(Here comes the Bride, ready to take you on the wildest ride…)
CAST: Uma Thurman, Lucy Liu, Vivica A. Fox, Michael Madsen, Keith Carradine, Sonny Chiba, Julie Dreyfus, Michael Park.
DIRECTOR: Quentin Tarantino
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one seriously pissed-off chick - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Our heroine is The Bride (Uma Thurman), and she works as an assassin for some high-powered dude named Bill (Keith Carradine), along with crazy Japanese/Chinese mutt O-Ren Ishii (Lucy Liu), bad-ass sistah Vernita Green (Vivica A. Fox), and blonde doppelganger Elle Driver (Daryl Hannah). Life is good until The Bride tries to escape her life as a killer - only to discover that it’s kind of like being a porn star: you can’t really just walk away from it because there are just too many reminders everywhere. In this case, Bill and his bitches go after their former colleague and put a hole in her head because of her disloyalty. Problem is this doesn’t kill The Bride - just puts her in a coma for a few years. When she wakes up, she’s like my cat when he finds a partially empty dish bowl: pissed off and ready to slice something.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Let’s face it: no one is saving Bill and his posse. They’re all fucked. It’s just a matter of time before The Bride catches up to them and makes meat pastries with their asses…
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: All of the women. If you could rate a movie based on how hot its chicks are, this movie would be a perfect *****. Uma Thurman is particularly scrumptious, especially when tussling with Lucy Liu. Something about a blonde chick and an Asian chick going at it automatically conjures up some seriously dirty thoughts. Or am I a degenerate?
MOST HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Action-wise, it’s when The Bride faces off against O-Ren Ishii and her 1,782,834 henchmen at a Tokyo teahouse. That’s one establishment that’s going to be closed for remodeling for awhile. Too many bloodstains, you see. Then there’s the scene where Buck The Perverted Orderly tries to make whoopee with a comatose Bride (yes, it’s as gross as it sounds), only to discover first hand how it feels to have a bear trap clamp down on your lower lip. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
HOTTEST SCENE: Any scene with Uma Thurman beating the crap out of someone. Which is pretty much most of this movie.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will The Bride bring the whoop-ass to the table and successfully annihilate her former partners? Or will they get her first? Does Bill actually still love The Bride? Is there any truth to the saying that “you always hurt the one you love?” Or is that pretty much bullshit? If Bill really loved The Bride why’d he put a bullet in her head? That’s a little too much hurting.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “KILL BILL VOL I”: If you dig cartoonish violence that appears to be directly lifted out of a comic book, with quirky characters, hyper-literate dialogue, and loose ends that leave you wanting more then you, my friend, have found Nirvana.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “KILL BILL VOL I”: If you cannot stand violence - whether cartoonish or realistic - then avoid, avoid, avoid. If Quentin Tarantino also gives you a suspicious rash when you see him, then you may also want to watch something else. Like PRETTY WOMAN.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Feeling tired, folks, from a busy Friday afternoon and evening, and an even busier Saturday, so I’ll keep KILL BILL VOL I’s analysis succinct: this movie is a kinetic, exciting, graceful, and offbeat comic book brough to life. Uma Thurman is great and layered as The Bride, and the movie is full of great supporting performances - especially Lucy Liu as O-Ren Ishii. The sequence in the House of Blue Leaves where Bride and O-Ren go toe to toe is the film’s highlight. Easily.
Quentin Tarantino’s best. Much better than PULP FICTION, which was okay but a little overrated.
