(Think that’ll be on the tour?)
CAST: Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Lou Gossett Jr., Simon MacCorkindale, John Putch, Lea Thompson, Harry Grant, P.H. Moriarty, Liz Smith.
DIRECTOR: Joe Alves
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and solid thriller tropes making up for one rather fake-looking shark up ahead. Or is that… two fake-looking sharks. Ahem.
In 1975, a little film based on a bestselling novel about a New England island community terrorized by a marauding Great White shark was released in theatres across the country. It was directed by a young director fairly fresh out of film school. The movie proceeded to become a phenomenal box-office smash. It would go on to redefine the Monster sub-genre of the Horror Genre, spawn three sequels, inspire innumerable rip-offs, and establish the modern phenomenon known as the “Summer Event Movie.”
The novel was written by Peter Benchley. The director was Steven Spielberg. And the title of the movie was… JAWS.
Duh-dun… Duh-dun… Duh-dun… Duh-dun…
Marine horror would forever be associated with those two ominous notes from composer John Williams' score. JAWS’s staggering success naturally made Universal Pictures eager to cash in on more shark-mania. In 1978, JAWS 2 was released. Whereas the first film pitted three men played by Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, and Robert Shaw against the lethal Great White, the sequel basically turns the shark into an aquatic version of Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees as it relentlessly terrorized and picked off a group of teenagers set adrift in the Atlantic by their hormones and stupidity. Not necesarilly in that order. Chief Brody (Roy Scheider) does get to save the day. Most of the time, though, the focus is on his sons Mike and Sean as they hang out with their teenage buds.
JAWS 3 jettisons Pops completely and focuses on the now-grown sons. Mike (Dennis Quaid) is some sort of engineer scuba diver for Sea World in Florida. Sean (John Putch) is your basic horny college student who shows up to visit Big Bro in the Everglades State - and hopefully get some sun and pussy while he’s at it.
Speaking of pussy, both guys have good women in their lives: Mike has a deepening relationship with Dr. Kathryn Morgan (Bess Armstrong), Senior Biologist at Sea World and fellow diver who fills out a wetsuit quite nicely. Meanwhile, Sean has just met the vivacious sparkplug Kelly (Lea Thompson), one of the park’s acrobatic skiers who looks like she could suck a golf ball through fifty feet of garden hose. Lucky Sean. Needless to say, one of the traits that Chief Brody obviously passed on to his boys is the natural ability to be “Stone Cold Pimps.”
Anyhow, you’re probably wondering where the hell the shark is in all of this. Well, thanks for asking. See, in the first few minutes, we see Kelly and her posse doing some practice runs in the bay outside the park’s lagoon, giggling like a bunch of over-caffeinated dolphins. Not long after, they head back inside the lagoon, and we glimpse an, ahem, extremely large dorsal fin slide through the gates before they shut. You know how sometimes people will follow you into your building without using their own keys? This is kind of like that. But much, much, much, much more fucked up.
Sure enough, bad things start to happen within the Sea World park almost immediately: (1) Shelby Overman (Harry Grant), one of the park’s maintenance divers, is attacked by the shark while trying to repair the gate to the open sea; (2) a pair of divers/poachers raiding the lagoon’s coral reef are - you got it - attacked by the shark; and (3) the park’s resident prima donna dophins, Cindy and Sandy, start throwing tantrums like someone decided to feed them generic canned tuna instead of whatever fancy shit they’re obviously accustomed to having.
Kathryn, however, is at a loss to explain why Cindy and Sandy are so spooked. Before she can ponder this for much longer, though, Shelby’s girlfriend shows up all pissed off that he’s run out on her. Except it turns out that he’s left behind his: (1) passport; (2) driver’s license; and (3) credit cards. So either Shelby’s run off with the Princess of Monaco and has no need whatsoever to worry about cash ever again - or something really shitty has happened to him.
After learning that Shelby was last seen diving down to fix the seaward gates of the park, Mike and Kathryn decide to make like David and Maddie from MOONLIGHTING and investigate. They take one of the mini-subs (which looks fucking cool, by the way) and head out to see what’s what.
At some point, they end up taking mini-tanks and leaving the sub. They (and we) get a fright when something leaps out at them from the gloomy depths. But it’s just those two drama queens, Cindy and Sandy, pitching a major hissy fit. Prompting Kathryn and Mike to just glance at each other, as if to say: “I don’t know what the fuck they’ve been smoking. Do you?”
Before they can ponder what the hell has crawled up the dolphins’ buttcracks, Mike and Kathryn get the true scare - in the form of a ten-foot long Great White that comes out of nowhere, swims up to our heroes, flashes those teeth, and basically says: “Waaaaasssssuuuuppp, Bitches?”
As you can imagine, this has the same effect on Mike and Kathryn as bottle rockets being shoved up their asses and then set off. Still, if they think they can outrun a 10-foot long Great White, they’re dreaming. Fortunately, Cindy and Sandy decide to stop being a couple of prissy tramps and help their human friends out. Mike and Kathryn each grab a dorsal, slap the dolphins on the side, and yell “Get me to the Westin Downtown, fast!” Well, okay… Technically, the dock and any kind of dry land would be acceptable.
Mike and Kathryn make it out of the water just in time. The shark then tries to go after Cindy and Sandy, who basically give him the aquatic version of “The Finger” and lock themselves in their pens. The shark batters the gates in a blind rage for, like, a minute or two - then swims off to some underwater bar to take the edge off with a couple shots of Tequila.
Needless to say, this turn of events is a bit problematic for Calvin Bouchard (Lou Gossett, Jr.) the CEO of Sea World. It’s the eve of the unveiling of the newest addition to the park: the Undersea Kingdom - which is a series of submerged tunnels and restaurants that zig-zag through the lagoon so the visitors can spy on the fish even more. I wouldn’t be surprised if the fish actually telegrammed the Great White shark far out at sea to come and rescue them from being ogled constantly like some marine version of SLIVER.
At any rate, Bouchard orders Kathryn, Mike, and visiting stud-muffin photographer Phillip Fitzroyce (Simon MacCorkindale) to nab that Great White - and fast. And they eventually do. To wit, the following happen: (1) they lock up that ten-foot Great White in a pen of his own, (2) Cindy and Sandy high-five one another’s flippers, (3) Kathryn bangs both Mike and Phillip, (4) Bouchard jizzes himself with joy, (5) and Sea World unveils the Undersea Kingdom to an enthusiastic and approving public. And they all lived happily ever after.
Except the ten-foot Great White, because he has to listen to Cindy and Sandy chirp like a couple of over-caffeinated dolphins. Which, I guess, they are…
The End.
Ok. Not really. While they do catch and sequester the ten-foot Great White, Kathryn doesn’t bang Mike and Phillip because she’s a one-man woman - and her heart belongs to Mike. Bouchard does indeed jizz himself with joy, though, because his park has the distinction now of being the only one with a live Great White. Although at only ten feet long, he’s kind of a runt. And the Grand Opening of the Undersea Kingdom attraction does turn out to be a hit...
...until that ten-foot runt Great White’s angry Mama shows up. And she’s thirty-five feet long. 35, people. 3... 5... 35. 35 FEET LONG. THE FUCKING MAMA SHARK IS 35 FEET LONG!!!
Apparently, her fin was the one we glimpsed sneaking into the park after the skiers. And like a pregnant crackwhore who just wants to download her little bundle of joy already, she squeezed out our ten-foot firecracker that Kathryn and Mike thought was the worse of their problems…
Will the 35-foot Great White tear Sea World apart as revenge for Junior getting nabbed? Is she suffering from post-partum depression? Will Kathryn and Mike be able to stop her? Or will Mama Shark eat them? What about Bouchard? What about Sean and Kelly? Who’s going to wind up as aquatic prime rib? Who will live to tell the tale? And why does Mama Shark growl like Christian Bale as Batman when she’s about to kill someone?
Whatever. I just want to go to Sea World now. Great White shark or not…
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Maybe it’s because I’ve always wanted to be a marine biologist. Maybe it’s because I’m an avid scuba diver. Maybe it’s because I’ve always wanted to work for SEA WORLD. Or maybe JAWS 3 is really just not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. In any case, I actually like this film.
True, the shark effects are generally mediocre and, with the exception of a few tense sequences - such as when Mike and Kathryn are first attacked by the baby Great White, and when Phillip is cornered by the angry Mama Shark - much of the underwater action is hard to discern and shot in near-darkness. Also, many underwater shots of the theme park’s lagoon are obviously animation of some sort.
What saves JAWS 3, though, are the engaging characters and performances of its likable cast. Also, the “monster-loose-in-the-theme park” approach of this movie predates JURASSIC PARK by a good nine years. In this regard, I’ve always thought of JAWS 3 as being more similar to ALIEN than JAWS.
Ultimately, its theme-park setting and the sinister threat lurking just below its pleasant surfaces raises JAWS 3 above the average mark. At least JAWS 3 tries to do something different with the formula, instead of being a near-carbon copy retread like JAWS 2 was - which, while well-made and exciting, was also too familiar in plot and tone to JAWS.
However, the film’s interesting and varied cast also makes up for the disappointing special effects. Dennis Quaid shows his leading man chops here and turns Mike Brody into a guy that anyone would love to have a beer and joke around with - and also have him by their side in the middle of an emergency. As for the female lead, Bess Armstrong’s Kathryn Morgan is a good match for Mike, as Armstrong is for Quaid. Kathryn has a nice way of asserting her authority without turning into a bitch. She always tends to diffuse tense situations with a dry sense of humor and positive attitude. It’s this humanity present in both Mike and Kathryn that keep our sympathies and interest firmly focused on them and their survival.
The supporting stars are all solid and equally quirky and well-drawn. Lou Gossett Jr. gives some nice nuances to the role of Calvin Bouchard, the Sea World tycoon who seems to only care about the bottom line - but then shows some remorse when everything starts going south. John Putch and Lea Thompson are fun, sexy, and spunky as Sean and Kelly, the film’s secondary (but equally imperiled) couple. Thompson would follow this turn with her star-making appearance in BACK TO THE FUTURE a couple of years later.
The strongest performance from the supporting cast, though, is the late British actor Simon MacCorkindale, who plays celebrated alpha-male photographer Philip Fitzroyce. When we first meet him, he’s hitting on Kathryn pretty hard - and we think he‘s being positioned as some jerk rival against Mike. But as the story goes on, MacCorkindale reveals hidden shadings to the character, showing him to be surprisingly honorable and selfless. MacCorkindale brings the same blend of potent masculine screen presence and unexpected integrity to JAWS 3 as he did in the TV series FALCON CREST.
Had the special effects been up-to-par with the rest of the film, JAWS 3 would likely be better-remembered than it is. In my humble opinion, though, the “monster-loose-in-Sea World” premise is a clever and potent one - as JURASSIC PARK would prove in 1993. It’s unfortunate that technology wasn’t better at the time of JAWS 3. With all the scripted underwater action, some good effects would’ve made a better film.
As it is, though, JAWS 3 is an overlooked and misunderstood entry into the series that tries to tweak the formula by blending some elements of ALIEN into it - and it almost works. Too bad about those special effects. Sigh…
In closing, I’d like to dedicate this review to the memory of actor Simon MacCorkindale, who turned in one of his best performances in this film. And, very unfortunately, left us very recently.
Fair winds and following seas, sir...
