(So much for turning that place into a Vacation Home… Fuck that…)
CAST: Trish Van Devere, Joseph Cotton, David Gautreaux, Perry Lang, Med Flory, Donald Hotton.
DIRECTOR: George Bowers
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one really good reason to stay the fuck away from any and all houses you inherit from distant relatives - straight ahead...
IT’S LIKE THIS: San Francisco schoolteacher Jane Hardy (Trish Van Devere) decides to recuperate from a stressful divorce by spending her summer vacation in the small town of Blackford, at the family house she inherited from her dead Aunt Rebecca. Not long after arriving in town, Jane finds herself treated by the townspeople like she has a hybrid virus that combines syphilis, leprosy, ebola, and the common cold. The reason? Oh, nothing special, it’s just that Aunt Rebecca’s house is supposed to be haunted - and the road leading to it is supposed to be regularly patroled by a phantom hearse. The same one that crashed while carrying her coffin. And it appears Auntie Becca also worshipped the devil, and in the great intellectual noggins of the townspeople, this means that Jane is Satan-lover herself. Fucking hillbillies…
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: As with WHAT LIES BENEATH, it’s up to our heroine to save the day. Jane can depend on the men of the town the same way a mouse can depend on a cat to treat it with respect.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Paul (Perry Lang), adorable blonde dude whom Jane hires to fix up the house, and who also has a thang for our heroine.
MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Aunt Rebecca’s face popping up on the other side of a second-floor window while Jane tries to clean the glass from the outside on a tall ladder.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Jane reacting to the above scene with a “Hmmm... That was peculiar“ expression - as well as to others like it where Aunt Rebecca’s ghost pretty much twirls a baton and marches back and forth in front of her. I’m sorry, but my ass would be out of that house after the second incident.
HOTTEST SCENE: Once again, we’re picking for crumbs here folks. There’s a scene where Jane and her new boyfriend Tom (David Gautreaux) make love by the firelight, but it’s not exactly what I would refer to as “hot.” The closest we get is seeing Paul doing some good old-fashioned carpentry wearing a flannel shirt and tight jeans. You know what? I’ll take it.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Is it true that Aunt Rebecca worshipped the devil? What really happened to the hearse? And what does it mean when Jane finds herself trailed by a mysterious hearse when she drives at night? Can a car have a… ghost? And what role does Tom have in the mystery? What does he know about Jane… and Rebecca? Are the townspeople trying to drive Jane out of Blackford? Will Paul regret taking Jane’s job offer to fix the house and vamoose himself? I would. I’m sure there are houses with less ghosts to work on, thank you very much.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE HEARSE”: If you don’t mind your horror movies to be a little old-fashioned, with some nice atmosphere and good acting. And also if you can forgive the occasional (okay, more than occasional) lack of good judgment on Jane’s part - such as taking forever to realize that her house (and the road leading up to it) is very, very, very haunted.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE HEARSE”: If you like your horror flicks to be less quaint and more contemporary. And if you’re the type to throw an ashtray at the screen whenever someone does something stupid like, oh I don’t know, just walk around like nothing happened after a ghostly chauffeur just chased her up and down the front stairs the night before.
FINAL ANALYSIS: While it’s not a perfect film, THE HEARSE has a lot to recommend it. Chief among these pluses is a genuinely eerie atmosphere. The house that Jane moves into in Blackford looks like a million other houses, but director George Bowers shoots it in such a way that something always seems off and threatening. The musical score is also quite effective, despite occasionally being obvious. It also helps that Trish Van Devere makes Jane extremely sympathetic. This is a woman who is trying to get back on her feet after a brutal divorce, and heads for a different environment to do that - only to find herself in a even more threatening situation. Van Devere subtly plays Jane’s vulnerability, while also underscoring her feistiness. The only aspect of the character that doesn’t work is her refusal to accept what is happening around her, choosing instead to attribute it to after-effects of her recent nervous breakdown - or an attempt by the unfriendly townspeople to drive her out of town. This can only hold water for so long before the character starts to appear dense or unrealistic.
Fortunately, the tension and scares are enough to distract us from this nitnoid. In the end, THE HEARSE rises a little above the average because of the unsettling atmosphere it unspools on us. Sometimes, an old-fashioned approach is very welcome, indeed.
