(Talk about the commute from hell…)
CAST: Keanu Reeves, Dennis Hopper, Sandra Bullock, Joe Morton, Jeff Daniels, Beth Grant.
DIRECTOR: Jan DeBont
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and a few damn good reasons to flush your bus pass down the nearest toilet - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: An ex-cop named Howard Payne (Dennis Hopper) is pissed off that a line-of-duty accident blew off the thumb of his good hand, meaning he will never be able to masturbate effectively ever again. Therefore he launches a cockamamie plot to put a bomb on a Los Angeles Metro bus that will explode if the vehicle drops below fifty. And you thought your commute was going to be a boring one. Ha ha.
THE DUDE MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Jack Traven (Keanu Reeves), LAPD cat who seems to have been weaned on action movie one-liners, because everything that spills out of his mouth sounds like he’s trying pass himself off as a Eurasian (albeit a hot one) version of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Jack must do the following: (1) board the bus, (2) calm the passengers down, and (3) figure out a way to stop the bus without it (and them) being blown out of their minds - and not in that good way. If you know what I mean.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Annie (Sandra Bullock), very cute and very smart-ass chick whose driver’s license has been revoked for (are you sitting down) speeding, making her the ideal candidate to drive the bus when the driver is accidentally shot by a passenger with a gun. Don’t ask.
MOST HAIR-RAISING SCENE: It’s a toss-up between the out-of-control bus leaping over a chasm in the freeway - or watching Jack (as essayed by Keanu R.) try to be all soulful and sensitive to Annie at the end. I don’t know about you folks, but if I barely survived a situation like this, I would cut the small talk and basically be like, “Let’s cut to the chase here: I want to fuck your brains out before another nutjob comes along and pulls another dumbass stunt like this one that we may not survive next time. You game? I won’t tell if you won’t.”
HOTTEST SCENE: If Jack had actually delivered the above line to Annie, that would’ve been the hottest scene. Unfortunately, we just have to settle for the one where Annie's skirt gets blown up by the wind during her and Jack’s escape from the bus. Crumbs, folks… fucking crumbs.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Jack and Annie save the day and have hot celebratory sex? Or will Howard kill them all and get his money for a thumb transplant that will allow him to spank his monkey with ease like before? Someone should tell him to, you know, get a girlfriend or something.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SPEED”: This is the cinematic equivalent of multiple orgasms. Especially if you’re an action fan. To wit, you barely have the time to get over one explosion, when the build-up to the next one is already starting. Then that one goes off, and you’re on the rise again towards the next one. By the 30-minute mark, you will have smoked five cigarettes and may want to roll over and go to sleep. But not because you‘re bored - because you‘re fucking exhausted. And your neighbors will be very relieved.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SPEED”: If you like stuff like THE REMAINS OF THE DAY and HOWARD’S END, this movie may be the cinematic equivalent of Chinese Water Torture. Then again, I liked THE REMAINS OF THE DAY and HOWARD’S END - and I love SPEED. Then again I’m pretty much the only one of my kind on this planet. Will someone please tell me when the Mother Ship comes back?
FINAL ANALYSIS: If they would’ve figured out a way to set the whole thing on the bus, this would’ve been a ***** movie. Unfortunately, we have to deal with that opening elevator sequence and that finale on the runaway subway train. While both are quite exciting, they just don’t compare to SPEED’s entire mid-section that takes place on that runaway bus. Still, this is a well-acted and well-executed flick that stops just short of being genius. It's still a very good film.
