful run. I didn't think I could do it, but here we are, and your viewership and support was very instrumental in keeping the pace going. I love you all.
Please find below a few "Favorites" that have made the list. three are from friends or fans, one is from me. The list will get longer as we get closer to May 28. Send your stuff in, and while I can't promise anything, I will choose the most interesting suggestions. Thanks, all... always.
In the meantime, please expect the last of the Superhero Flicks to post tomorrow. Got some hanging out to do today and the Sounders vs. Sporting Kansas game at Qwest Field tonight. Then we're on to next week's Soccer Flicks - then we start our "Personal Favorites" run...
We're gearing up for the end of our year-long run. Hard to believe we were embarking on this mad-cap, insane journey almost a year ago. And here we are, almost a year later, and we're almost finishing up. Lots of questions abound from readers, such as what do we do after June 14? Well, let's just say that life will go on - and so will this blog, but in surprising ways. Details to come.
I had hoped to go to Italy to celebrate, but the summer season is peak season for my day job, so that wasn't so feasible. Nope, my Italian journey will have to wait until later this year. We'll talk about our plans for the future later... We will carry on. And, as always, it will be a blast...
For now, though, please know that from May 30 to June 14, our last two and a half weeks, we will review "Personal Favorites". Yup, I will be reviewing the favorite movies of friends, family, and fans - as well as my own. I've started to pick and choose, and will release the titles on May 28, during the end of Soccer Week # 3 in honor of the Mexico vs. Ecuador game. So, there's still time to get your "personal favorite" in for consideration. Just shoot me an email, folks...
It's been a wonderful run. I didn't think I could do it, but here we are, and your viewership and support was very instrumental in keeping the pace going. I love you all.
Please find below a few "Favorites" that have made the list. three are from friends or fans, one is from me. The list will get longer as we get closer to May 28. Send your stuff in, and while I can't promise anything, I will choose the most interesting suggestions. Thanks, all... always.
In the meantime, please expect the last of the Superhero Flicks to post tomorrow. Got some hanging out to do today and the Sounders vs. Sporting Kansas game at Qwest Field tonight. Then we're on to next week's Soccer Flicks - then we start our "Personal Favorites" run...
REVIEW UPDATE: The Superhero Flicks...
Hello, folks...
Just rolled in from spending an entire day getting wet. No, pervs, not that kind of "wet". I'm talking about scuba diving. Part training/part leisure - all fun. That other kind of "wet" happens closer to midnight tonight. But before that I have a shindig to attend celebrating my half-Asian heritage. Which likely will mean copious amounts of San Miguel Beer. Which will likely mean my tongue down someone's throat before the 10 PM mark. We'll see.
Anyhow, because of my full dance card this weekend, I will do my best to get the rest of the Superhero Flicks posted. The Sounders vs. Sporting Kansas soccer game tomorrow evening is another priority. Then I've got more social obligations on Sunday. So, we'll get them posted when we can. Please note that I am pulling CONDORMAN and SPIDERMAN to make room for SUPERMAN RETURNS and BATMAN RETURNS. You can never have enough Clark Kent...
Don't worry. We'll get there. Then we're on to next week's Soccer Flick Week # 3 to celebrate next weekend's Mexico vs. Ecuador game at Qwest Field, which we have been waiting for all year.
Now, let me wash this salt out of my hair some more and make myself purdy and sexay for tonight. Since I am most definitely no Clark Kent, that process could take hours...
Have a great weekend, folks...
Just rolled in from spending an entire day getting wet. No, pervs, not that kind of "wet". I'm talking about scuba diving. Part training/part leisure - all fun. That other kind of "wet" happens closer to midnight tonight. But before that I have a shindig to attend celebrating my half-Asian heritage. Which likely will mean copious amounts of San Miguel Beer. Which will likely mean my tongue down someone's throat before the 10 PM mark. We'll see.
Anyhow, because of my full dance card this weekend, I will do my best to get the rest of the Superhero Flicks posted. The Sounders vs. Sporting Kansas soccer game tomorrow evening is another priority. Then I've got more social obligations on Sunday. So, we'll get them posted when we can. Please note that I am pulling CONDORMAN and SPIDERMAN to make room for SUPERMAN RETURNS and BATMAN RETURNS. You can never have enough Clark Kent...
Don't worry. We'll get there. Then we're on to next week's Soccer Flick Week # 3 to celebrate next weekend's Mexico vs. Ecuador game at Qwest Field, which we have been waiting for all year.
Now, let me wash this salt out of my hair some more and make myself purdy and sexay for tonight. Since I am most definitely no Clark Kent, that process could take hours...
Have a great weekend, folks...
# 337 - SUPERMAN (1978)
SUPERMAN (1978 - ACTION / SUPERHERO FLICK) **** out of *****
(Never underestimate mega-hotties wearing glasses, especially when they're called… Clark Kent)
CAST: Christopher Reeves, Margot Kidder, Gene Hackman, Glenn Ford, Marlon Brando, Susannah York, Valerie Perrine.
DIRECTOR: Kenneth Branagh
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one damn good reason to schtup a guy who wears red speedos and glasses (but not at the same time) straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Shit’s brewing (AKA Armageddon is happening) on the planet Krypton, and its Prez and First Lady, Jor-El and Lara (Marlon Brando and Susannah York), put their infant son Kal-El in some sort of bizarre escape pod - and send his ass to… Earth. There, Kal-El is adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Kent (Glenn Ford and Phyllis Thaxter), who christen him… Clark. Clark grows up into a ultra-smokin’-hot hunk who wears glasses and goes around acting all “aw-shucks” and shit. He becomes a reporter at the Daily Planet, where he clashes with star reporter Lois Lane (Margot Kidder). Lois thinks he’s just your basic nice guy, but she is so damn wrong it’s not even funny. You see, underneath Clark Kent’s nice-guy suit is more than just awesome chest hair. He’s also wearing a red cape, red speedos, and blue tights with a giant S on it. Yes, folks, he is SUPERMAN!
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Superman, duh. And sometimes, Clark Kent. Think of them as two sides of the same hot mo-fo.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Christopher Reeves as Superman/Clark Kent. It’s debatable which persona is hotter: the steely superhero you wish would spank you silly, or the bespectacled “aw-shucks” dude you wish you could spank silly. Either way, count me in.
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Lois Lane hanging by a seat belt from an incapacitated helicopter - only to be rescued by our hottie in Red Speedos.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Villain Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman) bathing in a pool then ordering bitch-boy assistant Otis (Ned Beatty) to fetch him his robe. Gene Hackman is a good-looking guy - but he ain’t no Clark Kent.
HOTTEST SCENE: Pretty much any scene where Clark Kent is looking for a phone booth to undress in. Yes, I know I’m a degenerate.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: What does Lex Luthor want? Why are he and Superman mortal enemies? Will Lois and the rest of the world get caught in the crossfire? Will Superman triumph? Or will our bald baddie somehow figure out the effect Kryptonite has on him? Will Lois put her neck out for Superman? And will she ever figure out that the sizzlin’ hot dude who wears glasses and works down the hall from her is actually… Superman? I did. Almost immediately.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SUPERMAN”: If you like action/superhero flicks that combine a child-like sense of awe and wonder, then this movie is for you. Ditto if you’re a Chris Reeve fan. Because this movie is all him.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SUPERMAN”: If you don’t like Superhero flicks, then this will be like watching a Japanese training video on how to train chimpanzees.
FINAL ANALYSIS: SUPERMAN does a terrific job of combining a “coming-of-age” story, a romance, and a superhero adventure - and does it seamlessly. The reason the film has such timeless appeal, though, is because the “coming-of-age” angle is very strong. Watching Clark Kent navigate his way through the world and find his path is this film’s most compelling thread. The scene where he stands in a field with Ma Kent before he leaves the farm to strike out and make his mark, is ripe with visual power. Indeed, there is a sense of wonder and awe to this film that is not present in the very recent reboot called SUPERMAN RETURNS (review coming as a substitute for CONDORMAN). I think it’s because SUPERMAN came out in 1978, before movie audiences got cynical. Watching this movie, you can’t help but feel like a kid again. That’s a great feeling.
The cast led by Christopher Reeve is perfect. All the roles as ideally cast, right down the line. The major standouts are Margot Kidder as the feisty, brave, mouthy Lois Lane, whom Clark Kent/Superman can’t help but fall for. Gene Hackman is also a hoot as Lex Luthor. Hackman wisely plays the character with a light touch. Too dark a portrayal would’ve upset the delicate balance between serious and playful that this film gets so right.
In the end, SUPERMAN remains one of the best superhero flicks, primarily because of Christopher Reeve’s flawless portrayal - as well as those of his fellow cast members. It also stands the test of time because of how vividly and cleverly it weaves the core story of a young man finding his place in the world, with an exciting superhero tale.
(Never underestimate mega-hotties wearing glasses, especially when they're called… Clark Kent)
CAST: Christopher Reeves, Margot Kidder, Gene Hackman, Glenn Ford, Marlon Brando, Susannah York, Valerie Perrine.
DIRECTOR: Kenneth Branagh
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one damn good reason to schtup a guy who wears red speedos and glasses (but not at the same time) straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Shit’s brewing (AKA Armageddon is happening) on the planet Krypton, and its Prez and First Lady, Jor-El and Lara (Marlon Brando and Susannah York), put their infant son Kal-El in some sort of bizarre escape pod - and send his ass to… Earth. There, Kal-El is adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Kent (Glenn Ford and Phyllis Thaxter), who christen him… Clark. Clark grows up into a ultra-smokin’-hot hunk who wears glasses and goes around acting all “aw-shucks” and shit. He becomes a reporter at the Daily Planet, where he clashes with star reporter Lois Lane (Margot Kidder). Lois thinks he’s just your basic nice guy, but she is so damn wrong it’s not even funny. You see, underneath Clark Kent’s nice-guy suit is more than just awesome chest hair. He’s also wearing a red cape, red speedos, and blue tights with a giant S on it. Yes, folks, he is SUPERMAN!
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Superman, duh. And sometimes, Clark Kent. Think of them as two sides of the same hot mo-fo.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Christopher Reeves as Superman/Clark Kent. It’s debatable which persona is hotter: the steely superhero you wish would spank you silly, or the bespectacled “aw-shucks” dude you wish you could spank silly. Either way, count me in.
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Lois Lane hanging by a seat belt from an incapacitated helicopter - only to be rescued by our hottie in Red Speedos.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Villain Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman) bathing in a pool then ordering bitch-boy assistant Otis (Ned Beatty) to fetch him his robe. Gene Hackman is a good-looking guy - but he ain’t no Clark Kent.
HOTTEST SCENE: Pretty much any scene where Clark Kent is looking for a phone booth to undress in. Yes, I know I’m a degenerate.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: What does Lex Luthor want? Why are he and Superman mortal enemies? Will Lois and the rest of the world get caught in the crossfire? Will Superman triumph? Or will our bald baddie somehow figure out the effect Kryptonite has on him? Will Lois put her neck out for Superman? And will she ever figure out that the sizzlin’ hot dude who wears glasses and works down the hall from her is actually… Superman? I did. Almost immediately.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SUPERMAN”: If you like action/superhero flicks that combine a child-like sense of awe and wonder, then this movie is for you. Ditto if you’re a Chris Reeve fan. Because this movie is all him.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SUPERMAN”: If you don’t like Superhero flicks, then this will be like watching a Japanese training video on how to train chimpanzees.
FINAL ANALYSIS: SUPERMAN does a terrific job of combining a “coming-of-age” story, a romance, and a superhero adventure - and does it seamlessly. The reason the film has such timeless appeal, though, is because the “coming-of-age” angle is very strong. Watching Clark Kent navigate his way through the world and find his path is this film’s most compelling thread. The scene where he stands in a field with Ma Kent before he leaves the farm to strike out and make his mark, is ripe with visual power. Indeed, there is a sense of wonder and awe to this film that is not present in the very recent reboot called SUPERMAN RETURNS (review coming as a substitute for CONDORMAN). I think it’s because SUPERMAN came out in 1978, before movie audiences got cynical. Watching this movie, you can’t help but feel like a kid again. That’s a great feeling.
The cast led by Christopher Reeve is perfect. All the roles as ideally cast, right down the line. The major standouts are Margot Kidder as the feisty, brave, mouthy Lois Lane, whom Clark Kent/Superman can’t help but fall for. Gene Hackman is also a hoot as Lex Luthor. Hackman wisely plays the character with a light touch. Too dark a portrayal would’ve upset the delicate balance between serious and playful that this film gets so right.
In the end, SUPERMAN remains one of the best superhero flicks, primarily because of Christopher Reeve’s flawless portrayal - as well as those of his fellow cast members. It also stands the test of time because of how vividly and cleverly it weaves the core story of a young man finding his place in the world, with an exciting superhero tale.
# 336 - THOR (2011)
THOR (2011 - ACTION / SUPERHERO FLICK) ***½ out of *****
(They can keep this Steroid Man for themselves. Give me a lean, lanky, athletic, hairy, muscled-just-enough, nice pecs, swimmer‘s-build, cyclist‘s-physique, kind of guy - anyday…)
CAST: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Stellan Skarsgaard, Kat Dennings, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba.
DIRECTOR: Kenneth Branagh
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one overly-muscled blonde god - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: In a place somewhere above the Earth (or something) is a magical, other-worldly place called Asgard (or something) where a bunch of hotties who call themselves gods (or something) live. When a pissing contest between two of them gets out of hand, the blonder and buffer of the two, Thor (Chris Hemsworth), goes into self-imposed exile on Earth below. He runs into astro-physicist Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) who becomes enchanted by Thor’s he-man tactics and mug-smashing antics. Women. Anyhow, back in Asgard, Thor’s enemy (and adopted brother) Loki (Tom Hiddleston) sends his deadly henchman to Earth to wipe out Thor for good - and woe betide anyone who gets in the way. Jane, dear? I’m talking to you, girl. Run. Run as long as there’s ground.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Thor, of course. Although Jane does get to pitch in every once in awhile, and so do Thor’s bizarro cronies who show up on Earth, unannounced, wearing clothes that wouldn’t be out of place at the wackiest medieval festival.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: You’d think Chris Hemsworth as Thor. But… no. Sorry. There’s just something about too-buff dudes with overly muscular, hairless torsos that makes me think of an oversized blow-up doll. Lean, lanky, rangy, athletic dudes with swimmer/cyclist builds with acres and acres of chest and belly hair is where it’s at, folks, because they’re usually hung like a horse. Compared to them, Thor is just a blonde Conan The Barbarian with a (most likely) tiny dick. Well, at least Natalie Portman is an ultra-babe.
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Thor going mano-a-mano with Loki’s mechanized pitbull/robot/enforcer - right in the middle of a small town. Hope those folks all have iron-clad property insurance.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Thor getting tazed/syringed/bludgeoned repeatedly. For an invincible superhero, he sure does get smacked around a lot.
HOTTEST SCENE: You might expect me to cite the scene where Thor walks around with his shirt off. But, sorry, no… if a guy is so buff that his arms are forever sticking out from his sides like he’s carrying a couple of invisible rolled-up carpets, that’s just unsexy. Like I said, they should have stuck a scene somewhere with a hot, hairy, lean, lanky, muscled-just-right, athletic dude in a speedo - just for good measure. That would have been the hottest scene. As it stands, I’ll have to go with any scene showing Natalie Portman’s gorgeous face. That is one beautiful woman.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Why is Loki so determined to kill off Thor? Does he want to rule Asgard that bad? Will Jane help Thor overthrow Loki? Or will she get caught in the crossfire? Will Thor’s buddies from Asgard help him beat Loki’s assassin? Or is the Earth pretty much fucked? Well, let’s just say that with all those goddamn muscles, Thor better be able to save the fucking planet. They have to be good for something.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THOR”: If you like exciting, well-made action/superhero films that aren‘t afraid to be a little funny and goofy. And if, for some reason, you are nuts about muscular men who look like they’re forever carrying invisible carpets under each arm. Like I said, give me a swimmer/cyclist anyday.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THOR”: If you’re not into superhero flicks or goofy action movies. And if you really can’t stand overly muscular men who look like they’re carrying invisible carpets under each arm.
FINAL ANALYSIS: THOR is a perfect combo of action, heart, spectacle and humor. The cast is uniformly good, and take their roles just seriously enough for us to be invested in their action, but with also enough lightness so that a nice sense of humor is generated to keep things from being too heavy-handed. Director Kenneth Branagh proves that he’s just as good as a director as he is an actor.
Speaking of actors, Natalie Portman proves again how versatile she is as an actress. Following her harrowing turn as the “good/evil” ballerina from BLACK SWAN, this performance is a lot easier but it also gives Portman the opportunity to inject some interesting and unexpected shadings into this normal woman. Can’t wait for Jane to come back in the inevitable sequel. As Thor, Chris Hemsworth demonstrates ample screen presence. Like I said, he may not be my idea of the perfect guy (shocking to some) even with his huge muscles and “Brad Pitt” looks, but his acting skills are fine.
In the end, THOR can stand next to IRON MAN as a Marvel Comics adaptation that is serious, smart, sardonic, and soulful - all in the right places…
(They can keep this Steroid Man for themselves. Give me a lean, lanky, athletic, hairy, muscled-just-enough, nice pecs, swimmer‘s-build, cyclist‘s-physique, kind of guy - anyday…)
CAST: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Stellan Skarsgaard, Kat Dennings, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba.
DIRECTOR: Kenneth Branagh
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one overly-muscled blonde god - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: In a place somewhere above the Earth (or something) is a magical, other-worldly place called Asgard (or something) where a bunch of hotties who call themselves gods (or something) live. When a pissing contest between two of them gets out of hand, the blonder and buffer of the two, Thor (Chris Hemsworth), goes into self-imposed exile on Earth below. He runs into astro-physicist Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) who becomes enchanted by Thor’s he-man tactics and mug-smashing antics. Women. Anyhow, back in Asgard, Thor’s enemy (and adopted brother) Loki (Tom Hiddleston) sends his deadly henchman to Earth to wipe out Thor for good - and woe betide anyone who gets in the way. Jane, dear? I’m talking to you, girl. Run. Run as long as there’s ground.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Thor, of course. Although Jane does get to pitch in every once in awhile, and so do Thor’s bizarro cronies who show up on Earth, unannounced, wearing clothes that wouldn’t be out of place at the wackiest medieval festival.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: You’d think Chris Hemsworth as Thor. But… no. Sorry. There’s just something about too-buff dudes with overly muscular, hairless torsos that makes me think of an oversized blow-up doll. Lean, lanky, rangy, athletic dudes with swimmer/cyclist builds with acres and acres of chest and belly hair is where it’s at, folks, because they’re usually hung like a horse. Compared to them, Thor is just a blonde Conan The Barbarian with a (most likely) tiny dick. Well, at least Natalie Portman is an ultra-babe.
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Thor going mano-a-mano with Loki’s mechanized pitbull/robot/enforcer - right in the middle of a small town. Hope those folks all have iron-clad property insurance.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Thor getting tazed/syringed/bludgeoned repeatedly. For an invincible superhero, he sure does get smacked around a lot.
HOTTEST SCENE: You might expect me to cite the scene where Thor walks around with his shirt off. But, sorry, no… if a guy is so buff that his arms are forever sticking out from his sides like he’s carrying a couple of invisible rolled-up carpets, that’s just unsexy. Like I said, they should have stuck a scene somewhere with a hot, hairy, lean, lanky, muscled-just-right, athletic dude in a speedo - just for good measure. That would have been the hottest scene. As it stands, I’ll have to go with any scene showing Natalie Portman’s gorgeous face. That is one beautiful woman.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Why is Loki so determined to kill off Thor? Does he want to rule Asgard that bad? Will Jane help Thor overthrow Loki? Or will she get caught in the crossfire? Will Thor’s buddies from Asgard help him beat Loki’s assassin? Or is the Earth pretty much fucked? Well, let’s just say that with all those goddamn muscles, Thor better be able to save the fucking planet. They have to be good for something.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THOR”: If you like exciting, well-made action/superhero films that aren‘t afraid to be a little funny and goofy. And if, for some reason, you are nuts about muscular men who look like they’re forever carrying invisible carpets under each arm. Like I said, give me a swimmer/cyclist anyday.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THOR”: If you’re not into superhero flicks or goofy action movies. And if you really can’t stand overly muscular men who look like they’re carrying invisible carpets under each arm.
FINAL ANALYSIS: THOR is a perfect combo of action, heart, spectacle and humor. The cast is uniformly good, and take their roles just seriously enough for us to be invested in their action, but with also enough lightness so that a nice sense of humor is generated to keep things from being too heavy-handed. Director Kenneth Branagh proves that he’s just as good as a director as he is an actor.
Speaking of actors, Natalie Portman proves again how versatile she is as an actress. Following her harrowing turn as the “good/evil” ballerina from BLACK SWAN, this performance is a lot easier but it also gives Portman the opportunity to inject some interesting and unexpected shadings into this normal woman. Can’t wait for Jane to come back in the inevitable sequel. As Thor, Chris Hemsworth demonstrates ample screen presence. Like I said, he may not be my idea of the perfect guy (shocking to some) even with his huge muscles and “Brad Pitt” looks, but his acting skills are fine.
In the end, THOR can stand next to IRON MAN as a Marvel Comics adaptation that is serious, smart, sardonic, and soulful - all in the right places…
SNEAK PEEK: Next Week's Reviews...
UPDATE: Please note that I've had to re-arrange our Soccer Flicks Schedule for next week's Mexico Vs. Ecuador match. I had to pull TIFOSI and O CASAMENTO DE ROMEO E JULIETA, both terrific Italian Football Flicks, because they apparently haven't been released here in the States on DVD. I happened to see them when I lived in Italy, and if you ever get a chance to view them, grab it. For now, though, please note that I will have to do some substitution: ITALIAN FOR BEGINNERS, which has interesting link to soccer, and GRACIE, which is like an American BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM.
Happy Hump Day Eve, folks...
Before we get started on this week's Superhero Flicks, I present to y'all a first glimpse at next week's theme. Let's just say that it has to do with a certain match between Mexico and Ecuador on May 28 at Qwest Field.
Please expect THOR, SUPERMAN, and BATMAN to start posting by around Thursday, to be followed by the rest of the Superhero Flicks. Then we're on to our movies next week to celebrate Mexico vs. Ecuador? What could these movies be about? What, I ask?
Happy Hump Day Eve, folks...
Before we get started on this week's Superhero Flicks, I present to y'all a first glimpse at next week's theme. Let's just say that it has to do with a certain match between Mexico and Ecuador on May 28 at Qwest Field.
Please expect THOR, SUPERMAN, and BATMAN to start posting by around Thursday, to be followed by the rest of the Superhero Flicks. Then we're on to our movies next week to celebrate Mexico vs. Ecuador? What could these movies be about? What, I ask?
UPCOMING REVIEWS FOR THE WEEK OF 5/16/11 - 5/22/11
Evening, folks...
With the posting of THE HUNTED, we are right on track to segue into our Superhero Flicks for next week in honor of THOR's release last weekend. Please note that because of my continuing dive training for my Divemaster certification most evenings this coming week, the first of those reviews won't post until Thursday or so. Another Sounders game this coming weekend (vs. Kansas City) will also cause a delay. Rest assured, though, that all the Superhero Flicks will post by next Sunday. Pinky swear!
At any rate, for now, please find the schedule below...
#336 - THOR: 2011 (AKA: I'm Blond, Hot, And Buff - Worship Me... I SAID WORSHIP ME!!!!)
#337 - SUPERMAN: 1978 (AKA: Clark Kent Makes Glasses Sexy For Everyone)
#339 - BATMAN: 1989 (AKA: So... If He Has No Real Superpowers And Just A Bunch Of Gadgets, What The Fuck Is Up With That Bat Outfit?)
#340 - CONDORMAN: 1981 (AKA: Not To Be Confused With CONDOM MAN, Which Is The Movie I'm Writing)
#341 - DAREDEVIL: 2003 (AKA: Ben Affleck In A Leather Body Suit - Sign. Me. Up)
#342 - ELEKTRA: 2005 (AKA: No, This Isn't A Spin-Off From THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH - Although, I Would Welcome That)
#343 - SPIDERMAN: 2002 (AKA: Tobey Maguire, Hottest Nerd Ever)
With the posting of THE HUNTED, we are right on track to segue into our Superhero Flicks for next week in honor of THOR's release last weekend. Please note that because of my continuing dive training for my Divemaster certification most evenings this coming week, the first of those reviews won't post until Thursday or so. Another Sounders game this coming weekend (vs. Kansas City) will also cause a delay. Rest assured, though, that all the Superhero Flicks will post by next Sunday. Pinky swear!
At any rate, for now, please find the schedule below...
#336 - THOR: 2011 (AKA: I'm Blond, Hot, And Buff - Worship Me... I SAID WORSHIP ME!!!!)
#337 - SUPERMAN: 1978 (AKA: Clark Kent Makes Glasses Sexy For Everyone)
#339 - BATMAN: 1989 (AKA: So... If He Has No Real Superpowers And Just A Bunch Of Gadgets, What The Fuck Is Up With That Bat Outfit?)
#340 - CONDORMAN: 1981 (AKA: Not To Be Confused With CONDOM MAN, Which Is The Movie I'm Writing)
#341 - DAREDEVIL: 2003 (AKA: Ben Affleck In A Leather Body Suit - Sign. Me. Up)
#342 - ELEKTRA: 2005 (AKA: No, This Isn't A Spin-Off From THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH - Although, I Would Welcome That)
#343 - SPIDERMAN: 2002 (AKA: Tobey Maguire, Hottest Nerd Ever)
# 335 - THE HUNTED (2003)
THE HUNTED (2003 - ACTION / THRILLER / PORTLAND FLICK) ***½ out of *****
(Not the most ideal military recruitment flick, wouldn‘t you agree?)
CAST: Tommy Lee Jones, Benicio Del Toro, Connie Nielsen, Leslie Stefansen.
DIRECTOR: William Friedkin
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one decidedly woodsy version of Jason Bourne (sans amnesia) straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Ex-military black ops trainer L.T. Bonham (Tommy Lee Jones) has got a big problem: his top student, Aaron Hallam (Benicio Del Toro), has gone all Jason Bourne (without the memory loss) and is slicing and dicing hunters left and right in the Northwest woods. Sssssmokin’ hot Portland FBI agent Abby Durrell (Connie Nielsen) feels the least Bonham can fucking do is help her catch the nutjob he created and put a stop to the murders. Good luck with that, L.T. and Abby. Have you seen the knife that Aaron has? I’ll leave the heroics up to you.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: L.T., who is to the wilderness what James Bond is to glamorous cities. In short: a bad-ass mo-fo. Abby’s no slouch in the cojones department, either, and gets to wave a gun like she means it.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Connie Nielsen. Since when did FBI agents start looking like statuesque supermodels?
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Aaron pulling a Cuisinart move on a couple of hunters at the beginning, proving that all the high-tech deer hunting rifles in the world is no match against someone with a knife and the training to use it.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: L.T. helping a wolf with its legs stuck in sharp wire. I kept waiting for that fucker to take a bite out of our hero. Alas, I was disappointed…
HOTTEST SCENE: This ain’t that kind of movie. Benicio Del Toro is like a Hispanic Brad Pitt, but he spends most of this movie looking like he wants to cut something up, and if there ever was a #1 boner-eradicator, it’s that. So we’re left with reliable hottie Connie Nielsen, who could be walking around with crack-whore stringy hair and a burlap sack for a dress, and you’d still want to spank her ass and call her a dirty bitch.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will L.T. and Abby catch up with Aaron before he kills more hunters? What is Aaron’s beef with hunters, anyway? What happens when the military swoops in to claim jurisdiction for Aaron? Are they afraid he might spill the beans about some top secret operations? Don’t they realize that Aaron’s been ten steps ahead of them this whole time? Like I said, this is basically Jason Bourne - but with more body odor.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE HUNTED”: If you like lean, mean, gritty thrillers that move like a bullet and offer solid entertainment.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE HUNTED”: If you get queasy at the sight of guys going at each other with knives and sharp stakes.
FINAL ANALYSIS: THE HUNTED is a solid thriller with good performances from everyone concerned. It introduces intriguing layers of moral ambiguity, mostly to do with L.T.’s recognition of the fact that he not only helped create the monster that is Aaron Hallam, but turned his back on him when the going started to get tough. This is an interesting backstory to give a lead character, as it provides a strong motivation to make things right. And L.T. tries to do this by helping Abby nab Aaron before it’s too late.
Benicio Del Toro turns Aaron Hallam into the right blend of steely intensity, scary precision, and unexpected fragility. If there was an actor that could do this kind of role justice, it’s Del Toro. Connie Nielsen graciously lets her two co-stars take center stage, but doesn’t shy away from making sure that Abby Durrell holds her own in each scene. I understand that earlier drafts of the script featured more of a focus on Abby and L.T.’s relationship than it did on Aaron and L.T.’s. Fortunately, this was corrected. The guilt that L.T. carries for not helping Aaron when he should’ve is the moral and emotional fulcrum that this movie pivots on. Keeping the focus off Aaron and L.T. would have compromised the whole movie. Abby’s role is still large, but it is appropriately second to the two male leads because that’s the way this story should be told. It has nothing to do with her being a woman.
Director William Friedkin brings a kinetic yet also somber vibe to the proceedings. He perfectly captures the rainy gloom of Portland and its surrounding forest, playing up its brooding grays, greens, and browns. Friedkin’s experience in creating tension (THE FRENCH CONNECTION, JADE, THE EXORCIST) is well-utilized here.
In the end, THE HUNTED is a sleek and no-nonsense thriller ride that just might make you think twice about taking up hunting. It’s also a great showcase for the talents of Tommy Lee Jones, Benicio Del Toro, and Connie Nielsen.
(Not the most ideal military recruitment flick, wouldn‘t you agree?)
CAST: Tommy Lee Jones, Benicio Del Toro, Connie Nielsen, Leslie Stefansen.
DIRECTOR: William Friedkin
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one decidedly woodsy version of Jason Bourne (sans amnesia) straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Ex-military black ops trainer L.T. Bonham (Tommy Lee Jones) has got a big problem: his top student, Aaron Hallam (Benicio Del Toro), has gone all Jason Bourne (without the memory loss) and is slicing and dicing hunters left and right in the Northwest woods. Sssssmokin’ hot Portland FBI agent Abby Durrell (Connie Nielsen) feels the least Bonham can fucking do is help her catch the nutjob he created and put a stop to the murders. Good luck with that, L.T. and Abby. Have you seen the knife that Aaron has? I’ll leave the heroics up to you.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: L.T., who is to the wilderness what James Bond is to glamorous cities. In short: a bad-ass mo-fo. Abby’s no slouch in the cojones department, either, and gets to wave a gun like she means it.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Connie Nielsen. Since when did FBI agents start looking like statuesque supermodels?
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Aaron pulling a Cuisinart move on a couple of hunters at the beginning, proving that all the high-tech deer hunting rifles in the world is no match against someone with a knife and the training to use it.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: L.T. helping a wolf with its legs stuck in sharp wire. I kept waiting for that fucker to take a bite out of our hero. Alas, I was disappointed…
HOTTEST SCENE: This ain’t that kind of movie. Benicio Del Toro is like a Hispanic Brad Pitt, but he spends most of this movie looking like he wants to cut something up, and if there ever was a #1 boner-eradicator, it’s that. So we’re left with reliable hottie Connie Nielsen, who could be walking around with crack-whore stringy hair and a burlap sack for a dress, and you’d still want to spank her ass and call her a dirty bitch.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will L.T. and Abby catch up with Aaron before he kills more hunters? What is Aaron’s beef with hunters, anyway? What happens when the military swoops in to claim jurisdiction for Aaron? Are they afraid he might spill the beans about some top secret operations? Don’t they realize that Aaron’s been ten steps ahead of them this whole time? Like I said, this is basically Jason Bourne - but with more body odor.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE HUNTED”: If you like lean, mean, gritty thrillers that move like a bullet and offer solid entertainment.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE HUNTED”: If you get queasy at the sight of guys going at each other with knives and sharp stakes.
FINAL ANALYSIS: THE HUNTED is a solid thriller with good performances from everyone concerned. It introduces intriguing layers of moral ambiguity, mostly to do with L.T.’s recognition of the fact that he not only helped create the monster that is Aaron Hallam, but turned his back on him when the going started to get tough. This is an interesting backstory to give a lead character, as it provides a strong motivation to make things right. And L.T. tries to do this by helping Abby nab Aaron before it’s too late.
Benicio Del Toro turns Aaron Hallam into the right blend of steely intensity, scary precision, and unexpected fragility. If there was an actor that could do this kind of role justice, it’s Del Toro. Connie Nielsen graciously lets her two co-stars take center stage, but doesn’t shy away from making sure that Abby Durrell holds her own in each scene. I understand that earlier drafts of the script featured more of a focus on Abby and L.T.’s relationship than it did on Aaron and L.T.’s. Fortunately, this was corrected. The guilt that L.T. carries for not helping Aaron when he should’ve is the moral and emotional fulcrum that this movie pivots on. Keeping the focus off Aaron and L.T. would have compromised the whole movie. Abby’s role is still large, but it is appropriately second to the two male leads because that’s the way this story should be told. It has nothing to do with her being a woman.
Director William Friedkin brings a kinetic yet also somber vibe to the proceedings. He perfectly captures the rainy gloom of Portland and its surrounding forest, playing up its brooding grays, greens, and browns. Friedkin’s experience in creating tension (THE FRENCH CONNECTION, JADE, THE EXORCIST) is well-utilized here.
In the end, THE HUNTED is a sleek and no-nonsense thriller ride that just might make you think twice about taking up hunting. It’s also a great showcase for the talents of Tommy Lee Jones, Benicio Del Toro, and Connie Nielsen.
# 334 - ELIZABETHTOWN (2005)
ELIZABETHTOWN (2005 - ROMANCE / COMEDY / PORTLAND FLICK) ***½ out of *****
(That must have been one really ugly running shoe…..)
CAST: Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst, Susan Sarandon, Paul Schneider, Judy Greer, Bruce McGill, Tim Devitt, Alec Baldwin.
DIRECTOR: Cameron Crowe
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one hauntingly lovely road trip - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: In what has got to be one of the most colossal cluster-fucks in the history of business, Portland shoe designer Drew Baylor’s hot-concept sneaker, which was expected to set the world on fire, tanks spectacularly instead. This leads to expected losses of, oh, just around $972 million dollars. Rounded off, that’s about, oh, a billion dollars. Not exactly just a matter of cutting the coffee fund, huh? Not surprisingly, Drew gets canned by his bizarro boss (Alec Baldwin). Then, just because his day wasn’t shitty enough, he finds out his Dad (Tim Devitt) passed away before they could reconcile. This forces Drew to go back home to Elizabethtown, Kentucky where he must confront the following: (1) southern-fried chicken, (2) southern-fried okra, and (3) southern-fried relatives. Along the way, he meets a hot and quirky stewardess named Claire (Kirsten Dunst) who basically becomes his guardian angel.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Claire. The woman knows exactly when Drew is hurtin’ and knows exactly what to do about it.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Kirsten Dunst is pretty foxy as Claire, but Orlando Bloom is a little too pretty for my tastes. Hot Dude Award then goes to the rough-edged Paul Schneider as Drew’s bad boy cousin Jessie, who looks like the World’s Hottest Construction Worker.
MOST INTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: Claire creating an elaborate (and zany) road map for Drew to use while driving cross-country back to Portland.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: Claire telling the stricken Drew: “We are intrepid. We carry on.” In other words: this, too, will pass. Sage words, sister. Way to look out for your man…
HOTTEST SCENE: Jessie doing Freebird at the memorial party. He can give me a concert any day.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Drew recover from the double-whammy of his shoe imploding and his dad dying? Will Claire throw him a lifeline? Or will Drew continue to resist her? Why doesn’t he just give in already? What lessons will Drew learn from coming home to Elizabethtown? What will he learn from the memory of his Pops? Will he turn it all around and embrace life? What is waiting for him back in Portland? I mean, besides more goddamn rain, that is.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “ELIZABETHTOWN”: If you like quirky, unpredictable characters and stories about family, friendship, and unexpected connections. And if you like Cameron Crowe, Orlando Bloom, and Kirsten Dunst.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “ELIZABETHTOWN”: If you’re not a fan of “offbeat”. And if you’re not a fan of the director or his two leads…
FINAL ANALYSIS: ELIZABETHTOWN was a movie that grew on me after several viewings. It wasn’t the movie itself that I had to get used to. After all, the central premise - a person at the end of his rope finds redemption and courage through the kindness and compassion of a stranger who becomes much more to him - is a timeless one. Writer/director Cameron Crowe does a good job of exploring this angle, and the central relationship between Drew and Claire. My problem with ELIZABETHTOWN then (and now) is Orlando Bloom in the lead role.
Ashton Kutcher reportedly had been cast as Drew but was replaced not long after filming began. I’m not going to speculate about the reason, but in my opinion, Bloom wasn’t necessarily the best substitute. While he is a talented actor, he just isn’t convincing as an American. He falls prey to what I call the “Brit-Trying-To-Pass-As-A-Yank” accent. Often times, when an English actor will try to affect an American accent, he/she often sounds stilted. The English accent is gone, but it is replaced by something that definitely doesn’t sound American. I know it when I hear it, and I hear it in ELIZABETHTOWN whenever Drew speaks. Because of this impediment, it took me awhile to accept the character.
Fortunately, Bloom makes up for his lack of a convincing American manner by infusing the role with the required melancholy and sadness that Kutcher may not have been able to manage. Kirsten Dunst's vibrant and unpredictable performance as Claire is further compensation. There are moments when Claire seems too quirky and clever, but Dunst always manages to keep us interested and invested in her. Claire is one of those one-of-a-kind characters whom people meet only briefly - but remember forever. What’s great about this character, though, is that her zaniness is matched by her compassion and sensitivity - and these qualities are what keeps Drew afloat.
Another major asset of ELIZABETHTOWN is the lovely and enchanting last half-hour or so, where Drew drives back to Portland, with his father’s ashes in the passenger seat, and follows the colorful and elaborate map that Claire created for him. This map takes him on an unexpected detours and attractions as he makes his way across the country, ultimately leading him to a surprise discovery… which I will leave up to you folks to discover.
Let me just say that if Bloom had managed to affect a more convincing American accent, this film would’ve been stronger - and would’ve rated **** easily. Even with this flaw, though, it is a solidly good flick that reminds us that kindness and compassion from anyone is something to never take for granted…
(That must have been one really ugly running shoe…..)
CAST: Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst, Susan Sarandon, Paul Schneider, Judy Greer, Bruce McGill, Tim Devitt, Alec Baldwin.
DIRECTOR: Cameron Crowe
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one hauntingly lovely road trip - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: In what has got to be one of the most colossal cluster-fucks in the history of business, Portland shoe designer Drew Baylor’s hot-concept sneaker, which was expected to set the world on fire, tanks spectacularly instead. This leads to expected losses of, oh, just around $972 million dollars. Rounded off, that’s about, oh, a billion dollars. Not exactly just a matter of cutting the coffee fund, huh? Not surprisingly, Drew gets canned by his bizarro boss (Alec Baldwin). Then, just because his day wasn’t shitty enough, he finds out his Dad (Tim Devitt) passed away before they could reconcile. This forces Drew to go back home to Elizabethtown, Kentucky where he must confront the following: (1) southern-fried chicken, (2) southern-fried okra, and (3) southern-fried relatives. Along the way, he meets a hot and quirky stewardess named Claire (Kirsten Dunst) who basically becomes his guardian angel.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Claire. The woman knows exactly when Drew is hurtin’ and knows exactly what to do about it.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Kirsten Dunst is pretty foxy as Claire, but Orlando Bloom is a little too pretty for my tastes. Hot Dude Award then goes to the rough-edged Paul Schneider as Drew’s bad boy cousin Jessie, who looks like the World’s Hottest Construction Worker.
MOST INTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: Claire creating an elaborate (and zany) road map for Drew to use while driving cross-country back to Portland.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: Claire telling the stricken Drew: “We are intrepid. We carry on.” In other words: this, too, will pass. Sage words, sister. Way to look out for your man…
HOTTEST SCENE: Jessie doing Freebird at the memorial party. He can give me a concert any day.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Drew recover from the double-whammy of his shoe imploding and his dad dying? Will Claire throw him a lifeline? Or will Drew continue to resist her? Why doesn’t he just give in already? What lessons will Drew learn from coming home to Elizabethtown? What will he learn from the memory of his Pops? Will he turn it all around and embrace life? What is waiting for him back in Portland? I mean, besides more goddamn rain, that is.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “ELIZABETHTOWN”: If you like quirky, unpredictable characters and stories about family, friendship, and unexpected connections. And if you like Cameron Crowe, Orlando Bloom, and Kirsten Dunst.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “ELIZABETHTOWN”: If you’re not a fan of “offbeat”. And if you’re not a fan of the director or his two leads…
FINAL ANALYSIS: ELIZABETHTOWN was a movie that grew on me after several viewings. It wasn’t the movie itself that I had to get used to. After all, the central premise - a person at the end of his rope finds redemption and courage through the kindness and compassion of a stranger who becomes much more to him - is a timeless one. Writer/director Cameron Crowe does a good job of exploring this angle, and the central relationship between Drew and Claire. My problem with ELIZABETHTOWN then (and now) is Orlando Bloom in the lead role.
Ashton Kutcher reportedly had been cast as Drew but was replaced not long after filming began. I’m not going to speculate about the reason, but in my opinion, Bloom wasn’t necessarily the best substitute. While he is a talented actor, he just isn’t convincing as an American. He falls prey to what I call the “Brit-Trying-To-Pass-As-A-Yank” accent. Often times, when an English actor will try to affect an American accent, he/she often sounds stilted. The English accent is gone, but it is replaced by something that definitely doesn’t sound American. I know it when I hear it, and I hear it in ELIZABETHTOWN whenever Drew speaks. Because of this impediment, it took me awhile to accept the character.
Fortunately, Bloom makes up for his lack of a convincing American manner by infusing the role with the required melancholy and sadness that Kutcher may not have been able to manage. Kirsten Dunst's vibrant and unpredictable performance as Claire is further compensation. There are moments when Claire seems too quirky and clever, but Dunst always manages to keep us interested and invested in her. Claire is one of those one-of-a-kind characters whom people meet only briefly - but remember forever. What’s great about this character, though, is that her zaniness is matched by her compassion and sensitivity - and these qualities are what keeps Drew afloat.
Another major asset of ELIZABETHTOWN is the lovely and enchanting last half-hour or so, where Drew drives back to Portland, with his father’s ashes in the passenger seat, and follows the colorful and elaborate map that Claire created for him. This map takes him on an unexpected detours and attractions as he makes his way across the country, ultimately leading him to a surprise discovery… which I will leave up to you folks to discover.
Let me just say that if Bloom had managed to affect a more convincing American accent, this film would’ve been stronger - and would’ve rated **** easily. Even with this flaw, though, it is a solidly good flick that reminds us that kindness and compassion from anyone is something to never take for granted…
REVIEW UPDATE: The Last Two Seattle Vs. Portland Flicks...
Hi, folks...
As you can see, we've had to switch a couple of the titles for our Seattle Vs. Portland Flicks. And in light of last night's intense Sounders vs. Timbers duel, what more fittingly-titled film should we have but... BATTLE IN SEATTLE.
BATTLE IN SEATTLE just posted, to be followed by another substitute ELIZABETHTOWN and already scheduled THE HUNTED. Please expect these last two reviews to post by tonight. Then we're on to our next week's theme which, in case the slide show this morning wasn't enough to tip you off, is Superhero Flicks!
Have a great Sunday, folks...
As you can see, we've had to switch a couple of the titles for our Seattle Vs. Portland Flicks. And in light of last night's intense Sounders vs. Timbers duel, what more fittingly-titled film should we have but... BATTLE IN SEATTLE.
BATTLE IN SEATTLE just posted, to be followed by another substitute ELIZABETHTOWN and already scheduled THE HUNTED. Please expect these last two reviews to post by tonight. Then we're on to our next week's theme which, in case the slide show this morning wasn't enough to tip you off, is Superhero Flicks!
Have a great Sunday, folks...
# 333 - BATTLE IN SEATTLE (2007)
BATTLE IN SEATTLE (2007 - DRAMA / SEATTLE FLICK)***1/2 out of *****
(Pretty strong argument for never joining a protest rally - ever…..)
CAST: Ray Liotta, Woody Harrelson, Charlize Theron, Martin Henderson, Connie Nielsen, Michelle Rodriguez, Andre Benjamin.
DIRECTOR: Stuart Townsend
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one rather ugly day in the history of the Rainy City - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: In 1999, the World Trade Organization held a conference in downtown Seattle. Considering many were upset with the WTO and claimed that it was looking out more for the interests of industrial nations - and not the basic rights and interests of poor, third-world countries - it wasn’t too surprising that shitloads of protestors turned out to make their voices heard. The Seattle authorities basically unleashed the whoop-ass on them, and things got ugly very fast. This film attempts to recreate what happened (with some stuff jazzed up, apparently), and shows how the disturbing events that day affected different people. To include: some cops (Woody Harrelson, Channing Tatum), the mayor (Ray Liotta), the protestors (Martin Henderson, Michelle Rodriguez, Jennifer Carpenter), a smokin’ hot journalist (Connie Nielsen), and a smokin’ hot innocent bystander (Charlize Theron).
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Ostensibly, the cops. But don’t bet on it, since they seem to inflict just as much chaos as they resolve.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: New Zealand hottie Martin Henderson (AKA Baby Russell Crowe) as one of the main protestors. Connie Nielsen as the conflicted reporter who finally takes a stand. And Charlize Theron as the poor innocent cop’s wife who gets horribly caught in the crossfire.
MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Ella (Charlize Theron), getting attacked without provocation by one of the dipshit cops. That was just fucked-up.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: The protestors dangling by a cable from a very high crane, trying to put up an elaborate protest banner. Now that’s dedication. My take on that kind of dedication? Fuck. That.
HOTTEST SCENE: Martin Henderson with his shirt off. Connie Nielsen and Charlize Theron even with their clothes on.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Who will survive this horrible day in Seattle‘s history? And will the survivors be changed? What about the city? What about the WTO? Will they change their agenda? Or will it be business as usual? Why does it rain so much in this fucking city?
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “BATTLE IN SEATTLE”: If you like gritty, topical flicks based on gritty, topical events. And if you like ensemble pieces filled with talented and beautiful actors.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “BATTLE IN SEATTLE”: If you prefer your flicks to be 100% fiction. If you hate Seattle and ensemble pieces filled with talented and beautiful actors, and prefer star-driven fare instead.
FINAL ANALYSIS: I was still living in Germany when the WTO riots took place in Seattle in 1999. I remember hearing about it in the news, but didn’t know many details. I’m not certain if BATTLE IN SEATTLE is an accurate depiction of what happened, since the prologue tells us that it us “based on true events” but some parts have been fictionalized. What the film does manage to do is present the story in documentary-like starkness that makes me suspect that overall tone of what happened those few days was successfully captured by Stuart Townsend and his talented cast.
Of the eclectic ensemble cast, there is hardly a false note. The most affecting are Martin Henderson and Michelle Rodriguez as protesters who meet and fall in love just as hell is breaking out all around them. Connie Nielsen is also strong as the glamorous journalist whose first-hand exposure to the mistreatment of the protestors by the authorities changes her - and pushes her to make a choice for them. Woody Harrelson and Charlize Theron are equally compelling as a riot cop and his innocent wife who are brutally changed by the events. Theron, in particular, continues to prove what an amazingly empathetic actress she is.
In the end, whether or not BATTLE IN SEATTLE is true to the events that occurred in 1999 remains to be seen. But taken as movie, it is a gripping and shocking experience that reminds us how easy it is for any situation to turn ugly.
(Pretty strong argument for never joining a protest rally - ever…..)
CAST: Ray Liotta, Woody Harrelson, Charlize Theron, Martin Henderson, Connie Nielsen, Michelle Rodriguez, Andre Benjamin.
DIRECTOR: Stuart Townsend
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one rather ugly day in the history of the Rainy City - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: In 1999, the World Trade Organization held a conference in downtown Seattle. Considering many were upset with the WTO and claimed that it was looking out more for the interests of industrial nations - and not the basic rights and interests of poor, third-world countries - it wasn’t too surprising that shitloads of protestors turned out to make their voices heard. The Seattle authorities basically unleashed the whoop-ass on them, and things got ugly very fast. This film attempts to recreate what happened (with some stuff jazzed up, apparently), and shows how the disturbing events that day affected different people. To include: some cops (Woody Harrelson, Channing Tatum), the mayor (Ray Liotta), the protestors (Martin Henderson, Michelle Rodriguez, Jennifer Carpenter), a smokin’ hot journalist (Connie Nielsen), and a smokin’ hot innocent bystander (Charlize Theron).
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Ostensibly, the cops. But don’t bet on it, since they seem to inflict just as much chaos as they resolve.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: New Zealand hottie Martin Henderson (AKA Baby Russell Crowe) as one of the main protestors. Connie Nielsen as the conflicted reporter who finally takes a stand. And Charlize Theron as the poor innocent cop’s wife who gets horribly caught in the crossfire.
MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Ella (Charlize Theron), getting attacked without provocation by one of the dipshit cops. That was just fucked-up.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: The protestors dangling by a cable from a very high crane, trying to put up an elaborate protest banner. Now that’s dedication. My take on that kind of dedication? Fuck. That.
HOTTEST SCENE: Martin Henderson with his shirt off. Connie Nielsen and Charlize Theron even with their clothes on.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Who will survive this horrible day in Seattle‘s history? And will the survivors be changed? What about the city? What about the WTO? Will they change their agenda? Or will it be business as usual? Why does it rain so much in this fucking city?
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “BATTLE IN SEATTLE”: If you like gritty, topical flicks based on gritty, topical events. And if you like ensemble pieces filled with talented and beautiful actors.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “BATTLE IN SEATTLE”: If you prefer your flicks to be 100% fiction. If you hate Seattle and ensemble pieces filled with talented and beautiful actors, and prefer star-driven fare instead.
FINAL ANALYSIS: I was still living in Germany when the WTO riots took place in Seattle in 1999. I remember hearing about it in the news, but didn’t know many details. I’m not certain if BATTLE IN SEATTLE is an accurate depiction of what happened, since the prologue tells us that it us “based on true events” but some parts have been fictionalized. What the film does manage to do is present the story in documentary-like starkness that makes me suspect that overall tone of what happened those few days was successfully captured by Stuart Townsend and his talented cast.
Of the eclectic ensemble cast, there is hardly a false note. The most affecting are Martin Henderson and Michelle Rodriguez as protesters who meet and fall in love just as hell is breaking out all around them. Connie Nielsen is also strong as the glamorous journalist whose first-hand exposure to the mistreatment of the protestors by the authorities changes her - and pushes her to make a choice for them. Woody Harrelson and Charlize Theron are equally compelling as a riot cop and his innocent wife who are brutally changed by the events. Theron, in particular, continues to prove what an amazingly empathetic actress she is.
In the end, whether or not BATTLE IN SEATTLE is true to the events that occurred in 1999 remains to be seen. But taken as movie, it is a gripping and shocking experience that reminds us how easy it is for any situation to turn ugly.
SNEAK PEEK: Next Week's Reviews...
Hello, folks. Hope everyone's doing fine this Sunday morning. Would've been better if the Sounders would've trounced the Timbers the way they did the Toronto FC a few weeks ago, but I guess that was always too much to hope for. A draw is better than a loss. So let's be happy for the way things are.
At any rate, as promised, please find below the sneak peek for next week's reviews. Let's just say that Clark Kent's cover is about to get blown... But then I always knew he's really a superhero...
Please expect the last three Seattle Vs. Portland flicks to post before midnight tonight. I have a whole day of fucking-around to do. I hope you do, too. Happiness is about just fucking-around. Literally and figuratively...
Laterz,
S.
At any rate, as promised, please find below the sneak peek for next week's reviews. Let's just say that Clark Kent's cover is about to get blown... But then I always knew he's really a superhero...
Please expect the last three Seattle Vs. Portland flicks to post before midnight tonight. I have a whole day of fucking-around to do. I hope you do, too. Happiness is about just fucking-around. Literally and figuratively...
Laterz,
S.
# 332 - SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE (1993)
SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE (1993 - ROMANCE / COMEDY / SEATTLE FLICK) ** out of *****
(Pretty strong argument for never watching another romantic comedy ever again…..)
CAST: Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Bill Pullman, Rosie O’Donnell, Victor Garber, Ross Malinger, Carey Lowell, Rita Wilson, Carl Reiner.
DIRECTOR: Nora Ephron
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one rather misguided heroine - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Baltimore dingbat Annie Reed (Meg Ryan) overhears Seattle sap Sam Baldwin (Tom Hanks) pining away for his dead wife Maggie (Carey Lowell) on the radio one night (courtesy of Sam’s diabolical young son Jonah - don’t ask). Despite the fact that she’s engaged to marry a perfectly sweet guy named Walter (Bill Pullman), Annie becomes convinced that Sam is her soulmate - even though she’s never met the fucker. Soon ensues a cringe-worthy crusade for Annie to travel cross-country to meet up with Sam - and fulfill her destiny. Excuse me while I find a good place to vomit.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: These fuckers are all so romantically deluded, there‘s no saving them.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: None. Nada. Zip. Tom Hanks is about as asexual a guy as you can find, and Meg Ryan’s cutesy schtick becomes so fucking irritating that I kept hoping someone would wake up and realize what an idiot she’s playing and taze the living shit out of her.
MOST INTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: None. Lots of scenes hoping to be intentionally sweet. None that actually are. More like unintentionally nauseating.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: No luck here either. Lots of unintentionally hurl-inducing ones, though.
HOTTEST SCENE: None. Unless you count the sight of Meg Ryan staring off into space, dreaming about a guy she’s never met, hot. I didn’t. Not even close.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Annie track down Sam and meet him? Is he her soulmate? Or is she throwing away a perfectly good relationship with Walter just because she’s a fucking moron? Survey says… yes.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE”: If you like highly overrated and patently unrealistic romantic comedies that mistake sap and saccharine for a sense of genuine romance. And if for some reason, god help you, you actually adore Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE”: If you like your romantic comedies to resemble something that might actually have a chance of occurring in real life. And if Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan leave you with a limp one.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Not going to waste too much energy into SLEEPLES IN SEATTLE, since I detest it about as much as I did when I first saw it back in 1993. I just have an issue with romantic comedies that perpetuate the idea that love is easy and that once you meet “The Perfect Somebody”, everything will be okay. SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE does nothing to address just how relationships really work, instead delivering its candy-assed sentiments in a astonishingly false package that somehow won over audiences and turned this film into a box-office hit.
The movie’s central flaw is how unreasonable and unsympathetic its heroine is. Here’s a woman who has everything any woman could want: a good job, good friends, and a loving fiancee. Yet, on a whim, she throws it all away and the movie never gives us a convincing reason why. This is the same issue that plagued ONLY YOU with Marisa Tomei. At least that film had the lovely Italian scenery to recommend it. SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE has, well, Seattle which, while a nice place, is no Italy. If you can’t get onboard with a movie’s main character, why should you stay for the ride? Meg Ryan’s cute-as-a-button antics only serve to further turn the character into a cartoon. Tom Hanks fares a little better as the heartbroken Sam, but in the end he is such a vanilla blandie that you can’t understand why Annie would chuck her future with Walter for this snoozer.
In the end, the less said about SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE, the better. The fact that this flick became such a blockbuster has got to be the biggest case of mass hypnosis in movie-going history.
(Pretty strong argument for never watching another romantic comedy ever again…..)
CAST: Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Bill Pullman, Rosie O’Donnell, Victor Garber, Ross Malinger, Carey Lowell, Rita Wilson, Carl Reiner.
DIRECTOR: Nora Ephron
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one rather misguided heroine - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Baltimore dingbat Annie Reed (Meg Ryan) overhears Seattle sap Sam Baldwin (Tom Hanks) pining away for his dead wife Maggie (Carey Lowell) on the radio one night (courtesy of Sam’s diabolical young son Jonah - don’t ask). Despite the fact that she’s engaged to marry a perfectly sweet guy named Walter (Bill Pullman), Annie becomes convinced that Sam is her soulmate - even though she’s never met the fucker. Soon ensues a cringe-worthy crusade for Annie to travel cross-country to meet up with Sam - and fulfill her destiny. Excuse me while I find a good place to vomit.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: These fuckers are all so romantically deluded, there‘s no saving them.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: None. Nada. Zip. Tom Hanks is about as asexual a guy as you can find, and Meg Ryan’s cutesy schtick becomes so fucking irritating that I kept hoping someone would wake up and realize what an idiot she’s playing and taze the living shit out of her.
MOST INTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: None. Lots of scenes hoping to be intentionally sweet. None that actually are. More like unintentionally nauseating.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: No luck here either. Lots of unintentionally hurl-inducing ones, though.
HOTTEST SCENE: None. Unless you count the sight of Meg Ryan staring off into space, dreaming about a guy she’s never met, hot. I didn’t. Not even close.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Annie track down Sam and meet him? Is he her soulmate? Or is she throwing away a perfectly good relationship with Walter just because she’s a fucking moron? Survey says… yes.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE”: If you like highly overrated and patently unrealistic romantic comedies that mistake sap and saccharine for a sense of genuine romance. And if for some reason, god help you, you actually adore Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE”: If you like your romantic comedies to resemble something that might actually have a chance of occurring in real life. And if Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan leave you with a limp one.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Not going to waste too much energy into SLEEPLES IN SEATTLE, since I detest it about as much as I did when I first saw it back in 1993. I just have an issue with romantic comedies that perpetuate the idea that love is easy and that once you meet “The Perfect Somebody”, everything will be okay. SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE does nothing to address just how relationships really work, instead delivering its candy-assed sentiments in a astonishingly false package that somehow won over audiences and turned this film into a box-office hit.
The movie’s central flaw is how unreasonable and unsympathetic its heroine is. Here’s a woman who has everything any woman could want: a good job, good friends, and a loving fiancee. Yet, on a whim, she throws it all away and the movie never gives us a convincing reason why. This is the same issue that plagued ONLY YOU with Marisa Tomei. At least that film had the lovely Italian scenery to recommend it. SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE has, well, Seattle which, while a nice place, is no Italy. If you can’t get onboard with a movie’s main character, why should you stay for the ride? Meg Ryan’s cute-as-a-button antics only serve to further turn the character into a cartoon. Tom Hanks fares a little better as the heartbroken Sam, but in the end he is such a vanilla blandie that you can’t understand why Annie would chuck her future with Walter for this snoozer.
In the end, the less said about SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE, the better. The fact that this flick became such a blockbuster has got to be the biggest case of mass hypnosis in movie-going history.
# 331 - SAY ANYTHING (1989)
SAY ANYTHING (1989 - ROMANCE / SEATTLE FLICK) **** out of *****
(Where have all the Lloyd Doblers gone?)
CAST: John Cusack, Ione Skye, John Mahoney, Lilli Taylor, Loren Dean.
DIRECTOR: Cameron Crowe.
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one very charming (and underestimated)slacker straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: It’s the summer after high school graduation, and sweet Seattle-ite underachiever Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) decides to pursue a relationship with hot, ambitious brain Diane Court (Ione Skye) before they part ways forever as she moves to England to pursue an education at Oxford University. Unfortunately, just as with any great love story, it ain’t going to be that easy. First of all, Lloyd’s friends think he’s got a Haagen Daaz bar’s chance in hell of making it work. Second of all, Diane’s over-protective father (John Mahoney) thinks Lloyd is nothing but a slacker. Third of all, Lloyd’s kind of unsure of himself. Let’s just say there have been easier hook-ups in the long History of Romance…
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Lloyd. Never underestimate the power of a slacker who finally decides to get his act together.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Well, maybe not fire up a woody, exactly, but enough to make you consider tying him up to a bed and giving him a “Very Happy Ending” massage: John Cusack.
MOST INTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: The Lloydster serenading Diane with a boombox (can you tell this was made in the 80s) blaring Peter Gabriel’s awesome “In Your Eyes”. See video at end of review.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: The Lloydster meeting Diane’s dad for the first time - and fucking the whole thing up royally.
HOTTEST SCENE: Nothing is hotter than a man serenading you with a boombox blaring an awesome Peter Gabriel song. Somehow, using an Ipod and mini-speakers is just not the same thing. You know who you are. The next time you serenade me, jackass, bring the right equipment.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Can Lloyd and Diane’s romance get kickstarted? And if it does, will it survive the end of summer? Why does Diane’s dad object to Lloyd so much? And what issues of his own is Pops dealing with? Will Diane have to choose between helping family - and loving Lloyd? Will Lloyd accompany Diane to Oxford? Or are they going to have to settle for a long-distance relationship? If so, good luck with that, kids…
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SAY ANYTHING”: If you like youth romances that eschew the usual “horny teens” formula and creates its own world and rules. And, if you like John Cusack, who has never been more charming onscreen.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SAY ANYTHING”: If you like the “horny teens“ template and do not forgive any deviations from it. And if you don’t like John Cusack - which some people don’t.
FINAL ANALYSIS: I have to admit that the first time I watched SAY ANYTHING, I felt a little disappointed. Then I realized it was because I had been expecting it to conform to the rules and beats of the Teen Comedy Romance Genre, which dictate that themes don’t run any deeper than your average puddle. What writer/director Cameron Crowe, though, is treat the characters - young and old - with respect and sensitivity. The result is a film that transcends the confines the Teen Comedy Romance Genre - to become something bigger and more profound. When I re-watched SAY ANYTHING with this frame of mind, everything fell into place - and just as Diane can’t help falling for the quirky Lloyd, so could I not help falling for this movie.
This “adult” approach is perfectly appropriate since we have here a romance that blooms between two teens during the summer after graduation - that last chance for youthful abandon before “growing up”. In SAY ANYTHING, it’s the love between Lloyd and Diane that matures them, courtesy of the obstacles and complications they must surmount to be together. The result is a love story of uncommon sensitivity - especially from what is essentially packaged as a teen film. Much like John Hughes’s earlier oeuvre, SAY ANYTHING is filled with deeper undercurrents about family, friendship, romance, sacrifice, and the different kinds of love that cross our paths everyday. In fact, you’d be forgiven for thinking SAY ANYTHING was the latest entry in John Hughes’ body of work. Crowe, however, makes this movie his own and doesn’t mimic Hughes style too much.
The “maturity” carries forward in the performances. John Cusack is perfectly cast as the one-of-a-kind Lloyd Dobler. Lloyd is clearly one of those charismatic non-conformists whom certain camps view as either a “slacker” or a “underachiever” - but is actually quite intelligent and talented. It’s these hidden qualities that his many “fans” see and adore him for. As the poster’s tagline reads: “To Know Lloyd Dobler Is To Love Him. Diane Court Is About To Get To Know Lloyd Dobler.” This is perfectly appropriate, because it’s the novelty of having the focused, pulled-together, formidably ambitious Diane fall for the seemingly-polar opposite Lloyd that gives SAY ANYTHING its power. Underneath their very different exteriors, though, they are soulmates.
John Mahoney, Lilli Taylor, and Joan Cusack (John’s sister), are all terrific in supporting roles. But, as with any great romance, the two main leads of John Cusack and Ione Skye own this film. You know a screen couple has won you over when you find yourself hoping they’re still together out there somewhere in some parallel universe where movie characters live on…
In closing, please find below a video of Peter Gabriel’s lovely “In Your Eyes,” which is the song that Lloyd uses to serenade Diane…
(Where have all the Lloyd Doblers gone?)
CAST: John Cusack, Ione Skye, John Mahoney, Lilli Taylor, Loren Dean.
DIRECTOR: Cameron Crowe.
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one very charming (and underestimated)slacker straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: It’s the summer after high school graduation, and sweet Seattle-ite underachiever Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) decides to pursue a relationship with hot, ambitious brain Diane Court (Ione Skye) before they part ways forever as she moves to England to pursue an education at Oxford University. Unfortunately, just as with any great love story, it ain’t going to be that easy. First of all, Lloyd’s friends think he’s got a Haagen Daaz bar’s chance in hell of making it work. Second of all, Diane’s over-protective father (John Mahoney) thinks Lloyd is nothing but a slacker. Third of all, Lloyd’s kind of unsure of himself. Let’s just say there have been easier hook-ups in the long History of Romance…
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Lloyd. Never underestimate the power of a slacker who finally decides to get his act together.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Well, maybe not fire up a woody, exactly, but enough to make you consider tying him up to a bed and giving him a “Very Happy Ending” massage: John Cusack.
MOST INTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: The Lloydster serenading Diane with a boombox (can you tell this was made in the 80s) blaring Peter Gabriel’s awesome “In Your Eyes”. See video at end of review.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: The Lloydster meeting Diane’s dad for the first time - and fucking the whole thing up royally.
HOTTEST SCENE: Nothing is hotter than a man serenading you with a boombox blaring an awesome Peter Gabriel song. Somehow, using an Ipod and mini-speakers is just not the same thing. You know who you are. The next time you serenade me, jackass, bring the right equipment.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Can Lloyd and Diane’s romance get kickstarted? And if it does, will it survive the end of summer? Why does Diane’s dad object to Lloyd so much? And what issues of his own is Pops dealing with? Will Diane have to choose between helping family - and loving Lloyd? Will Lloyd accompany Diane to Oxford? Or are they going to have to settle for a long-distance relationship? If so, good luck with that, kids…
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SAY ANYTHING”: If you like youth romances that eschew the usual “horny teens” formula and creates its own world and rules. And, if you like John Cusack, who has never been more charming onscreen.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SAY ANYTHING”: If you like the “horny teens“ template and do not forgive any deviations from it. And if you don’t like John Cusack - which some people don’t.
FINAL ANALYSIS: I have to admit that the first time I watched SAY ANYTHING, I felt a little disappointed. Then I realized it was because I had been expecting it to conform to the rules and beats of the Teen Comedy Romance Genre, which dictate that themes don’t run any deeper than your average puddle. What writer/director Cameron Crowe, though, is treat the characters - young and old - with respect and sensitivity. The result is a film that transcends the confines the Teen Comedy Romance Genre - to become something bigger and more profound. When I re-watched SAY ANYTHING with this frame of mind, everything fell into place - and just as Diane can’t help falling for the quirky Lloyd, so could I not help falling for this movie.
This “adult” approach is perfectly appropriate since we have here a romance that blooms between two teens during the summer after graduation - that last chance for youthful abandon before “growing up”. In SAY ANYTHING, it’s the love between Lloyd and Diane that matures them, courtesy of the obstacles and complications they must surmount to be together. The result is a love story of uncommon sensitivity - especially from what is essentially packaged as a teen film. Much like John Hughes’s earlier oeuvre, SAY ANYTHING is filled with deeper undercurrents about family, friendship, romance, sacrifice, and the different kinds of love that cross our paths everyday. In fact, you’d be forgiven for thinking SAY ANYTHING was the latest entry in John Hughes’ body of work. Crowe, however, makes this movie his own and doesn’t mimic Hughes style too much.
The “maturity” carries forward in the performances. John Cusack is perfectly cast as the one-of-a-kind Lloyd Dobler. Lloyd is clearly one of those charismatic non-conformists whom certain camps view as either a “slacker” or a “underachiever” - but is actually quite intelligent and talented. It’s these hidden qualities that his many “fans” see and adore him for. As the poster’s tagline reads: “To Know Lloyd Dobler Is To Love Him. Diane Court Is About To Get To Know Lloyd Dobler.” This is perfectly appropriate, because it’s the novelty of having the focused, pulled-together, formidably ambitious Diane fall for the seemingly-polar opposite Lloyd that gives SAY ANYTHING its power. Underneath their very different exteriors, though, they are soulmates.
John Mahoney, Lilli Taylor, and Joan Cusack (John’s sister), are all terrific in supporting roles. But, as with any great romance, the two main leads of John Cusack and Ione Skye own this film. You know a screen couple has won you over when you find yourself hoping they’re still together out there somewhere in some parallel universe where movie characters live on…
In closing, please find below a video of Peter Gabriel’s lovely “In Your Eyes,” which is the song that Lloyd uses to serenade Diane…
REVIEW UPDATE: The Seattle Vs. Portland Flicks...
Hiya, folks...
Hope everyone had a great, productive week. Things are speeding up as we reach the end of 365 Days. Hard to believe we've stayed the course, but we did. Thanks to everyone who came along for the ride...
At any rate, please note that we will get the last five Seattle vs. Portland flicks posted between tomorrow morning and Sunday night. Obviously, tomorrow night is out of the question because we will be at the Sounders vs. Timbers game at Qwest Field. Let's hope for a Seattle Sounders victory!
Scarves Up Higher!
Hope everyone had a great, productive week. Things are speeding up as we reach the end of 365 Days. Hard to believe we've stayed the course, but we did. Thanks to everyone who came along for the ride...
At any rate, please note that we will get the last five Seattle vs. Portland flicks posted between tomorrow morning and Sunday night. Obviously, tomorrow night is out of the question because we will be at the Sounders vs. Timbers game at Qwest Field. Let's hope for a Seattle Sounders victory!
Scarves Up Higher!
# 330 - ANTITRUST (2001)
ANTITRUST (2001 - THRILLER / PORTLAND FLICK) **½ out of *****
(Sure - a computer nerd has a girlfriend that hot. And I‘m Antonio Banderas….)
CAST: Ryan Philippe, Rachel Leigh Cook, Claire Forlani, Tim Robbins, Yee Jee Tso, Richard Roundtree.
DIRECTOR: Peter Howitt
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one rather thinly disguised version of a famous software mogul straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Sorta-cute computer programmer Milo Hoffman (Ryan Philippe) is recruited by software tycoon Gary Winston (Tim Robbins) to work at his, ahem, Portland campus called NURV (I don‘t know what the hell it means, either… all I know is it ain‘t Microsoft). Milo, despite pledging to his best pal Teddy (Jee Yee Tso) that they‘ll never sell out to Big Business, basically goes down on Gary by way of accepting his offer. Before you know it, Milo is living the big life in… Portland. Unfortunately, when Teddy winds up dead and his code turns up in NURV’s labs, Milo begins to suspect the worst about his new boss. Add to that the fact that the Justice Department is investigating Gary for antitrust violations, and they want to use Milo as an informant. All in all, not the dream job Milo had hoped for.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Despite being an ultra-geek, Milo obviously think he’s a secret agent and does all sorts of daring derring-do. Or, as one baddie correctly chastises him later on: “What’s with the MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3 bullshit, Milo? You’re a GEEK!!!” Ha ha. Nerd got owned.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Tie between Rachel Leigh Cook and Claire Forlani as Milo’s leading ladies. Cook plays Lisa, a mysterious programmer who may or may not be his best ally in helping topple Gary’s evil empire. Forlani plays Alice, Milo’s mysterious girlfriend who may or may not be conspiring in league with Gary. So what if neither of them are trustworthy - they’re both nuclear-hot.
MOST INTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: The aforementioned baddie reminding Milo that he is, well, definitely not Tom Cruise.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Milo administering a sesame seed allergy test to determine if Alice is trying to kill him or not. Seriously. If I’m making this up may lightning strike my fine Eurasian ass.
HOTTEST SCENE: The scene where Alice sticks her finger in some Chinese food - then makes Milo suck it. HELL. YES! Way to combine two of my favorite things in the world. Food and, well, sucking…
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: What is Gary’s ultimate goal? Is he operating some sort of dastardly operation on the NURV campus? Will Milo risk everything to find out? Or will he get caught by Gary’s security team? Who can Milo count on to help him? Lisa? Alice? Teddy’s ghost? Or is he pretty much going to have to continue to act like James Bond with a pocket protector?
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “ANTITRUST”: If you don’t mind glossy but predictable thrillers with attractive stars who don’t have to stretch the acting muscle too much. And if you dislike a certain real-life software billionaire from the Northwest. Ahem.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “ANTITRUST”: If you want your thrillers to be more than just predictable fare with competent if not commanding acting. And if you are loyal to a certain real-life software billionaire from the Northwest.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Basically coming across as Generation X version of THE FIRM, ANTITRUST is a competent thriller that hits all the expected beats. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really do much beyond that. It’s clear that Microsoft and Bill Gates must have, at least in part, inspired the character of Gary Winston and NURV. Of course, I seriously doubt Mr. Gates is as murderous as the way Winston is presented here. Tim Robbins is okay as Winston, and portrays the man as someone who never really grew up, but instead just regressed in certain ways.
As for the rest of the cast, they’re all okay but, as I mentioned before, not much more than that with the exception of one: Claire Forlani as Milo‘s mysterious girlfriend Alice. Ms. Forlani takes what could’ve been a creaky cliché (the enigmatic dark-haired beauty who may nor may not be the enemy) and turns it into something compelling. Forlani has a nice way of drawing you into her emotions with her eyes - without saying a word. It’s her best quality as an actress, and its on display every time she’s onscreen. Unfortunately, Alice isn’t used as much as she should’ve been. But when she is used, she’s dynamite.
Ryan Philippe is decent but a little bland as Milo, while Rachel Leigh Cook has nice tentative fragility as Lisa, the programmer who becomes Milo’s ally in uncovering Winston’s scheme. Like Philippe, Cook is okay - but she’s not as compelling as Forlani. All in all, the cast of ANTITRUST do what the script requires them to do. It’s just unfortunate that the script is a rote, predictable affair.
(Sure - a computer nerd has a girlfriend that hot. And I‘m Antonio Banderas….)
CAST: Ryan Philippe, Rachel Leigh Cook, Claire Forlani, Tim Robbins, Yee Jee Tso, Richard Roundtree.
DIRECTOR: Peter Howitt
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one rather thinly disguised version of a famous software mogul straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Sorta-cute computer programmer Milo Hoffman (Ryan Philippe) is recruited by software tycoon Gary Winston (Tim Robbins) to work at his, ahem, Portland campus called NURV (I don‘t know what the hell it means, either… all I know is it ain‘t Microsoft). Milo, despite pledging to his best pal Teddy (Jee Yee Tso) that they‘ll never sell out to Big Business, basically goes down on Gary by way of accepting his offer. Before you know it, Milo is living the big life in… Portland. Unfortunately, when Teddy winds up dead and his code turns up in NURV’s labs, Milo begins to suspect the worst about his new boss. Add to that the fact that the Justice Department is investigating Gary for antitrust violations, and they want to use Milo as an informant. All in all, not the dream job Milo had hoped for.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Despite being an ultra-geek, Milo obviously think he’s a secret agent and does all sorts of daring derring-do. Or, as one baddie correctly chastises him later on: “What’s with the MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3 bullshit, Milo? You’re a GEEK!!!” Ha ha. Nerd got owned.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Tie between Rachel Leigh Cook and Claire Forlani as Milo’s leading ladies. Cook plays Lisa, a mysterious programmer who may or may not be his best ally in helping topple Gary’s evil empire. Forlani plays Alice, Milo’s mysterious girlfriend who may or may not be conspiring in league with Gary. So what if neither of them are trustworthy - they’re both nuclear-hot.
MOST INTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: The aforementioned baddie reminding Milo that he is, well, definitely not Tom Cruise.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Milo administering a sesame seed allergy test to determine if Alice is trying to kill him or not. Seriously. If I’m making this up may lightning strike my fine Eurasian ass.
HOTTEST SCENE: The scene where Alice sticks her finger in some Chinese food - then makes Milo suck it. HELL. YES! Way to combine two of my favorite things in the world. Food and, well, sucking…
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: What is Gary’s ultimate goal? Is he operating some sort of dastardly operation on the NURV campus? Will Milo risk everything to find out? Or will he get caught by Gary’s security team? Who can Milo count on to help him? Lisa? Alice? Teddy’s ghost? Or is he pretty much going to have to continue to act like James Bond with a pocket protector?
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “ANTITRUST”: If you don’t mind glossy but predictable thrillers with attractive stars who don’t have to stretch the acting muscle too much. And if you dislike a certain real-life software billionaire from the Northwest. Ahem.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “ANTITRUST”: If you want your thrillers to be more than just predictable fare with competent if not commanding acting. And if you are loyal to a certain real-life software billionaire from the Northwest.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Basically coming across as Generation X version of THE FIRM, ANTITRUST is a competent thriller that hits all the expected beats. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really do much beyond that. It’s clear that Microsoft and Bill Gates must have, at least in part, inspired the character of Gary Winston and NURV. Of course, I seriously doubt Mr. Gates is as murderous as the way Winston is presented here. Tim Robbins is okay as Winston, and portrays the man as someone who never really grew up, but instead just regressed in certain ways.
As for the rest of the cast, they’re all okay but, as I mentioned before, not much more than that with the exception of one: Claire Forlani as Milo‘s mysterious girlfriend Alice. Ms. Forlani takes what could’ve been a creaky cliché (the enigmatic dark-haired beauty who may nor may not be the enemy) and turns it into something compelling. Forlani has a nice way of drawing you into her emotions with her eyes - without saying a word. It’s her best quality as an actress, and its on display every time she’s onscreen. Unfortunately, Alice isn’t used as much as she should’ve been. But when she is used, she’s dynamite.
Ryan Philippe is decent but a little bland as Milo, while Rachel Leigh Cook has nice tentative fragility as Lisa, the programmer who becomes Milo’s ally in uncovering Winston’s scheme. Like Philippe, Cook is okay - but she’s not as compelling as Forlani. All in all, the cast of ANTITRUST do what the script requires them to do. It’s just unfortunate that the script is a rote, predictable affair.
# 329 - THE RING TWO (2004)
THE RING TWO (2004 - HORROR / PORTLAND FLICK) *** out of *****
(Rachel vs. Samara, part Deux….)
CAST: Naomi Watts, Simon Baker, David Dorfman, Elizabeth Perkins, Sissy Spacek, Ryan Merriman, Emily Van Camp.
DIRECTOR: Hideo Nakata
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and another really pissed-off ghost - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: A couple of years after she tussled with that cursed videotape that killed anyone who watched it after seven days, and went nine rounds with the vengeful ghost of Samara Morgan (Daveigh Chase), Seattle journalist Rachel Keller realizes that life in the sticks is much less of a hassle (or nightmare). So she packs up her bizarro son Aidan (David Dorfman), and they head down south to Astoria, Oregon to start over. Except they’ve underestimated the reach of Samara’s hair. That shit could follow them all the way to Madagascar if it wanted to. Sure enough, after a local teen (Ryan Merriman) dies after watching, ahem, a mysterious video tape, Rachel and Aidan finds themselves neck-deep in the Samara Floor Show of Horrors once more.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Rachel Keller. You might as well put a cape on her.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Simon Baker as blonde hottie Max Rourke who becomes Rachel’s boss - then love interest. Lucky bitch.
MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: The videotape angle is jettisoned after the first act, but it still provides the scariest scene: the opening sequence where two stupid teens (Emily Van Camp, Ryan Merriman) pop that shit in and sign their death warrants.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Aidan trying to smile. Terrifying beyond belief. With David Dorfman’s huge eyes and expressionless mug, a smile is the last thing you’d expect to see coming from those lips.
HOTTEST SCENE: Pretty much any scene with Simon Baker in it. The dude is ssssssssmokin’.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: What is Samara up to now? Why has she followed Rachel and Aidan all the way from Seattle? Doesn’t she realize that VHS tapes are so last decade - or even more? How can anyone take a ghost seriously if she doesn’t have the right technology? Will Max be able to save Rachel and Aidan? Or will he go the route of Noah from THE RING? Specifically, the route called “Beautiful Dead Meat”? What happens when Aidan starts sprouting all sorts of bruises and the local docs start getting suspicious? Is Samara setting Rachel up? How can Rachel triumph against someone with such horribly stringy hair?
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE RING TWO”: If you didn’t like THE RING. Because it takes a completely different approach than that flick did, and you just might dig it.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE RING TWO”: If you loved THE RING. Because this one takes such a different approach, it just might turn you off.
FINAL ANALYSIS: THE RING was an American remake of RINGU, one of the most successful foreign horror films of all time. THE RING became a major box-office hit and became something of a cultural phenomenon. Naturally, a sequel was a no-brainer. The interesting thing, though, is that the producers hired the Japanese director of RINGU to direct this sequel to the American remake. Hideo Nakata’s direction is solid, stylish, and eerie, and he gives the film the same brooding aura of menace that Gore Verbinski did with THE RING.
The reason, though, that THE RING TWO is not as well-regarded as THE RING is that it bears closer resemblance to THE EXORCIST, INSIDIOUS, and other demonic possession flicks. The crux here is not a ticking-clock mechanism as Rachel tries to uncover the provenance of another mysterious tape, but rather Rachel realizing that they didn’t break the curse at all. Instead, they made it worse - and now Samara wants to possess Aidan. The result is a film that doesn’t have the same relentlessly linear drive of the first movie. THE RING TWO is a more surreal journey with several detours. If you can deal with that, then this film is actually not that bad. Quite above average, actually.
Just as she did in THE RING, Naomi Watts turns Rachel Keller into a compelling heroine. Blending steely resolve, hidden fragility, and unswerving loyalty to her son, Rachel is completely riveting - as is Watts. David Dorfman provides the same eerie take on Aidan, while Simon Baker takes on the “love interest” duties this time. Baker is good in his underwritten role, and one can’t help but wish that Max had been used in the plot more.
In the end, THE RING TWO is an intriguingly off-beat sequel to THE RING. You have to give it credit for daring to be different from it wildly popular predecessor. If you give it a chance, you’ll see that this movie provides its own rewards - not the least of which is another great performance from Naomi Watts.
(Rachel vs. Samara, part Deux….)
CAST: Naomi Watts, Simon Baker, David Dorfman, Elizabeth Perkins, Sissy Spacek, Ryan Merriman, Emily Van Camp.
DIRECTOR: Hideo Nakata
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and another really pissed-off ghost - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: A couple of years after she tussled with that cursed videotape that killed anyone who watched it after seven days, and went nine rounds with the vengeful ghost of Samara Morgan (Daveigh Chase), Seattle journalist Rachel Keller realizes that life in the sticks is much less of a hassle (or nightmare). So she packs up her bizarro son Aidan (David Dorfman), and they head down south to Astoria, Oregon to start over. Except they’ve underestimated the reach of Samara’s hair. That shit could follow them all the way to Madagascar if it wanted to. Sure enough, after a local teen (Ryan Merriman) dies after watching, ahem, a mysterious video tape, Rachel and Aidan finds themselves neck-deep in the Samara Floor Show of Horrors once more.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Rachel Keller. You might as well put a cape on her.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Simon Baker as blonde hottie Max Rourke who becomes Rachel’s boss - then love interest. Lucky bitch.
MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: The videotape angle is jettisoned after the first act, but it still provides the scariest scene: the opening sequence where two stupid teens (Emily Van Camp, Ryan Merriman) pop that shit in and sign their death warrants.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Aidan trying to smile. Terrifying beyond belief. With David Dorfman’s huge eyes and expressionless mug, a smile is the last thing you’d expect to see coming from those lips.
HOTTEST SCENE: Pretty much any scene with Simon Baker in it. The dude is ssssssssmokin’.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: What is Samara up to now? Why has she followed Rachel and Aidan all the way from Seattle? Doesn’t she realize that VHS tapes are so last decade - or even more? How can anyone take a ghost seriously if she doesn’t have the right technology? Will Max be able to save Rachel and Aidan? Or will he go the route of Noah from THE RING? Specifically, the route called “Beautiful Dead Meat”? What happens when Aidan starts sprouting all sorts of bruises and the local docs start getting suspicious? Is Samara setting Rachel up? How can Rachel triumph against someone with such horribly stringy hair?
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE RING TWO”: If you didn’t like THE RING. Because it takes a completely different approach than that flick did, and you just might dig it.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE RING TWO”: If you loved THE RING. Because this one takes such a different approach, it just might turn you off.
FINAL ANALYSIS: THE RING was an American remake of RINGU, one of the most successful foreign horror films of all time. THE RING became a major box-office hit and became something of a cultural phenomenon. Naturally, a sequel was a no-brainer. The interesting thing, though, is that the producers hired the Japanese director of RINGU to direct this sequel to the American remake. Hideo Nakata’s direction is solid, stylish, and eerie, and he gives the film the same brooding aura of menace that Gore Verbinski did with THE RING.
The reason, though, that THE RING TWO is not as well-regarded as THE RING is that it bears closer resemblance to THE EXORCIST, INSIDIOUS, and other demonic possession flicks. The crux here is not a ticking-clock mechanism as Rachel tries to uncover the provenance of another mysterious tape, but rather Rachel realizing that they didn’t break the curse at all. Instead, they made it worse - and now Samara wants to possess Aidan. The result is a film that doesn’t have the same relentlessly linear drive of the first movie. THE RING TWO is a more surreal journey with several detours. If you can deal with that, then this film is actually not that bad. Quite above average, actually.
Just as she did in THE RING, Naomi Watts turns Rachel Keller into a compelling heroine. Blending steely resolve, hidden fragility, and unswerving loyalty to her son, Rachel is completely riveting - as is Watts. David Dorfman provides the same eerie take on Aidan, while Simon Baker takes on the “love interest” duties this time. Baker is good in his underwritten role, and one can’t help but wish that Max had been used in the plot more.
In the end, THE RING TWO is an intriguingly off-beat sequel to THE RING. You have to give it credit for daring to be different from it wildly popular predecessor. If you give it a chance, you’ll see that this movie provides its own rewards - not the least of which is another great performance from Naomi Watts.
REVIEW UPDATE: The last four weeks of our run....
Hi, folks...
Our last Haunted House Flick has posted. Tomorrow we begin our Seattle Vs. Portland Flicks to commemorate the Sounders vs. Timbers soccer match (first ever in the MLS) this Saturday. We will also have another Soccer Week for the week of May 28, to commemorate the match between Mexico and Ecuador, which has also been on our roster to attend. I had hoped to do a final soccer week on the week of June 10 for the Vancouver Whitecaps game, but since that is our final week of our "365 Movie Reviews in 365 Days" theme, we will have another commemorative theme that week. It's a surprise.... Definitely still going to the game, though.
Anyhow, get your suggestions in for our Final Review # 365. Thanks to everyone who has already submitted stuff. You've made some great suggestions, which just makes the selection even more difficult... sigh...
Our last Haunted House Flick has posted. Tomorrow we begin our Seattle Vs. Portland Flicks to commemorate the Sounders vs. Timbers soccer match (first ever in the MLS) this Saturday. We will also have another Soccer Week for the week of May 28, to commemorate the match between Mexico and Ecuador, which has also been on our roster to attend. I had hoped to do a final soccer week on the week of June 10 for the Vancouver Whitecaps game, but since that is our final week of our "365 Movie Reviews in 365 Days" theme, we will have another commemorative theme that week. It's a surprise.... Definitely still going to the game, though.
Anyhow, get your suggestions in for our Final Review # 365. Thanks to everyone who has already submitted stuff. You've made some great suggestions, which just makes the selection even more difficult... sigh...
# 328 - THE WOMAN IN BLACK (1989)
THE WOMAN IN BLACK (1989 - HORROR / HAUNTED HOUSE FLICK) **** out of *****
(Next time, dude, tell your boss “Hell, NO!” when he asks you do this kind of stuff - if there is a next time, that is….)
CAST: Adrian Rawlins, Bernard Hepton, David Dakar, Pauline Moran, Claire Holman.
DIRECTOR: Herbert Wise
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one really pissed-off ghost - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Ambitious Victorian-era barrister (that’s what the Limeys call a lawyer in England) and family man Arthur Kidd (Adrian Rawlins) is eager to make partner in his law firm, so he accepts a sketchy job assignment from his boss to travel to the tiny hamlet of Crippengifford in the rural north of England. His task: settle the affairs of a recently deceased woman and pack up the shit in her isolated house which, by the way, is called Eelmarsh House. Sorry, folks, but if a house has a name like that, it’s pretty safe to assume that it’s not full of Walt Disney characters wanting to sing and dance to you. Sure enough, Arthur learns of the legend of the “woman in black” - the spirit of a woman who died while really, really, really pissed off. This set off a curse that ensures anyone who encounters her ghost is pretty much fucked - no matter where they hide. Good luck with that, Arthur.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Arthur seems pretty resolute and resourceful - but it may not be enough to escape the curse of the Woman In Black…
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Adrian Rawlins as Arthur Kidd. All lawyers should be this HAWT!!!.
MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Shit, where do I start? The part where Arthur feels the hairs stand up on the back of his neck - then turns to see La Donne En Nero standing there looking like someone stole her ice cream cone? Or the part where Arthur hears the ghostly re-enactment of a stagecoach crash, with a kid screaming like someone stole his ice cream cone. Or how about the part in the inn room where El Mujer En Negro gets the jump on Arthur? Or how about the scene at the very end of the film where Arthur and his family enjoy a nice boating excursion, thinking they’re safe, only to have our fashionably-dressed banshee show up unexpectedly? Any one of these scene may test the strength of your bowels.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: They’re all intentionally scary. All of ‘em. No false moves or mis-steps here.
HOTTEST SCENE: Adrian Rawlins in his longjohns. And in his shirt unbuttoned down to there. And with sweat running down his face and neck. And rubbing his blond stubble out of frustration. God, I need to get laid.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: What the hell really happened at Eelmarsh house? Who died in that mysterious stage-coach crash? What is the real identity of the Woman in Black? What does she want? Will Arthur be able to escape her wrath? Or is he pretty much fucked? Why is she so pissed off, anyway? Is it because of the dark circles under her eyes? Arthur should teach her how to use concealer and see if that mellows her out.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE WOMAN IN BLACK”: If you like period horror films that are truly frightening.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE WOMAN IN BLACK”: If you don’t like being scared. And if you don’t like period movies.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Based on Susan Hill’s popular novella, THE WOMAN IN BLACK is a singularly powerful ghost story that is so effective that it was a hugely successful play before it was turned into this equally accomplished television movie. Now, it is being remade again for a 2012 big-screen release starring Harry Potter himself (Daniel Radcliffe) as the lawyer Arthur Kidd who gets pulled into the Woman in Black’s sinister web. This version has an older version of Arthur, as essayed very well by Adrian Rawlins. Rawlins delivers a rich, layered performance that sees Arthur as a devoted family man and dedicated barrister whose experiences in Eelmarsh house gradually strip of logic and reason - until the only thing left is raw, primal fear. As with the best haunted house flicks, THE WOMAN IN BLACK is thick with dread, foreboding, and moody atmosphere. It also has whopper of an ending that you won’t see coming - nor forget anytime soon. You’ll see.
They say horror films and thrillers are only as strong as their villains, and the Woman in Black is indeed a formidable supernatural adversary. The various images of the Woman In Black on the horizon, silently watching, deserves to be an iconic one. Predating the relentless, implacably vengeful ghosts of THE RING and THE GRUDGE, the ghost of THE WOMAN IN BLACK was definitely ahead of her time. Unlike the ghosts of THE CHANGELING and WHAT LIES BENEATH that just wanted justice, peace, and to be laid to rest, the ghost of Eelmarsh House just wants to ensnare anyone she can in her web of rage. And there’s nothing more frightening that, because how do you stop it? The answer (or lack of) is why THE WOMAN IN BLACK is an unforgettably terrifying experience. And I can’t wait for the big-screen version with Daniel Radcliffe to hit theatres next year.
(Next time, dude, tell your boss “Hell, NO!” when he asks you do this kind of stuff - if there is a next time, that is….)
CAST: Adrian Rawlins, Bernard Hepton, David Dakar, Pauline Moran, Claire Holman.
DIRECTOR: Herbert Wise
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one really pissed-off ghost - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Ambitious Victorian-era barrister (that’s what the Limeys call a lawyer in England) and family man Arthur Kidd (Adrian Rawlins) is eager to make partner in his law firm, so he accepts a sketchy job assignment from his boss to travel to the tiny hamlet of Crippengifford in the rural north of England. His task: settle the affairs of a recently deceased woman and pack up the shit in her isolated house which, by the way, is called Eelmarsh House. Sorry, folks, but if a house has a name like that, it’s pretty safe to assume that it’s not full of Walt Disney characters wanting to sing and dance to you. Sure enough, Arthur learns of the legend of the “woman in black” - the spirit of a woman who died while really, really, really pissed off. This set off a curse that ensures anyone who encounters her ghost is pretty much fucked - no matter where they hide. Good luck with that, Arthur.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Arthur seems pretty resolute and resourceful - but it may not be enough to escape the curse of the Woman In Black…
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Adrian Rawlins as Arthur Kidd. All lawyers should be this HAWT!!!.
MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Shit, where do I start? The part where Arthur feels the hairs stand up on the back of his neck - then turns to see La Donne En Nero standing there looking like someone stole her ice cream cone? Or the part where Arthur hears the ghostly re-enactment of a stagecoach crash, with a kid screaming like someone stole his ice cream cone. Or how about the part in the inn room where El Mujer En Negro gets the jump on Arthur? Or how about the scene at the very end of the film where Arthur and his family enjoy a nice boating excursion, thinking they’re safe, only to have our fashionably-dressed banshee show up unexpectedly? Any one of these scene may test the strength of your bowels.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: They’re all intentionally scary. All of ‘em. No false moves or mis-steps here.
HOTTEST SCENE: Adrian Rawlins in his longjohns. And in his shirt unbuttoned down to there. And with sweat running down his face and neck. And rubbing his blond stubble out of frustration. God, I need to get laid.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: What the hell really happened at Eelmarsh house? Who died in that mysterious stage-coach crash? What is the real identity of the Woman in Black? What does she want? Will Arthur be able to escape her wrath? Or is he pretty much fucked? Why is she so pissed off, anyway? Is it because of the dark circles under her eyes? Arthur should teach her how to use concealer and see if that mellows her out.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE WOMAN IN BLACK”: If you like period horror films that are truly frightening.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE WOMAN IN BLACK”: If you don’t like being scared. And if you don’t like period movies.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Based on Susan Hill’s popular novella, THE WOMAN IN BLACK is a singularly powerful ghost story that is so effective that it was a hugely successful play before it was turned into this equally accomplished television movie. Now, it is being remade again for a 2012 big-screen release starring Harry Potter himself (Daniel Radcliffe) as the lawyer Arthur Kidd who gets pulled into the Woman in Black’s sinister web. This version has an older version of Arthur, as essayed very well by Adrian Rawlins. Rawlins delivers a rich, layered performance that sees Arthur as a devoted family man and dedicated barrister whose experiences in Eelmarsh house gradually strip of logic and reason - until the only thing left is raw, primal fear. As with the best haunted house flicks, THE WOMAN IN BLACK is thick with dread, foreboding, and moody atmosphere. It also has whopper of an ending that you won’t see coming - nor forget anytime soon. You’ll see.
They say horror films and thrillers are only as strong as their villains, and the Woman in Black is indeed a formidable supernatural adversary. The various images of the Woman In Black on the horizon, silently watching, deserves to be an iconic one. Predating the relentless, implacably vengeful ghosts of THE RING and THE GRUDGE, the ghost of THE WOMAN IN BLACK was definitely ahead of her time. Unlike the ghosts of THE CHANGELING and WHAT LIES BENEATH that just wanted justice, peace, and to be laid to rest, the ghost of Eelmarsh House just wants to ensnare anyone she can in her web of rage. And there’s nothing more frightening that, because how do you stop it? The answer (or lack of) is why THE WOMAN IN BLACK is an unforgettably terrifying experience. And I can’t wait for the big-screen version with Daniel Radcliffe to hit theatres next year.
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