(Spelunking takes a dunking… Just like this movie)
CAST: Eddie Cibrian, Cole Hauser, Morris Chestnut, Marcel Iures, Lena Headey, Piper Perabo, Rick Ravanello, Kieran Darcy-Smith, Daniel Dae Kim.
DIRECTOR: Bruce Hunt
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and fine wetsuited bods getting chomped by some slimy buggers - straight ahead…
In my review for DEEP BLUE SEA (review # 144), I referenced what I termed the Body Count Creature Feature genre. Popularized by the immense success of ALIEN in 1979, this genre is governed by some cardinal rules: (1) the cast of characters is a group of bickering work colleagues or friends; (2) the setting is an isolated location that makes asking for help or escaping a slim possibility, such as an underwater lab, spaceship, oil rig, etc.; (3) the threat is a lethal creature (or creatures) that catches everyone by surprise; and (4) the action is comprised of the cast of characters getting knocked off one-by-one by said creature.
THE CAVE is yet another entry into the very crowded Body Count Creature Feature genre. In keeping with the rules of the genre, the cast is a group of highly-trained divers/spelunkers, the setting is a massive cave system discovered deep within the Carpathian mountains in Romania, and the lethal creature is… well, you’ll see. Suffice it to say that we’re not dealing with one simple villain here.
However, before we even meet our underwater adventurer heroes, we meet another group of derring-doers in the mid-1970’s as they first uncover the entrance to the cave system. Evidently, someone decided to build a church over the cave entrance, complete with paintings of monsters crawling out of a hole and battling knights. If this isn’t a sign that our derring-doers should just turn tail and head on back to the city for some dancing and drinking instead, I don’t know what it is. It’s about as obvious a danger marker as a billboard that says “Fucked Royally, All Ye Who Enter Here…”
It goes without saying that this group decides to abandon all logic and common sense and break the cave’s seal. Not much longer after that, an accident triggers a rockfall that, ahem, seals them all inside. With something that likes to make a sharp, scary, clicking sound very much similar to a bunch of preying mantis’ getting read for an orgy. Something nas-teh!
Cut to the present day, which would be 2005, and we finally get to meet our wetsuited adventurers, who are about to descend into the very same hellhole. And let me just say that I’ve seen some attractive casts in my day, but that of THE CAVE is definitely in the Top 3 Eye-Candy Casts of all time. Seriously. I bet the collective cheekbones of these folks could support the Golden Gate Bridge during an earthquake. Wouldn’t surprise me if each of these people were models before becoming actors. It shows in some of their acting, too. Which wouldn’t exactly give the Academy anything to froth over. Me-ow.
Anyhow, our hot-as-hell-but-soon-to-be-monster-kibble heroes are: (1) Tyler McAllister (Eddie Cibrian), who basically looks like Superman in a scuba suit; (2) Jack McAllister (Cole Hauser), who is Tyler’s older and crankier brother; (3) Top Buchanan (Morris Chestnust), token African-American dude woefully unaware of how much his name sounds like a gay porn star‘s; (4) Dr. Nicolai (Marcel Iures), Romanian scientist who invites Tyler’s group to investigate the cave in the first place; (5) Dr. Kathryn Jennings (Lena Headey), smokin’ hot British chick who unfortunately should also be known as “Dr. Obvious” considering her unerring capacity for pointing out shit that my cat figured out last Tuesday; (6) Charlie Something-Or-Other (Piper Perabo), tomboyish chick who has more of a swagger than all the guys on the team put together despite looking as hot as, well, Piper Perabo; (7) Alex Kim (Daniel Dae Smith), token Asian-American dude who is also some sort of techno-geek and always looks one heartbeat away from doing yoga; and (8) Strode (Kieran Darcy Smith), British dude who is… well, let’s just say he’s not around long enough to be worth knowing, so let’s move on.
So…. Our motley crew of wetsuited hotties descends into the same cave that ate up the crew from the 70’s because… well, because there wouldn’t be a fucking movie if they didn’t. And just like that team before them, something goes horribly wrong. As in Strode, the dumb shit, rams his underwater scooter into a rockface. Setting off an explosion that seals their exit route. Of course, to be fair, I should point out that the reason he crashed the scooter is because a rather ugly, vicious fish attacked him. So I suppose there are some mitigating circumstances besides the fact that Strode is just stupid.
This is our first sign that this cave will not be an ideal tourist trap for any future visitors to Romania. The second is the fact that our team of hottie heroes and heroines apparently have more to worry about than just being sealed in the cave system with some killer fish. No, sir. Evidently, the fish are just at the bottom of the food chain. This becomes clear when Kathryn finds part of a claw the looks like it could’ve come off a T-Rex. Our beautiful scientist thoughtfully examines this horrid evidence, then turns to the others and shares this earth-shattering revelation: “It’s definitely a predator.”
Thanks, Kat. Any other gems you want to share with us? Like tubby people shouldn’t wear spandex, or January is not the best time to visit Alaska if you hate snow? Where did you get your medical degree again?
Whatever. Our heroes soon find themselves tagging along after Jack, who is determined to find a way out. But does he know where he’s going? And why is he behaving strangely ever since he got bitten by one of the creatures? Why are his eyes changing into something vaguely (but disgustingly) reptilian? What else is waiting for them within the cave? Who will live? Who will die? And again I must ask, why is everyone in this movie so good-looking? I mean, they’re all just going to bite it, right?
I guess it’s better to watch a piece of eye candy get mauled by a monster than an eyesore.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Put simply, THE CAVE isn’t the worst entry into the Body Count Creature Feature genre. It has an attractive and competent cast, a reasonably engaging storyline, and decent monster effects.
Unfortunately, it also doesn’t do anything that numerous other entries have alread done before - and better. Furthermore, THE CAVE’s one potential saving grace - that cavern setting - isn’t used as well as it should to generate atmosphere and terror. For a film supposedly set in such confined spaces, it feels remarkably “wide open” - and that dampens the chill factor considerably. For a much more effective horror thriller set in a cave, see THE DESCENT from right around the same time. The film made you feel like you were trapped in the cave with the characters. So much so that it makes you re-think the idea of ever going into one.
THE CAVE, though, doesn’t have that effect. While the action and stalking scenes are technically well-done, they just don’t have much of punch. It doesn’t help that we get to the see the monsters in their entirety a little too early on. Unlike the classics of this genre like ALIEN and JAWS, THE CAVE reveals its beasts just a little too soon. The cardinal rule of horror films is “The Unseen Is Far Scarier Than What Can Be Seen.” The creators of THE CAVE seemed to have forgotten that.
Still, it’s a competent film, and the cast performs reasonably well. The direction is brisk and taut, and the setpieces are never boring. All this adds up to a film that is merely okay. Not good, not bad - just passable entertainment. Unlike THE DESCENT, which really lives up to its title: it’s a descent into terror and madness.
Don’t worry - THE DESCENT will be part of next week’s Wilderness Survival Movie theme. And you’ll see difference between it and THE CAVE, which basically hinges on the former remembering something that the latter didn't: “What you can’t see is sometimes far more terrifying than what you can…”
