(I feel your pain, Ralphie. Seriously…)
CAST: Peter Billingsley, Melinda Dillon, Darren McGavin, Tedde Moore, Ian Petrella, Scott Schwartz.
DIRECTOR: Bob Clark
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and desperately resourceful kids straight ahead…
When I was growing up in Southeast Asia, there were three things I loved the most: (1) movies (duh); (2) riding my bike everywhere; and (3) “Choose Your Own Adventure” books. Most of you are probably familiar with the first two, but a lot of you may not have heard about the last one.
“Choose Your Own Adventure” was a series of books that was told in such a way that you, the main character, could choose the direction and outcome of the story and arrive at multiple endings. For example, let’s say you’re playing a kid detective investigating the disappearance of your freshly-baked cookies. Eventually you’d come to a point in the story where’d you have to make a decision. For example, let’s suppose you discovered that it was your brother that ate the cookies that you’d be saving for a special feast. The book would give you two choices at that point: (1) “If you beat the crap out of your little brother and chase him down the street, turn to page 23"; (2) “If you suppress the rage to beat the crap out of your little brother and just remind to never eat you cookies again, or else you will beat the crap out of him, turn to page 33.”
Needless to say, I always chose the more violent choice. The “Choose Your Own Adventure” series were filled with such lovely titles as “Journey Under The Sea”, “The Mystery at Chimney Rock”, “The Curse of Batterslea Hall”, “The Lost Jewels of Nabooti”, and “You Are A Shark!” - just to name a few. And it was my childhood dream to own… every… single… one… of… THEM! MINE!!!! MINE!!!! ALL THE “CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE” BOOKS WILL BE MINE.
Yes. I was a little boy version of Elektra King from THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH. Only I didn’t want to control the world’s oil supply - I wanted every fucking book in the “Choose Your Own Adventure” series. It is indeed as scary as it sounds. Especially when I would do a Bond Villain laugh at the dinner table.
Anyhow, the problem is these books weren’t all available overseas, and inevitably I had to resort to drastic options: get my relatives in the States to send me the books I didn’t have. I was a little a shy at first. But then when I realized that they always came through with what I asked for, I got a lot less shy. Downright brazen, actually. As in: “Could you make sure you don’t crease the covers next time? I mean, come on: I know you have to put the books in a box to mail it here and all, but is it asking too much for you to be a little careful? Am I asking for the moon here? I don't really think so. Oh, and here’s what else I’m missing in the series...”
Finally, my Dad had to sit me down and stop the madness. He told me that my relatives had to drive, like, 50 miles in the snow to the nearest bookstore every time I made a request. I guess he was trying to get me to cut back on my increasingly bold demands, and was trying to make me feel guilty. So when I replied with a very heartfelt “SO WHAT?” you can imagine how thrilled he was. Suffice it to say, that was the end of that brilliant plan.
Bottom line is I was gripped with what psychologists probably refer to as “Gimmeee Gimmeee Gimmeee Insanity.” Everyone is susceptible to this syndrome, but it first rears its head in childhood, and usually around Christmas. It’s when a kid (or anyone, really) gets the hankering for something so bad that if he (or she) had to choose between saving that “something” or her (or his) family from the jaws of a Great White Shark, guess who’s going to be dinner? And guess who’s going to be showing up at the orphanage the next day with a shiny toy?
“Gimme Gimme Gimme Insanity” is what grips the little hero of our next review. Ralphie Parker (Peter Billingsley) is a 9-year old in the 50’s (I guess it could be the 40’s) who is seriously jonesing for a Red Ryder BB Gun. Actually, “seriously jonesing” may not be strong enough a description. More like “frothing at the mouth” or “chomping at the bit.” And I mean those phrases literally. With his crazed bulging blue eyes and bared white teeth, Ralphie looks like pint-sized, tow-headed Charles Manson. And his next victim is Red Ryder BB Gun. Or maybe he’ll just use it on someone.
Anyhow, Ralphie tries his darndest to clue his parents (Melinda Dillon and Darren McGavin) to the fact that all he wants for Christmas is the Red Ryder BB Gun. Fuck his two front teeth. Unfortunately, Mom is far too busy encouraging his little brother Randy (Ian Petrella) to - and I swear to Jehoshaphat I’m not making this shit up - to eat like a pig in order to clean his plate. And when Ralphie finally lays his cards on the table for the bitch, she’s like: “Oh, honey, you’ll just shoot your eye out.” Fucking great… Or, as Ralphie himself says in one scene: “Son of a bitch!” Really.
To make matters worse, Ralphie pours his passion for the forbidden Red Ryder BB Gun into an essay at school. Sadly, just like with Mom, Miss Shields (Tedde Moore) grades it low and writes the following lovely missive at the bottom of the page: “You’ll just shoot your eye out.” If you thought Ralphie looked like a pint-sized, tow-headed Charlie Manson before, wait until you see the murderous look on his face in this scene. He’s so pissed he actually goes out onto the school yard and beats the living shit out of the school bully, Flick (Scott Schwartz), in a scene so very, very tragic yet also deeply, deeply hilarious.
So… Ralphie's last resort is to con his parents into letting him sit on Santa’s lap at the local mall and ask El Fattie in Red for the BB Gun. Never mind that Santa is played by a guy so scary I’m surprised he didn’t play the killer in BLACK CHRISTMAS. I guess Ralphie is just that desperate.
So… will Santa give Ralphie the gift that he wants? Or will Ralphie just have to give up his dream? Does Ralphie have another secret benefactor waiting in the wings for the right moment to make his dream come true? Or is everyone right? Will he just shoot his eye out? Or his brother’s? Or Ebenezer Scrooge’s?
Inquiring minds want to know. Me? I know I would have killed anyone standing between me and the last copy of “The Cave of Time.” Anyone.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Anyone who remembers what it was like to be a kid at Christmas and pine for that “special something” will like A CHRISTMAS STORY. Anyone who remembers what it was like to paw the wrapped presents under the Christmas Tree, trying to see if you recognized the size and shape of what was concealed within, will appreciate Ralphie’s quest for that Red Ryder BB Gun.
Peter Billingsley is dynamite as Ralphie, and much of A CHRISTMAS STORY’s mileage comes from his adorable performance. He effectively conveys Ralphie feistiness and single-minded, tunnel-vision focus on getting that BB Gun. Darren McGavin and Melinda Dillon are equally good as Ralphie’s parents. McGavin has this hilarious expression that is a mixture of disbelief, exasperation, and resignation that reminds me a lot of my own father’s face when one of us kids (or all of us together) would do something particularly stupid. Which was often.
At any rate, A CHRISTMAS STORY cuts right to heart of what it feels like for a child at Christmas. It perfectly realizes that electric air of anticipation that gets stronger and stronger as Christmas Eve - and the possibility of getting the perfect gift - draws near. For me, it was the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books. For Ralphie, it was the Red Ryder BB Gun.
What is it for you?
