(And you thought a bicycle kick was the coolest thing you’d ever see on the soccer field…)
CAST: Stephen Chow, Man Tat Ng, Wei Zhao, Tin Tse, Kai Man Tin, Chi Chung Lam, Chi Chiung Lam, Kwok-Kwan Chan.
DIRECTOR: Stephen Chow
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and gravity-defying, logic-busting, pants-wetting soccer antics straight ahead…
Some folks say that the earliest traces of soccer (AKA football) can be found in ancient China, around 200 B.C. Right around then, apparently, a game called tsu chu was the shiznit. Tsu means kick and chu means ball. Add that up, and it’s not too hard to imagine a bunch of ancient Chinese jocks executing wicked diving headers and launching thunderous volleys towards… a goal made of bamboo. Then running off to have a post-game cup of green tea or something. Then banging some groupie in a kimono or something. Oh, wait… kimonos are from Japan.
Whatever. Anyhow, I’ve been fascinated by soccer since I was a gangly high-schooler who tried to make the team - and subsequently struck out like ISHTAR on opening weekend. Evidently, the soccer captain thought that the stray cats hanging out in the trash dump behind the school had better soccer skills. And, well, he was right.
Too bad I didn’t know any martial arts, or else the following would’ve happened: (1) I would’ve dragged the soccer captain into that aforementioned back alley and beat the living shit out of him; and (2) I might have actually stood a chance at joining the soccer team? What do I mean? What does martial arts have to do with the ability to play soccer? Well, read on, grasshopper…
Our latest film is called SHAOLIN SOCCER, and it revolves around a bunch of underachieving bums who were once students at the same shaolin school, where they learned… Kung Fu. But we don’t get to meet these guys until later, though. First, we are introduced to “Golden Leg” Fung (Man Tat Ng) when he’s just an adolescent star soccer player in Shanghai. His nickname is the based on the fact that he can basically score a goal from anywhere on a pitch (field, to us Yanks).
Unfortunately, all that God-given soccer talent is kind of compromised by a cruel nature that must be Satan-given. To wit, Fung basically abuses fellow player Hung (Yin Tse), a shy dude completely unaware that his name is the name of an American cable series about a dude with a humongous cock. Or the fact that, if he were in the States, he’d be the most popular kid in school.
At any rate, Fung gets his comeuppance when he royally fucks up a penalty tie-breaker shot. Specifically, his “Golden Leg” turns out to be “Gold-Plated” and he kicks the ball over the goal and into the bleachers. Which leads the spectators to storm the field - and beat the shit out of him for losing the game. To make matters worse, one of the hooligans bashes one of his knees. Guess that leg ain’t so golden anymore, eh? Meanwhile, Hung walks away smirking, as if from some secret knowledge. And perhaps the realization that his name has a very special meaning in the English-speaking world.
Flash forward, like, forty years or something and we discover that Hung, evidently having a smaller dick than we thought, is now some sort of evil megalomaniac. How do I know he really ain’t, um, hung after all? Well, if he really did have a large sausage he wouldn’t be compensating by trying so hard to take over the goddamned world. He’d be drinking beer and shooting pool at a local bar and wielding the easygoing charm that comes with knowing you’ve got a torpedo in your pants capable of reducing someone’s crotch to orgasmic vapor. I’m just saying…
Meanwhile, in a rather hilarious role-reversal, Fung has basically turned into Hung’s lackey. Still encumbered from that mob-inflicted injury, Fung limps around Hung’s evil genius headquarters taking care of odd jobs (not the Bond villain - real tasks). Eventually, though, Hung realizes he has no use for the soccer player-turned-gimp and tells him to take a hike.
Forlorn, Fung wanders downtown Shanghai trying to find a new purpose in life. Hopefully one that is just a little less pathetic than the one he had before. I mean, when you end up your nemesis’ bitch-boy, that’s pretty much the jackpot of the Sad Sweepstakes. Fortunately, things take a turn for the better when Fung notices a young garbage collector, Sing (Stephen Chow), practicing his Kung Fu moves on the sidewalk.
After a brief introduction that ends badly for a passing female pedestrian (don‘t ask), Fung and Sing end up buddies. Well, sort of. Later on, Sing also makes the acquaintance of pretty but acne-ridden sweet bun maker, Mui (Wei Zhao), who knows how to use her hands and fingers. No, not that way. Perverts. To say the least, Sing is instantly smitten. After all, maybe her knowledge of handling sweet buns extends to the figurative sense, after all.
Anyhow, through a series of events that make the Looney Tunes cartoons look like gritty documentaries, Fung realizes the following things: (1) Sing’s kung fu moves would be ideal for soccer; (2) Sing should gather up his five other kung fu brothers and Mui to form a team; and (3) they should battle Hung’s band of superhuman players who have banded together to form, ahem, “Team Evil.” Yes, really.
Will Fung, Sing, Mui, and the rest of their rag-tag team of drunks, weirdos, and dorks stand a chance against Hung and Team Evil? Or will Team Evil whip their asses but good? Who will win the Soccer Match To End All Soccer Matches? And the most importance question of all: if Hung is really an insecure tyrant with a dick the size of gherkin, shouldn’t he, you know, change his fucking name?
Find out for yourselves. I need some more wine.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: I didn’t give SHAOLIN SOCCER a ***½ (good) rating because of its humor. It is indeed funny in a broad, yet surprisingly droll and clever way - but that is not its best quality. Nor did I bestow this rating because of its cast. While they seem competent and professional, it's not too easy to accurately gauge performances delivered in a foreign language - especially Chinese.
No. The reason I rate SHAOLIN SOCCER fairly high is because of the sheer brilliance and execution of its concept: a team that combines Kung Fu with soccer. The premise has never been done before and can truly be classified as original - and the execution is kinetic and visually dynamic. In short, this movie succeeds because it goes where no soccer flick - or any other flick, for that matter - has gone before.
I’ve always said that there is a certain grace to soccer that is both soft and hard at the same time. The same is true of Kung Fu, which displays fluid, hypnotic movement that can suddenly turn focused, lethal, and explosive. Like I mentioned to a friend the other day, I’m surprised no one thought of cinematically combining the two before.
Actor/director Stephen Chow brilliantly realizes this concept not only in the dynamic soccer matches between Team Kung Fu and Team Evil, but also in the physical exchanges between Fung, Sing, and Mui. In fact, physical movement is almost another form of dialogue in this film. Especially in those soccer matches, which bring to life metaphorical imagery like flaming balls, earth-shattering kicks, and death-defying kicks.
I shouldn’t say any more about SHAOLIN SOCCER, because as with Chow’s 2005 hit KUNG FU HUSTLE, this film’s greatest thrill is discovering it yourself. What I will say is its brings the most awesome game in the world to brilliant, hyper-real life with confidence, skill, and charm. The only reason it doesn’t get **** or higher is because there isn’t much soccer action in the first half…
… but watch out for that second half. GOAL!
