(They can keep this Steroid Man for themselves. Give me a lean, lanky, athletic, hairy, muscled-just-enough, nice pecs, swimmer‘s-build, cyclist‘s-physique, kind of guy - anyday…)
CAST: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Stellan Skarsgaard, Kat Dennings, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba.
DIRECTOR: Kenneth Branagh
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one overly-muscled blonde god - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: In a place somewhere above the Earth (or something) is a magical, other-worldly place called Asgard (or something) where a bunch of hotties who call themselves gods (or something) live. When a pissing contest between two of them gets out of hand, the blonder and buffer of the two, Thor (Chris Hemsworth), goes into self-imposed exile on Earth below. He runs into astro-physicist Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) who becomes enchanted by Thor’s he-man tactics and mug-smashing antics. Women. Anyhow, back in Asgard, Thor’s enemy (and adopted brother) Loki (Tom Hiddleston) sends his deadly henchman to Earth to wipe out Thor for good - and woe betide anyone who gets in the way. Jane, dear? I’m talking to you, girl. Run. Run as long as there’s ground.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Thor, of course. Although Jane does get to pitch in every once in awhile, and so do Thor’s bizarro cronies who show up on Earth, unannounced, wearing clothes that wouldn’t be out of place at the wackiest medieval festival.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: You’d think Chris Hemsworth as Thor. But… no. Sorry. There’s just something about too-buff dudes with overly muscular, hairless torsos that makes me think of an oversized blow-up doll. Lean, lanky, rangy, athletic dudes with swimmer/cyclist builds with acres and acres of chest and belly hair is where it’s at, folks, because they’re usually hung like a horse. Compared to them, Thor is just a blonde Conan The Barbarian with a (most likely) tiny dick. Well, at least Natalie Portman is an ultra-babe.
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Thor going mano-a-mano with Loki’s mechanized pitbull/robot/enforcer - right in the middle of a small town. Hope those folks all have iron-clad property insurance.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: Thor getting tazed/syringed/bludgeoned repeatedly. For an invincible superhero, he sure does get smacked around a lot.
HOTTEST SCENE: You might expect me to cite the scene where Thor walks around with his shirt off. But, sorry, no… if a guy is so buff that his arms are forever sticking out from his sides like he’s carrying a couple of invisible rolled-up carpets, that’s just unsexy. Like I said, they should have stuck a scene somewhere with a hot, hairy, lean, lanky, muscled-just-right, athletic dude in a speedo - just for good measure. That would have been the hottest scene. As it stands, I’ll have to go with any scene showing Natalie Portman’s gorgeous face. That is one beautiful woman.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Why is Loki so determined to kill off Thor? Does he want to rule Asgard that bad? Will Jane help Thor overthrow Loki? Or will she get caught in the crossfire? Will Thor’s buddies from Asgard help him beat Loki’s assassin? Or is the Earth pretty much fucked? Well, let’s just say that with all those goddamn muscles, Thor better be able to save the fucking planet. They have to be good for something.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THOR”: If you like exciting, well-made action/superhero films that aren‘t afraid to be a little funny and goofy. And if, for some reason, you are nuts about muscular men who look like they’re forever carrying invisible carpets under each arm. Like I said, give me a swimmer/cyclist anyday.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THOR”: If you’re not into superhero flicks or goofy action movies. And if you really can’t stand overly muscular men who look like they’re carrying invisible carpets under each arm.
FINAL ANALYSIS: THOR is a perfect combo of action, heart, spectacle and humor. The cast is uniformly good, and take their roles just seriously enough for us to be invested in their action, but with also enough lightness so that a nice sense of humor is generated to keep things from being too heavy-handed. Director Kenneth Branagh proves that he’s just as good as a director as he is an actor.
Speaking of actors, Natalie Portman proves again how versatile she is as an actress. Following her harrowing turn as the “good/evil” ballerina from BLACK SWAN, this performance is a lot easier but it also gives Portman the opportunity to inject some interesting and unexpected shadings into this normal woman. Can’t wait for Jane to come back in the inevitable sequel. As Thor, Chris Hemsworth demonstrates ample screen presence. Like I said, he may not be my idea of the perfect guy (shocking to some) even with his huge muscles and “Brad Pitt” looks, but his acting skills are fine.
In the end, THOR can stand next to IRON MAN as a Marvel Comics adaptation that is serious, smart, sardonic, and soulful - all in the right places…
