Hello, folks... Before the celebrations get too far along, please allow me to say the following to you all, wherever you may be in the World:
Felice Anno Nuovo! Buon Anno! Manigong Bagong Taon! Saale Nao Mubbarak! Gelukkige nuwe jaar! Gezuar Vitin e Ri! Snorhavor Nor Tari! Kul 'am wa antum bikhair! Sheta Brikhta! Yeni Iliniz Mubarek! Noki saal mubarrak bibi! Shuvo Nabo Barsho! Bloavezh Mat! Chestita Nova Godina! Soursdey Chhnam Tmei! FELIÇ ANY NOU! Nuo bazzor bekkunore! Xin Nian Kuai Le! Pace e Salute! Sretna Nova godina! Blwyddyn Newydd Dda! Stastny Novy rok! Godt Nytår! Ufaaveri Aa Aharakah Edhen! GELUKKIG NIEUWJAAR! Kiortame pivdluaritlo! Felican Novan Jaron! Head uut aastat! MELKAM ADDIS AMET YIHUNELIWO! RUHUS HADUSH AMET! Onnellista Uutta Vuotta! Bonne Annee! Bliadhna mhath ur! Bo Nadal e Feliz Aninovo! Prosit Neujahr! GILOTSAVT AKHAL TSELS! Kenourios Chronos! Nutan Varshbhinandan! Hauoli Makahiki Hou! L'Shannah Tovah! Naye Varsha Ki Shubhkamanyen! Sun Leen Fai Lok! Boldog Új Évet Kivánok! Selamat Tahun Baru! Sal -e- no mobarak! Sanah Jadidah! Bliain nua fe mhaise dhuit! Felice anno nuovo! Akimashite Omedetto Gozaimasu! Asegwas Amegaz! Hosa Varushadha Shubhashayagalu! SOMWAKA OMOYIA OMUYA! Saehae Bock Mani ba deu sei yo! Laimingu Naujuju Metu! Sabai dee pee mai! Srekjna Nova Godina! Tratry ny taona! Selamat Tahun Baru! Nveen Varshachy Shubhechcha! Is-Sena t-Tajba! Nawa Barsha ko Shuvakamana! Godt Nyttår! Nua Barshara Subhechha! Nupela yia i go long yu! Nawai Kall Mo Mubarak Shah! Sal -e- no mobarak! Manigong Bagong Taon! Szczesliwego Nowego Roku! Feliz Ano Novo! Nave sal di mubarak! AN NOU FERICIT! Manuia le Tausaga Fou! Sretna nova godina! Nayou Saal Mubbarak Hoje! Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa! Nawan Saal Shala Mubarak Theevay! Stastny Novy rok! sreèno novo leto! Iyo Sanad Cusub Oo Fiican! Feliz Ano ~Nuevo! Heri Za Mwaka Mpyaº! GOTT NYTT ÅR! /Gott nytt år! Warsa Enggal! Eniya Puthandu Nalvazhthukkal! Losar Tashi Delek! Noothana samvatsara shubhakankshalu! Sawadee Pee Mai!! Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun! Shchastlyvoho Novoho Roku! Naya Saal Mubbarak Ho! Yangi Yil Bilan! Chuc Mung Tan Nien! Blwyddyn Newydd Dda!
And last, but not the least: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
Again, please excuse me if I screwed up your country's greeting above. I just want to say thank you for your patronage during this past year. I look forward to another year of celebrating the gift of movies with all of you. Nothing brings the World together like soccer, Christmas, New Year's Eve, and... movies.
Here's to an exciting and wonderful 2012, and in the words of Mahatma Gandhi, let's have the courage to be the change we want to see in the World... And in my words: Laugh Now. Live Now. Love Now.
Have fun, and please be safe tonight - wherever in the World you and your family may be. I hope this message finds all of you in the best of spirits and circumstances. If not, please hang in there and try to have fun anyway - things will get better.
Now, please excuse me. It's time to dance the night away on our balcony...
SUNSHINE (2007 - ACTION / THRILLER / SCI-FI) ***** out of *****
(Better get those sunglasses ready…)
CAST: Chris Evans, Cillian Murphy, Michelle Yeoh, Rose Byrne, Cliff Curtis, Hiroyuki Sanada, Troy Garity, Benedict Wong, Mark Strong.
DIRECTOR: Danny Boyle
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and several compelling reasons not to ever take the sun for granted - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: It’s the year 2057, and our sun has been colder than a witch’s tit for several decades now. Earth has launched the spacecraft “Icarus 2” to travel all the way to the sun and launch a nuclear missile at it - in a last-ditch effort to rev it up again before mankind freezes to death. Now, I’m no nuclear physicist so I’m in no position to prove or disprove that particular tactic. Let’s just hope it works, because the phrase “permanent solar winter” isn’t particularly inviting. Oh, and the reason the mission is called “Icarus 2” is because the previous mission called “Icarus” launched seven years ago to do the same thing, simply vanished mysteriously. Not a good sign, folks. Especially since the crew of “Icarus 2” is fairly delicious. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to their fine asses.
They are: (1) Mace (Chris Evans), ultra-hot pilot who forever looks pissed off (that’s okay - I like brooding guys); (2) Capa (Cillian Murphy), very hot scientist who is forever brawling with Mace (must be repressed sexual desire); (3) Corazon (Michelle Yeoh), very hot scientist who likes to call Mace “flyboy” (don’t worry, Cory, I’d be calling him stuff, too - like “ChewToy” or “TubeSteak“); (4) Cassie (Rose Byrne), very hot scientist whom Capa is banging (can’t say I blame him - she looks like Rose Byrne); (5) Harvey (Troy Garity), very hot cryptographer or something who is also forever arguing with Mace (more frustrated sexual desire - Mace does look like Chris Evans, after all, and they’re all cooped up on that ship for years - I’d be “fighting” with him, too); (6) Kaneda (Hiroyuki Sanada), very hot Zen-like captain of the mission who must have an endless supply of Valium and Vicodin somewhere on the ship (everyone else looks like they could use it - pass that shit around, dude); (7) Searle (Cliff Curtis); very hot dude who doesn’t seem to do much but walk around wearing aviator sunglasses (in space - you do the math); and (8) Trey (Benedict Wong) sorta hot dude whose competence level is just about higher than that of a comatose turtle (which means, he’s dead meat).
In short, their mission is to basically set off a nuclear explosion on a great big ball of fire - and hightail it away from there in time to survive the blast. And I thought trying to get Blake Lewis to deejay my New Year’s Eve party was an impossible task…
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Toss up between Mace and Capa. If these two make it back to Earth, there better be some huge medals waiting for them - for their huge balls.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: As hot as the rest of the cast is, you already know who this award is going to, right?
Burp. Belch. Aaaaaaaahhhhhh….
MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Mace trying to repair the coolant to save the nuclear payload - and the entire mission. Now that’s sacrifice. Talk about taking one for the team. Sniffle…
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: That final shot at the very end of the movie - and that’s all I’m going to say…
HOTTEST SCENE: Well, since this is a movie about astronauts flying into the sun, there’s a lot of “temperature-hot” scenes. But if we’re talking “sexiness-hot” (and we always are), then this award has to go to the scene where Mace intensely reminds everyone that “Nothing - NOTHING! - matters except completing our mission! Not even our lives!!!” What is it about Chris Evans yelling at someone that makes me so frickin’ hot?
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will the crew of “Icarus 2” succeed in launching the nuclear payload? But even if they do, will this actually revive the sun? Or will it have a catastrophic side effect and kill them all anyway? Is Mace right when he says they are all expendable? Will everyone agree? Or will some of them behave selfishly and against the greater good? Who will it be? And what happens when they discover the remains of “Icarus 1” floating just beyond the orbit of Mercury? Will they discover the reason why the previous mission failed? And what will they do when it turns out that “something” is onboard “Icarus 1”? Will they be able to defend themselves? Or will “it” kill them all before they can reach the sun? Will Earth freeze? All I can say is this: the idea of an oncoming “permanent solar winter” is enough to make me move to Hawaii for good.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SUNSHINE”: If you like sci-fi thrillers that are original, scary, seductive, lyrical, exciting, beautiful, poetic, and powerful - all at the same time. And if you are a fan of Danny Boyle, Chris Evans, Cillian Murphy, Michelle Yeoh, or Rose Byrne - who all turn in some of their strongest work here.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SUNSHINE”: If you like your sci-fi thrillers to be more straightforward and more action-intensive. While there is a lot of action in SUNSHINE, there’s also a lot of moody sensuality and cerebral atmosphere. Your call…
BUT, SERIOUSLY: In our review for DÉJÀ VU (review # 379), we talked about how that film was such a dynamic, one-of-a-kind movie-going experience - so much so that it deserved the coveted ***** (five star) rating of “Spectacular” I bestowed upon it. Despite some sizable suspensions of disbelief, DÉJÀ VU successfully dazzled, entertained, and moved. Quite frankly, while there are other films with similar elements of time travel and action out there, none of them are quite like this one.
Now, in our latest review for SUNSHINE, we find ourselves in the same territory. Like DÉJÀ VU, this film requires us to suspend our disbelief - and accept that a space crew launching a nuclear device at the sun will re-ignite it and save mankind. Fortunately, as with DÉJÀ VU, SUNSHINE has a perfect combination of a talented cast, confident director, and thoughtful script to turn it into a similarly unique movie-going experience. While there are other films out there about “doomed” space missions, none of them are quite like SUNSHINE - and that is largely due to its terrific cast, director, and script.
Let’s talk about the cast. They are a very interesting bunch, including physically. While you have your “leading man” and “leading woman” types like Chris Evans, Cillian Murphy, and Rose Byrne, you also have your “quirky character” types like Troy Garity and Cliff Curtis, and also your “foreign talent” like Michelle Yeoh, Hiroyuki Sanada, and Benedict Wong. It’s a truly international cast. Another director might have insisted on a more “vanilla” group of American performers, but Boyle aspires for a more colorful, varied bunch. And what’s even better is how great they all are - and how well they mesh with one another.
I’ve been a fan of Chris Evans ever since I first saw him in NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE (review # 61) way back in 2001. But it’s not only because of his sheer beauty. Sure, the guy is probably one of the TOP 3 most handsome men on Earth, but looks are only skin deep - and there‘s always another cute guy around the corner, believe me. No, what I adore about this guy is his combo of talent, intelligence, humility, humor, intensity, and - above all - his passion for movies, acting, and storytelling that never fails to come across in conversations, fan encounters, and interviews. And, most importantly, in his roles.
While he’s best known for his “loose and sexy and fun” parts in the FANTASTIC FOUR movies, CELLULAR, and WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER?, he’s also just as interesting (if not more) when he’s playing serious, intense men in movies like CAPTAIN AMERICA, THE PERFECT SCORE, PUNCTURE, and… SUNSHINE. His role in SUNSHINE is one of my favorites because of Mace’s credo of “service before self”. This is a guy who comes from a military background - and understands that you have to be ready to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. And that’s something I can totally relate to. Evans brings Mace to life with a riveting combo of passionate intensity and brave selflessness. I want this guy on my space crew. Also, Evans says that his favorite of all his films is SUNSHINE - and I can understand why. Mace is one of his best characters - and one of his most memorable performances.
Complementing Evans quite nicely as the more mellow and laid-back Capa is Cillian Murphy. With his sculpted cheekbones and sleepy eyes, Murphy is perfect for the role of someone who is just as brave as Mace - but doesn’t realize it until Mace forces it out of him. Mace and Capa’s confrontations and arguments eventually give way to a mutual respect - especially when Capa realizes that Mace is absolutely right when he says that their mission is bigger than all of their lives put together. The final scenes where Capa and Mace communicate by radio to set up the payload are heartbreaking, made even more poignant by the rapport that Evans and Murphy bring to their characters.
Rose Byrne and Michelle Yeoh are vivid as the female crew members. I was relieved to see that neither Cassie nor Corazon were turned into “Ripley” wannabes. Instead, these women are capable, resourceful, intelligent women who are believably human and just trying to get their jobs done - not super-heroines. Same goes for Captain Kaneda as played by Hiroyuki Sanada. Sanada brings a nice calm elegance to his role - typical of his Japanese background, I suppose. It’s nice to see Sanada in a big Hollywood production such as this, after his equally interesting role in the Japanese hit RINGU - the film that set off the “Asian Horror” craze and its subsequent American remake mania.
Cliff Curtis, Troy Garity, and Benedict Wong round out the “Icarus 2” crew with equally good performances. Garity, by the way, is Jane Fonda’s son - and it shows. He has the stellar acting genes of his mother, as well as those “movie star” good looks. Mark Strong also delivers as the movie’s (*SPOILER ALERT*) secret villain onboard the derelict vessel of “Icarus 1”. The sight of his character running around the abandoned spaceship like a burned phantom is terrifying, and gives SUNSHINE some of the feel of the classic space thriller ALIEN.
Indeed, if there’s a movie that I could compare SUNSHINE to, it would be ALIEN. While SUNSHINE doesn’t have a rampaging monster, it still shares that classic’s sense of slow-building dread and moody beauty. Director Danny Boyle isn’t afraid to let a shot linger on and on at a languid pace or let his characters sit in silence - much like Ridley Scott did with ALIEN. Most directors these days would be rushing to cut to the next scene - and having their actors blab away. It makes you wonder if they have Attention Deficit Disorder - or if they think we audiences do. They seem to have forgotten that silence can sometimes express more than words, and letting it unfold can sometimes be the best thing for characterization. Fortunately, Danny Boyle and Ridley Scott remembered - and ALIEN and SUNSHINE are all the stronger because of it.
Then there’s the script, written by Alex Garland (28 DAYS LATER - review coming) which weaves in potent themes of loyalty and sacrifice. In essence, most of the characters in SUNSHINE sacrifice themselves in one way or another - so the mission will go on and succeed. The biggest sacrifices, however, come from Mace and Capa at the end. Indeed, there’s a sense of sad inevitability to this film that gets stronger and stronger as it approaches the climax. Aided by a wonderfully evocative score by John Murphy, Danny Boyle expertly turns this space journey into a study of the human spirit - and how selfless and noble it can be. The finale is one that you’ll remember for a while to come.
In the end, SUNSHINE is a surprisingly poetic and lyrical take on the standard “imperiled space crew” premise. It’s made memorable by an atypical cast, their unconventional director, and Alex Garland’s haunting script. Just as Boyle and Garland turned 28 DAYS LATER into a soulful and thoughtful take on the “Zombie Apocalypse” genre, they turn SUNSHINE into a haunting journey into space and all its mysteries. Bravo, team SUNSHINE…
In closing, please hear a snippet of John Murphy's exceptional score for SUNSHINE, and meet the brave men and women of "Icarus 2". Then check-out the brand-new teaser trailer for next summer’s PROMETHEUS - which is Ridley Scott’s unofficial-sorta-prequel to ALIEN. And did I mention it stars Charlize Theron? Can’t wait…
YOUNG ADULT (2011 - COMEDY / DRAMA) ***1/2 out of *****
(Visitor from the Planet of the Drunk Biyatches…)
CAST: Charlize Theron, Patton Oswalt, Patrick Wilson, Elizabeth Reaser, Collette Wolfe, Jill Eikenberry, Mary Beth Hurt.
DIRECTOR: Jason Reitman
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and several compelling reasons not to ever date the most popular girl in high school - straight ahead….
IT’S LIKE THIS: Mavis Gary (Charlize Theron) is a Minneapolis chick who is some serious bad juju. Despite the fact that she’s already in her late 30’s, Mavis acts like she’s still the high school queen and drinks herself into oblivion on a regular basis. Which might be okay, but she’s also kind of an awful scumbag, despite looking as pretty as Charlize Theron. Which makes it such a shocking surprise that her husband recently divorced her. He’s probably out there right now throwing a party and celebrating with someone more fun, gracious, and intelligent. I guess looks aren’t everything, huh? Mavis, for her part, decides to pick herself up and move forward by… going back to her hometown of Mercury, Minnesota and stealing her high school sweetheart, Buddy Slade (Patrick Wilson) from his wife Beth (Elizabeth Reaser). Yes, sir, that’s her recovery plan. Let’s just say that Mavis Gary is who they are talking about when they say, “Shiny on the outside, rotten on the inside”. In other words, beware which apples you pick up. You could wind up with a Mavis Gary instead of a Granny Smith.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Matt Fruehauf (Patton Oswalt), the nerd that Mavis went to high school with, and with whom she forms an unexpected sort-of friendship when she comes home to enact her “master plan“. If anyone can talk some sense into Mavis’s head, it’s Matt. Or is it? Good luck, dude…
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Charlize Theron is pretty smokin’, but her character is so unpleasant, unkind, and ungracious that she actually starts to look ugly and withered to us. I guess that’s a testament to Theron’s performance. So, the award must go to Patrick Wilson as Mavis’s high school sweetheart.
MOST INTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Anytime Matt tells Mavis like it is: that she’s basically a Psycho Bitch From Hell. This happens a lot in this movie...
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Mavis getting all dolled up for a party to impress Buddy, only to have Beth accidentally spill red wine all over her dress. There goes the neighborhood…
HOTTEST SCENE: Any scene where Matt tells Mavis like it is. There’s just something sexy about a guy who takes the bull by the horns - or the bitch by the tits.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Mavis finally realize what a rotten and sad person she is? Will Matt be able to help her with this realization? Or is he going to throw his hands up and give up on her like her husband did? Will Mavis wreck Buddy’s marriage? Does Buddy love her, too? Or is he loyal to Beth? How will Mavis save herself? If at all? Does she even deserve to be saved? Well, let’s put it this way: she may look like Charlize Theron, but her insides look like Gollum from the HARRY POTTER series. Inner beauty is what counts, folks…
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “YOUNG ADULT”: If you like screenwriter Diablo Cody’s acid brand of humor, showcased so well in JUNO. And if you love the multi-faceted, talented, and fearless Charlize Theron, who is that rare actress who can play against her beauty.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “YOUNG ADULT”: If you want your heroines to actually be, you know, likable and sympathetic. If so, steer very clear of this movie.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: With her Academy-Award winning screenplay for JUNO, Diablo Cody established herself as someone who could create a comic world that is both sweet and snarky at the same time, without each compromising the other. JUNO was easily one of the most memorable films of the past decade, and it certainly semaphored good things for Cody. Her follow-up was the fun but ultimately pointless horror/thriller JENNIFER’S BODY starring Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried. The film was meant to tap into Cody’s deep love for B-Horror movies, and was echoed a little in JUNO with the lead character’s expansive knowledge of cult films.
In comparison to JENNIFER’S BODY and JUNO, Cody’s third writing effort is a much more daring and provocative affair. But not necessarily more enjoyable. YOUNG ADULT doesn’t have a sympathetic heroine the way those other two movies did. Here, the lead character is downright unlikable and practically irredeemable. There are a couple of moments in the latter part of the film where it looks like Mavis just might realize what a horrible person she is, but not being intelligent and self-aware enough, she fumbles it. The result is tragic and amusing at the same time. And Charlize Theron delivers a brave performance that never once tries to court audience sympathy. She presents Mavis, warts and all, and leaves it up to us to assess her. And my assessment is this: Mavis Gary is someone you don’t want to be around, let alone look at, because her beauty is compromised by a truly rotten personality - and Theron’s performance is so vivid and precise, that you eventually begin to see less and less of her beauty, and more of that inner ugliness. It’s an amazing performance, and one that should be remembered come Academy Awards time.
The supporting cast is excellent, led by the awesome Patton Oswalt as Matt, the unexpected friend that Mavis makes, and the guy who tries his best to get through to her. Oswalt and Theron have a nicely warm rapport, and the scenes between Matt and Mavis are easily YOUNG ADULT’s best. You can’t help but hope that he can “cure” her - and save her from herself. But you also can’t help but wish he’d get the hell away from her while he can, because she’s probably not worth the effort. Oswalt, along with Theron, are the true standouts of this film.
Patrick Wilson and Elizabeth Reaser are good as the married couple that Mavis tries to break-up. Some of the scenes of Mavis, Buddy, and Beth are so cringe-inducing that you have to give credit to all of the actors for getting you to feel so uncomfortable. That’s the mark of a vivid performance. Because Mavis is so unlikable, our sympathies automatically shift to Buddy and Beth, and hope that they survive Mavis’s onslaught.
In the end, though, as lauded and praised as YOUNG ADULT is, it’s not the kind of movie that I would want to see again. The main character is so unpleasant and, ultimately, completely unattractive. If I did see it again, it would be just to admire Charlize Theron’s fearless performance. For her, I would do it. In the end, though, it’s just a solidly good film. But, enjoyment-wise, it’s no JUNO.
BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006 - HORROR / REMAKE) *1/2 out of *****
(Ugh…)
CAST: Katie Cassidy, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert, Crystal Lowe, Andrea Martin, Kristen Cloke, Michelle Trachtenberg, Oliver Hudson, Jessica Harmon, Kathleen Kole, Leela Savasta, Robert Mann.
DIRECTOR: Glen Morgan
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some very compelling reasons to get your ass on that first plane, train, bus, or car headed home - just as soon as finals are over, straight ahead….
IT’S LIKE THIS: In this lame remake of the 1974 proto-slasher BLACK CHRISTMAS, eight sorority sisters (Katie Cassidy, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert, Crystal Lowe, Michelle Trachtenberg, Leela Savasta, Kathleen Cole, Jessica Harmon) and their dippy housemother (Andrea Martin) stay behind in their house over the Holidays. Normally, that would be sucky enough. But it turns out that a family massacre occurred at the house like, a hundred years ago or some shit, before it became a sorority house. And to further turdify the Christmas punch bowl, the whackjob maniac (Robert Mann) responsible has just escaped from his loony bin - and he wants to come home for Christmas. And he ain’t gonna be too happy to find out his childhood home has been taken over by a bunch of skanks. Guess they should’ve called it RED CHRISTMAS. Or better yet, they shouldn’t have made it at all…
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Unlike the similarly-plotted but much, much better-executed SORORITY ROW, this flick is filled with chicks who have the survival instincts of moths - as in: instead of fleeing from danger, they run right into the goddamn thing. But if I had to pick one heroic gal, it would be Kelli (Katie Cassidy) - who is the only blonde in the cast, and is probably the smartest. Go, girl! Bust that “Dumb Blonde Stereotype!”
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: All the girls are hot, especially Katie Cassidy, Crystal Lowe, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead - but I have to go with Oliver Hudson on this one, who plays Kelli’s unfaithful boyfriend Kyle:
MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: We’re picking for crumbs here, but I guess the scene where Dana (Lacey Chabert) does the “Dumb Horror Movie Chick” thing and crawls under the house to fix the power…. It’s really not even all that scary. But when you’re picking for crumbs, folks…
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: The stupid scene where these chicks FINALLY decide to leave the house - and STILL fuck up their escape. My. GOD. LADIES. What the HELL is your PROBLEM? It’s easy: open the door, then FUCKING RUN! And keep on RUNNING!. What the FUCK?
HOTTEST SCENE: Like I said, these chicks are all very hot. But they’re too busy being dense and getting killed to, you know, paw each other and shit. And Kyle refuses to prance around in nothing but a Santa hat and jockstrap, like I kept hoping for... Which is inexplicable since he’s supposed to be a frat boy. Why no skin? WHY!?!?! Another reason I hate this film…
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will any of these lemmings survive? Who cares? Well, that’s not entirely true: I would like Kelli and Kyle to live. But everyone else? Fuck them.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “BLACK CHRISTMAS”: If you like to watch thoroughly misguided, not to mention utterly ill-conceived and executed, remakes to classic horror movies. And if you don’t mind torturing your brain for 90 minutes. If so, God be with you…
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “BLACK CHRISTMAS”: If you like your horror flicks to, you know, actually be decent. And if you love the original 1974 classic, in which case this film will send you into paroxysms of rage and disbelief.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: When the original BLACK CHRISTMAS was released back in 1974, it paved the way for the rise of the Slasher Genre. HALLOWEEN (1978) is often cited as the Granddaddy of the Modern Slasher Film, but that is not entirely accurate. That title truly belongs to BLACK CHRISTMAS. While HALLOWEEN was the bigger box-office hit and is indeed a great film, it basically just took the tropes established by BLACK CHRISTMAS and turbo-charged them. The fact remains, however, that HALLOWEEN didn’t create them. BLACK CHRISTMAS did.
Those tropes are as follows: (1) an isolated setting; (2) a young cast of characters who are imperiled; and (3) a vicious killer who targets them one-by-one until only one (usually referred to as “The Final Girl”) is left to confront the killer. BLACK CHRISTMAS presented all these elements in such a scary, hypnotic way that the movie stayed with you long after the end credits stopped rolling. And its ending is one of the most unforgettably terrifying endings of all time, which is something that HALLOWEEN even tried to imitate but couldn’t top.
With the recent craze for horror classic remakes that eventually brought us new versions of PROM NIGHT, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, HALLOWEEN, APRIL FOOL’S DAY, and MY BLOODY VALENTINE, it’s only natural that the one that started it all in the first place would be given the same treatment. When I heard in 2005 that BLACK CHRISTMAS was being remade and had begun casting, I was thrilled. That excitement, however, was tempered by a certain apprehension. What if they screw it up? I comforted myself with the idea that the remake didn’t have to be as good as the original - just good enough.
Turns out I would be very disappointed. Put simply, the remake is terrible. It is staggering to note just how much the new film gets wrong compared to the original. Whereas BLACK CHRISTMAS 1974 was an unsettling exercise in mood, dread, and gradually-escalating terror, BLACK CHRISTMAS 2006 destroys any chance of decent atmosphere and suspense by revealing too much about the killer’s backgrond, giving us too many characters (flat ones at that), and going overboard with the gore. These are simply the major points the remake seriously fumbles, but I assure you there are many minor ones.
Whereas the original purposefully kept “Billy’s” history a mystery, and only gave us some disturbing clues to piece together, the remake practically spells everything out - leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. And what is left to the imagination can be more terrifying than anything overtly explained. This might have been tolerable or even forgivable if director Glen Morgan hadn’t concocted the most patently absurd backstory possible. It ends up being so over-the-top that it ultimately fails to be scary - and is just ridiculous. And this seriously neuters the killer, making him much less of a threat.
Then there are the characters. In the original, we had a total of four sorority sisters and the housemother. In the remake we have EIGHT sorority sisters PLUS the housemother PLUS the older sister of one of the girls who shows up unexpectedly PLUS the heroine’s boyfriend. So, basically, the cast more than doubles in number. Again, all this might be okay if Morgan and his writers had done a good job of fleshing them out and making them all distinct from one another. Unfortunately, they don’t - and it becomes difficult to tell the girls apart. With the exception of Katie Cassidy as Kelli, Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Heather, and Crystal Lowe as Lauren, all the other girls look and sound alike. This was not an issue in BLACK CHRISTMAS ‘74, where the four main girls were all distinct and vivid enough for us to register as solid characters - which made us more concerned for their survival. In BLACK CHRISTMAS ‘06, we see most of them as interchangeable with each other - and we don’t care if they make it or not. Katie Cassidy, Crystal Lowe, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead are likable, but they don’t get much help from the script.
Then there’s the gore. Now, let me be upfront and say I have a strong stomach, but that doesn’t mean I like gore in my horror films. If anything, I prefer the movies that try to frighten us through mood, suspense, and dread - instead of throwing gross stuff at us. And that is exactly what BLACK CHRISTMAS ‘74 did quite well. Even though the film has several murders, there’s only one that is somewhat bloody - and even then it is done with restraint. In the remake, however, we get explicit cannibalism, mutilations, eye-gougings, bludgeoning, etc. - and even more in the United Kingdom version of the movie. It’s just all so thoroughly unpleasant. Basically, what the original film only hinted at, the remake blatantly and repellently exposes. In the end, this movie leaves you with a sick feeling. Instead of the scary one that the original film did.
In the end, BLACK CHRISTMAS 2006 is a textbook example of how to take a beloved and formidable classic - and screw it up so thoroughly. And if there was a horror film that deserved a worthy remake, it was BLACK CHRISTMAS 1974. As it is, this remake is the second worse one I’ve seen, after the remake to APRIL FOOL’S DAY. Even the PROM NIGHT remake is better, and that is saying something.
(Kevin McAllister, 23 - Dumbass Burglars - Big Fat 0…)
CAST: Macaulay Culkin, Catherine O‘Hara, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, John Heard, Roberts Blossom, Kieran Culkin.
DIRECTOR: John Hughes
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some very compelling reasons to not half-ass your headcounts before leaving on holiday…
IT’S LIKE THIS: It’s the night before the McAllisters’ big Christmas family trip to Paris - and their pad is a madhouse. Mom (Catherine O’Hara) and Dad (John Heard) are running around like chickens with their heads cut off, and so is the rest of the family - which, by the way, seems to consist of the entire block. Let’s just say this is one big-ass family. Anyhow, the chaos carries over into the next morning with everyone waking up late and trying to get to the airport in time. And when the airport is Chicago O’Hare, they have good reason to be freaking out. But I digress... Anyhow, they end up overlooking one small detail: youngest son Kevin (Macaulay Culkin), who was banished to the attic the night before for being a little prick to everyone. Let’s just say Mom’s moment of realization at 30,000 feet halfway across the Atlantic is one for the books. It’s not like just forgetting to turn off the garage light, you know?
As you can imagine, while Mom and family are trying to figure out a way to get back to the US of A, Kevin has the McAllister house (which is bigger than most university buildings, by the way) all to himself and is living it up like a cat in a tuna cannery who has figured out how to use a can opener. Unfortunately, this godsend experience gets seriously pissed on when two idiot burglars known as (and I’m not making this up) the, ahem, “Wet Burglars” (Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern) decide to declare open season on Kevin’s domicile when they discover he’s - wait for it - “home alone”. Turns out, however, that our little Kevin is a lot more wily, clever, and mischievous than our two villains gave him credit for. There must be some Italian genes in the McAllister family tree…
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Kevin - all the way. Oh, and also Gus Polinski (John Candy), the goodhearted Polka musician who helps Mom get home to Kevin in time to beat his ass for putting the family through hell. You know he’s gonna get it.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: This is not that kind of movie. We ain’t even going there…
MOST INTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: First place goes to Larry (Pesci) getting his noggin flambéed and second place goes to Marv (Stern) screaming like a biyatch when Kevin plops a tarantula on his nose. Swear to God he sounds just like I did when I heard that a certain magazine wanted me to be one of their film critics. Only I was screaming from joy - not abject horror.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: The scene in the van where Larry tells Marv that the McAllister house is a jackpot to rob - because of “all the VCRs” inside. If only he could see into the future and see that a medium pizza is more valuable than a VCR these days…
HOTTEST SCENE: Well, like I said, it ain’t that kind of movie. But, if we’re talking temperature, I guess the aforementioned scene of Larry getting his head torched. Ouch. Mucho caliente…
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Kevin successfully fend off Larry and Marv’s attacks? Or will they outfox him somehow? Will Mom make it home in time to rescue Kevin? And what about the scary old man (Roberts Blossom) who lives next door? Will he turn out to be an okay guy and help Kevin? Is he Kevin’s secret ally? How will this Christmas turn out? How?! HOW!?!?!
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “HOME ALONE”: If you like family films with very clever premises, that do a very good job of blending humor, heart, and booby traps… And if you love Christmas and John Hughes, like I do.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “HOME ALONE”: If you don’t like Christmas or laughter. In which case, too bad…
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Director John Hughes is famous for his slew of highly-entertaining and highly-successful teen comedies from the mid-to-late 80’s. Films like THE BREAKFAST CLUB, SIXTEEN CANDLES, SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL, and PRETTY IN PINK are now considered classics and permanently ingrained in the memories of most folks who grew up during that time. Hughes’ films spoke for a generation of youth in the 1980s in very much the same manner as THE GRADUATE and AMERICAN GRAFFITI did to their parents in the late 60s and early 70s.
In 1990, though, Hughes went in a completely different direction - and created what just might be his most popular film ever. Unlike his other films which appealed mainly to teenagers, HOME ALONE catered to everyone. With a premise that was funny, clever and timeless, and with a perfect cast and light-hearted-but-also-serious-enough tone, this movie took the world by storm - and is Hughes’ biggest hit. The story is simple, but the director and the actors have some major fun with it.
Macaulay Culkin became a household name because of this film, and the role requires him to basically carry the entire film on his shoulders. He has to be likable enough so that we have fun along with him when he’s left behind by his family. He has to be sympathetic and vulnerable enough so that when the inevitable sadness at being “home alone” comes along, we feel for him. And he has to be formidable enough to hold his own against and match wits with the determined burglars trying to get into his home. Culkin nails all of the required levels, and delivers a star-making performance.
But, as I’ve said in our various thriller reviews, you also need some worthy adversaries. Even though HOME ALONE is definitely not a thriller, it shares a similar structure with such films: trapped lone protagonist must battle and overcome relentless antagonists seeking to break into his sanctuary. This was the template of scary films all the way from THE FOG, THE BIRDS, and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, to STRAW DOGS, PANIC ROOM, and ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13. Even though everything is played for laughs (even some of the cringe-inducing violence) in HOME ALONE, some solid opponents are still necessary. Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern more than fit the bill. Larry and Marv are a great pair of bumbling baddies. Some of the film’s best scenes are of these two getting their just desserts - by a variety of household items and appliances turned deadly. Great, comic moments - especially Larry’s “head-burning scene”.
But HOME ALONE is more than just a very comic take on a home invasion. It’s also a study of family and appreciation of family. Kevin McAllister is at odds with his family in the beginning - and wishes they were gone. When they inadvertently leave him behind, he thinks that his wish has come true - and embarks on the expected fun spree. But when the novelty fades, though, Kevin begins to realize just how much he took his parents and siblings for granted. This thread is strengthened by Kevin’s unexpected friendship with Marley (Roberts Blossom), the “scary guy” from next door who turns out to be an emotionally-wounded kindred spirit. This part is HOME ALONE’s strongest aspect, and is the movie’s most satisfying reward. There’s a great scene in a church at night mass where Kevin and Marley bond over their lost families.
Catherine O’Hara, John Candy, and Blossom are the strongest of the supporting cast. As with Blossom and his role of Marley, O’Hara and Candy turn in vivid performances in a plot thread that further echoes the message of graciousness and generosity - not only during Christmas, but all the time - as Gus goes well out of his way to help and comfort Mrs. McAllister in her quest to get home to Kevin.
All in all, HOME ALONE is a modern classic from a very unexpected source: John Hughes, the man who is usually more known for teen-angst comedies. I suppose HOME ALONE isn’t so different - if you think of Kevin McAllister as very small teenager.
A VERY 3-D HAROLD AND KUMAR CHRISTMAS (2011 - COMEDY) ***½ out of *****
(Ah, yes, I think I‘m getting the Christmas Munchies…)
CAST: Kal Penn, John Cho, Neil Patrick Harris, Paola Garces, Danny Trejo, Bobby Lee.
DIRECTOR: Todd Strauss-Schulson
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some rather unorthodox - to say the fucking least - ways to spend Christmas Eve - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: In the 2004 comedy classic HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE (review coming), we met our two lovable, ethnically-diverse, stoner heroes: uptight, ambitious Harold Lee (John Cho) and laid-back slacker Kumar Patel (Kal Penn). In that film, we watched Harold and Kumar embark on a hilariously crazy all-nighter trying to track down a White Castle restaurant after smoking up a bucket-load of dope. Apparently, those were some serious munchies - and no other food chain would suffice. Next, in the 2008 sequel HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY we watched our heroes become the victims of some seriously fucked-up racial profiling while trying to leave the country to visit Amsterdam (hmmmmm… wonder why?), which basically ensured the only place they got to visit was an American jail cell. Now, in the third film in this highly-respected (ha ha) series, we reunite with Harold and Kumar a few years after the events of the last film.
Harold has - believe it or not - stopped smoking weed and it apparently has done wonders for him: (1) he is now a high-powered Wall Street exec; (2) he is married to the love of his life Maria (Paola Garces); and (3) he no longer hangs out with Kumar, who - believe it or not (irony alert) - is still smoking pot like a champ, and doesn’t look like he will ever quit. Without the shared activity of getting high to bond them, the two have understandably drifted apart. That is, until fate steps in one Christmas - and Harold and Kumar cross paths again when the latter is forced to deliver a giant joint (don’t ask) to the former’s house. On top of that, Harold accidentally sets fire to his fearsome father-in-law’s (Danny Trejo) beloved Christmas tree, which basically ensures his life will be a living hell from that point forward. That is, unless he can find another suitable tree to take its place. And guess who gets to ride shotgun during the frantic search for said tree? If you said anyone other than Kumar Patel, then you need to stop sucking on that bong and start sucking on something else. Well, you know what I mean. Then, just to make things even more fucked-up, they run into old pal Neil Patrick Harris (Neil Patrick Harris), who is more than just a handful. And I’m not just talking about the “crotch-grab” type of handful. Let the party begin…
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Harold and Kumar, all the way. With a very solid assist from Neil Patrick Harris as… Neil Patrick Harris.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Our three heroes above are pretty fine. But I like NPH the best.
MOST INTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Toss up between Harold blasting Santa right the fuck out of the sky (yes, really), and Harold and Kumar setting (inadvertently) that Christmas tree on fire with a joint. Then there’s the baby stoned out of her gourd on dope and coke. Yes, sir. Good times.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Uh, well, I guess they’re all intentionally hilarious…
HOTTEST SCENE: Neil Patrick Harris about to cum on some chick’s back during a faux-massage encounter. There’s just something strangely hot about a gay guy playing himself as gay-but-really-straight in a movie, about to unload his man-cream all over his fag hag’s back. Yes. I own property in the gutter. Won’t you join me? It’ll be fun.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So… will the former best buds succeed in tracking down a decent Christmas tree to replace the one they accidentally torched? Will they bond because of the experience and become stoner best buds again? Or will Harold continue to say “no” to the dope? Or will he - gasp! - even get Kumar to - omigod - quit? And what happens when Harold accidentally shoots Santa? Did he just kill Christmas? And what about Neil Patrick Harris? How will NPH stir the pot? Will his usual horny antics get them all into hot water again? And does he really mean it when he says he’s truly not gay, but just pretending to be, to get some mad pussy? Or does he just need to watch Chris Evans’ nude scenes in WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER to worship cock again? I’m thinking, yes. Who could say “no” to this:
I know I didn’t. Ahem.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “A VERY 3-D HAROLD AND KUMAR CHRISTMAS”: If you liked the first two movies, and don’t mind some seriously raunchy and unapologetically politically-incorrect humor. And if you adore Kal Penn, John Cho, and Neil Patrick Harris. And if you want to see what a stoned toddler with the munchies and face full of cocaine looks like. It looks like this:
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “A VERY 3-D HAROLD AND KUMAR CHRISTMAS”: If you offend easily and don‘t have a really fucked-up sense of humor. In which case, this film may actually kill you. Seriously. It will actually kill you.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: With the release of the sleeper hit HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE in 2004, two iconic characters were born. As played by John Cho and Kal Penn, Harold Lee and Kumar Patel are surely two of the most memorable and distinctive comedy leads to come down the pipe in a long time. While they are really cut from similar cloth as Bill and Ted from the BILL AND TED films, it’s Harold and Kumar’s ethnic backgrounds that make them stand out and create unexpected comic gold. Somehow, I don’t think they would be quite as funny if they were portrayed by two Caucasian actors. Some may have a problem with the racial profiling and humor in these film, but being of mixed-ethnicity myself, I could sometimes relate to some of the prejudice that these two run into. In end, everyone is in on the joke, so what is there to be offended about?
HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE, and its effective sequel HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY, were both successful and popular enough to warrant a third film - and this time, the producers strike out in a completely different direction - they’ve created a Holiday flick, and struck more comic gold. What better way is there to take the air out of Christmas than by foisting Harold Lee and Kumar Patel on it? And as if that wasn’t enough, they turned it into a 3-D movie.
While A VERY 3-D HAROLD AND KUMAR CHRISTMAS is indeed funny, it’s just a tad below the original and the sequel in the yuks and gags department. That’s definitely not to condemn the film, though. It’s quite hilarious and is filled with some great set pieces, to include the aforementioned “shooting Santa out of the sky” bit, and the “burning down the christmas tree” number. Then there’s the deeply priceless running gag about the baby who is continuously exposed to marijuana smoke and cocaine dust. It’s all so very, very wrong - but so utterly fun at the same time.
As usual, Kal Penn and John Cho prove again to be a dynamite comedic duo. They have golden chemistry and strike sparks (platonic) with one another. Harold and Kumar are right up there with other comedic “Odd Couple” greats. But Penn and Cho are more than just talented comedians - as with the previous two films, the script gives the characters enough seriousness for these two to flex some of their more dramatic skills. Cho, in particular, has a nice intensity that serves both the comedy and the more serious stuff. Penn, on the other hand, has gotten very adept at wielding his character’s goofball quotient like a weapon. Bottom line: these two deserve another movie - and then another. And then yet another.
If Penn and Cho weren’t as charismatic and effective as they are, the show would’ve easily been stolen from them by Neil Patrick Harris playing himself again as what looks like a cross between Charlie Sheen and a male porn star. Harris had not come out of the closet when he made his smashing cameo in the first film. Between then and now, though, he did - and everyone now knows he’s gay, but that doesn’t detract at all from his performance. There’s even a nice joke in the movie about him just pretending to be gay to get laid, that he pretty much sells - before you realize he‘s just making fun of himself. Just as his recurring role as a marauding heterosexual playboy in the TV series “How I Met Your Mother”, Harris successfully convinces you of his character’s “straightness.” And he’s got a brilliantly raunchy and dry delivery, with impeccable comic timing, to boot.
Danny Trejo, Paola Garces, and Bobby Lee are fun in their small supporting roles, with Lee faring the best as Harold’s dorky puppy-dog of a loyal assistant. And Trejo brings his usual quite menace and gravity to the role of Harold’s scary father-in-law, but this time it is played for laughs. Garces, is as usual, a lovely sight.
All in all, A VERY 3-D HAROLD AND KUMAR CHRISTMAS is good enough to stand next to the first two movies, but not enough to overtake them. The 3-D aspect is actually superfluous and is merely a novel, rather than necessary, touch. In the end, the jokes and the three dudes making them are what sell this movie. Go, guys!
TITANIC (1997 - ROMANCE / ACTION / DRAMA) ****1/2 out of *****
(I’m the King Of The World!!!!! Well, maybe, just of this ship…)
CAST: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane, Kathy Bates, Frances Fisher, Bill Paxton, Gloria Stuart, Suzy Amis, Bernard Hill, Victor Garber, Jenette Goldstein.
DIRECTOR: James Cameron
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to go on a cruise that doesn’t go anywhere near any icebergs - straight ahead….
IT’S LIKE THIS: Underwater explorer/super scuba diver/treasure hunter Brock Lovett (Bill Paxton) and his crew are exploring the legendary wreck of the RMS Titanic which sank way back in 1912. Within the wreckage, they discover a drawing of a mysterious woman with a great set of hooters and a diamond necklace. Doing some detective work, Brock finds out that the mystery woman was one of the survivors and is now a 100-year old chick named Rose Calvert (Gloria Stuart). Brock flies Rose and her granddaughter Lizzy (Suzy Amis) out to his research vessel. There, Rose regales Brock, Lizzy, and the rest of the scuba divers with her epic tale of love, danger, - and seasickness:
It’s April 10, 1912 and the RMS Titanic is getting ready to embark on her maiden voyage from Southampton, England all the way across the Atlantic to the Big Apple in the US of A. You basically have two kinds of passengers: (1) rich hoity-toites in First and Second Class like Rose DeWitt Bukater (Kate Winslet), her materialistic mum Ruth (Frances Fisher), her asshole fiancee Cal Hockley (Billy Zane), and the no-nonsense Molly Brown (Kathy Bates); and (2) everyone else. By “everyone else“, I mean folks who are sailing Third Class - or even lower. Chief among them are aw-shucks yank Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio), Italian pal Fabrizio DeRossi (Danny Nucci), and what looks like a whole shipload of immigrants. Needless to say, the lovely British class system is definitely alive and well on the RMS Titanic and, ordinarily, Rose and Jack would never even meet, let alone begin a passionate shipboard affair. But before you can say “Clark Kent’s Parents!” that’s exactly what happens. Life would be perfect - except for two things: (1) Cal, Rose’s asshole fiancee, kind of objects to the Rose/Jack smooch-a-thon; and (2) there’s this, ahem, giant iceberg that has its own “Date With Destiny” with the RMS Titanic. And I thought my Hawaiian Vacation was thrilling. It ain’t got nothin’ on this trip. Anyone else get the feeling that Rose’s story is going to have a whopper of a climax? And I don’t just mean the one that she and Jack have together in the back of that car. Naughty, naughty…
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Our scruffy and scrappy boy Jack, who is quite the feisty firecracker. And let’s not forget Rose, who starts out as an aloof ice princess - but eventually melts and turns into an action heroine. This is, after all, a James Cameron film. My boy James likes his tough guys and tougher gals….
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Leo DiCap is still in his boyish phase here, and Kate Winslet, while exceedingly lovely, is far too wholesome for my gutter-dirty thoughts. So, while these two are terrific in their lead roles, this award must go to… Danny Nucci as Jack’s dago/wop best pal Fabrizio DeRossi - who is basically America‘s Earliest Guido. Viva Italia!
MOST INTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: Jack and Rose in the water at the end. If you‘ve seen the movie already, you know what I‘m talking about. Sniffle…
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: Jack and Fabrizio clowning around on the bow of the ship. Anyone who has snuck into someplace they weren‘t supposed to go - and got away with it - will totally relate to these two dorks in this scene.
HOTTEST SCENE: Jack sketching a nekkid Rose - then steaming up the insides of a car in the cargo hold. Not that I’ve ever done either. Ahem.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: We pretty much know what happened four days after the RMS Titanic set sail from England, right? For those of you who somehow don’t know (like those of you who were born under a rock and never moved out) - let’s just say the ship bounced off an iceberg, then went due south - as in vertically south. But who will survive? Jack? Rose? Ruth? Fabrizio? Molly? That asshole Cal? Will either Jack or Rose have to make the ultimate sacrifice so the other may live? Or will they both make it safely to port, eventually marry, and produce two awesome sons? In my version of the story, they do…
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “TITANIC”: If you like gripping action films that seamlessly fuse with soulful, against-all-odds romances - and end up being stellar, one-of-a-kind cinematic experiences. And if you are a fan of Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, or James Cameron. If so, this is your Christmas movie…
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “TITANIC”: If you like action movies, but not romances. Or vice versa. In which case, you may struggle with this one, because it is just as much a love story as it is an adventure. You’re better off watching a full-on actioner like BAD BOYS or THE ROCK, or full-on romance like THE LAKE HOUSE or ROMEO AND JULIET, if that’s the case.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Earlier in this review, I described the romance between Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt Bukater as “against-all-odds.” While that is the perfect way to describe their unlikely union, it is also a very apt description for the uphill battle that writer/director James Cameron faced while fighting to bring his vision of TITANIC to the silver screen. Even with his very successful track record of action/thrillers like THE TERMINATOR, ALIENS, TERMINATOR 2, THE ABYSS, and TRUE LIES, his proposal was met with some serious skepticism from the studios, who are very focused on the bottom line. And TITANIC had a lot going against it, commerce-wise.
For starters, it was going to be a period piece. A very expensive one. And a 3-hour long expensive period piece, at that. And, on top of that, it was going to be just as much a romance as it was an action adventure. If not more. Indeed, it is nothing short of a miracle that TITANIC got made at all. But if there was anyone who could make it work, it was James Cameron. While he is often hailed as an Action Movie Genius, most people overlook the genuine spirit of emotion, humanity, and romance that exists in all of his films. Sometimes they are very subtle (THE TERMINATOR, TRUE LIES), other times they are more obvious (ALIENS, TERMINATOR 2), and yet other times they are front and center (THE ABYSS). In all of these films, Cameron effectively combines kinetic, dynamic action with stirring, haunting emotion. So, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he makes TITANIC soar as much as it does.
And, soar it did. When it was released in 1997, TITANIC eventually proved to have some major “legs” at the box-office - both domestic and international - and went the distance. Indeed, until AVATAR’s release a couple of years ago (also written and directed by James Cameron, by the way), TITANIC had the honor of being the most financially successful film of all time. And, if you want to factor in inflation, it is actually still more financially successful than AVATAR. Bottom line: Cameron made a daring, visionary, all-or-nothing bet with this story - and won. The whole world responded to his vision in a resoundingly favorable manner, making TITANIC just as legendary as the real-life ship it’s based on.
TITANIC is a near-perfect film, but I’m going to state its flaws up front. First, as much as I adore James Cameron, some of his dialogue here is a little stagey and “on the nose.” The best movie dialogue is conveyed through subtlety and subtext. And also, never underestimate the power of lack of dialogue altogether: sometimes, silence and expressions can convey emotion more eloquently than five pages of dialogue. Fortunately, the actors (with one exception) bring such passion, conviction, and feeling to their roles that this potentially major liability is mostly smoothed over.
Which brings me to the film’s second flaw: Billy Zane as Cal Hockley, Rose’s villainous fiancee. I hate to single him out like this, but every time we watch TITANIC, his theatrically cartoonish performance always stands out unflatteringly. I’m not sure if this is because Cameron wrote Hockley in such a manner, and directed Zane this way - or if Zane chose to play the character as so over-the-top. In all fairness to Zane, though, I have heard about how precise and controlling Cameron can be - and I tend to think that this is exactly how Cameron wanted Hockley to be portrayed. If so, I have to humbly state that I think it was a mistake. A subtler, more complex performance would’ve made Hockley a more sympathetic and human character without compromising his villainy or the Jack-Rose romance. As it is, he comes across as something out of Central Casting.
Other than these two items, though, TITANIC is near-flawless. There was a time when I thought that Jack Dawson should’ve been played by someone other than Leonardo DiCaprio. Especially when I heard that the studio had wanted Matthew McConaughey for the role, but James Cameron was adamant that DiCaprio be given the job. I used to think that McConaughey would’ve made a better Jack. But then I realized what Cameron was going for here: a boy who tries to act worldly and manly, but then has to grow up for real when his life - and the life of the woman he loves - is placed in mortal danger. In essence, Jack Dawson has to live up to all of the philosophies and credos he so eloquently expounds upon in the earlier part of the film. In short, the boy must now truly become a man - and put his money where his mouth is. As talented as McConaughey is, I don’t think he has the right combination of innocence and boyishness required for this kind of transformation. And DiCaprio pulls it off beautifully. Viewed in this light, he is perfect for the role of Jack Dawson. TITANIC is, in essence, just as much a coming-of-age for both Jack and Rose, as it is their coming together as a couple.
Speaking of Rose, a multitude of actresses were considered for the part, and it was a stroke of good fortune that it finally went to Kate Winslet. The part requires someone who can combine a frosty aloofness and classy demeanor with a more uncertain vulnerability and fragility, as well as a child-like innocence and humor - while hiding a steely courage under it all. And Winslet is ideal because she specializes in playing women whose humanity is always front and center, no matter how simple or complex they ultimately turn out to be. And in Rose’s case, she proves to be quite complicated, indeed. It’s a surprisingly tricky role, and she deserved the Academy Award nomination she received for her efforts. She brings beauty, intelligence, emotion, class, and grace to the role - and makes it her own.
The supporting cast (with the exception of the aforementioned Zane) are all good. Frances Fisher is an effectively chilly presence as Rose’s money-hungry and status-oriented mother Ruth. Kathy Bates is her warmer and earthier counterpoint as the real-life Molly Brown, who clearly approves of Jack and Rose’s union. Not surprising for such a real and down-to-Earth woman. Victor Garber, David Warner, and Bernard Hill lend solid support as the various stoic men who make noble sacrifices for the women and children of the ship after it strikes the iceberg. Finally, Danny Nucci is very appealing in the small but memorable role of Jack’s Italian best friend Fabrizio DeRossi - who makes his own sacrifices in the name of friendship. His original death scene in the script was much more tragic - and I’m glad it was changed to something else for the final film because it would’ve been too heart-breaking to see.
Then there’s the action. This is where Cameron’s craftsmanship really shines. The set design for the RMS Titanic - and its ultimate destruction - is simply breathtaking. The 11 Academy Awards this film collected in 1998 were mainly technical awards - and they’re well-deserved. I vividly remember seeing TITANIC for the first time back in Japan in 1997, and can still hear the gasps (and sniffles) in the audience. Much of it had to do with the bracingly realistic effects. And with the movie being re-released in April in glorious RealD 3-D and IMAX 3-D, those images are bound to be even more spectacular, if possible. The sight of the stern of the ship rising up into the night sky, as desperate survivors either plummet into the water or row away in lifeboats, is an iconic one that is sure to leap off the screen, come spring of next year.
In the end, though, TITANIC is just as much a love story as it is an action/adventure - if not even more. Cameron himself has said that what the film ultimately expresses to us is this (and I‘m quoting): “life is uncertain, the future unknowable, and the unthinkable is possible.” It’s a very fitting way to describe how his vision beat the odds to give us one of the most-loved and remembered films of all time. And it’s also the perfect way to describe the romance at TITANIC’s heart: Jack and Rose, by society‘s rules and expectations, shouldn’t have even met on that ship. They were from different worlds, and different classes. Yet, they did go further. And even if their union was not ultimately meant to last, the important thing is that it happened. And many great things came out of it.
Or as James Cameron would say: “Life is uncertain, the future is unknowable, and the unthinkable is possible.”
In closing, please chill to Celine Dion’s Academy-Award winning theme for TITANIC, “My Heart Will Go On.” I dedicate this song and review to all the unlikely, against-all-odds romances out there, whether they began on a ship or not, and whether they lasted or not. The important thing is they happened - and great things came from them. Especially from one particular real-life shipboard romance between a handsome Italian steward and a Norwegian-American nanny on holiday, some thirty years ago...
Hello, folks… Just taking a quick break from the evening’s festivities (while I can still type) to say the following to everyone around the World:
Buon Natale! Maligayang Pasko! Feliz Navidad! Joyeux Noel! Veselykh Sviat! Kala Xristougenna! Froehliche Weihnachten! Kurisumasu Omedeto! Shub Naya Baras! Miilaad Majiid! Cracuin Fericit! S Rojdestvom Hristovym! Nofri shai empihinmisi empikhristos! Felix Nativitas! Christos razdajetsja! God Jul! Chestita Koleda i Shtastliva Nova Godina! Chuc Mung Giang Sinh! Boldog karacsonyt! Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket! Wesolych Swiat! Shnorhavor Soorp Dzunoont! Nollaig Shona Duit! Hyvaa Joulua! Mele kalikimaka! Mutlu noeller! Shengdanjie kuaile! Nollaig chridheil huibh! Christos jiang sheng zai! Feliz Natal!
And, of course… MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Please pardon me if I screwed up any of the international greetings above. Too many spiked rum slushees, recipe courtesy of “Milla Jovovich.”
Before I sign off and resume host duties, please note that I am pulling THE LAKE HOUSE to save it for a future Sandra Bullock Appreciation Week, and replacing it with TITANIC - which will be one of our Christmas Reviews for tomorrow. Nothing like an epic love story like TITANIC (written and directed by my personal hero James Cameron) to continue our recent winning streak of ****½ movies. And also to celebrate the recent decision to re-release it in theatres come spring - in glorious IMAX 3-D. Cannot. Wait. Go, James…
And in case you think epic shipboard romances only happen in movies like TITANIC, allow me to inform you that you’re mistaken: about thirty years ago or so, on an international cruise ship, one such union blossomed between a handsome Italian steward and a beautiful Norwegian-American nanny on holiday. Fortunately for them (and us), their ship didn’t hit an iceberg. They made it safely back to port, eventually wed, and produced two great sons - one of whom I’m very proud to call a friend.
In closing, please see TITANIC’s trailer below. And in the spirit of this special night, I wish you and your family all the warmest regards - wherever you may be in the World. Happy Holidays, my friends...
LOOKING FOR ERIC (2009 - COMEDY / DRAMA / ROMANCE) ****1/2 out of *****
(Or in my case, looking for Fabio Cannavaro…)
CAST: Steve Evets, Eric Cantona, Stephanie Bishop, Stefan Gumb, Gerard Kearns, Lucy-Jo Hudson, John Henshaw, Justin Moorhouse.
DIRECTOR: Ken Loach
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to believe in the magic of soccer, friendship, and love… straight ahead.
IT’S LIKE THIS: Middle-aged English postal carrier Eric Bishop (Steve Evets) is having a really bad spell. Just to give you an idea of how shitty it is, he has had to contend with the following: (1) stepsons Ryan and Jess (Gerard Kearns and Stefan Gumb) basically walking all over him and treating his house like a dumpster; (2) a job that no longer excites him (let’s face it: sorting mail is very necessary but not exactly the most exciting occupation out there) and has left him seriously listless; (3) having to continue to run into ex-wife Lily (Stephanie Bishop) who he still has a jones for; and - the most terrifying and telling sign of all: (4) he hasn’t been to a football (AKA soccer) match in nearly ten years - pretty much since his hero, former Manchester United super-striker Eric Cantona, retired from the Beautiful Game.
Sensing that Eric needs an intervention (especially because of his football non-attendance), pals Meatballs and Spleen (John Henshaw and Justin Moorhouse) decide to gather up the lads and give their boy Eric some solid assists. And, yes, those are really their nicknames. When you see them, you‘ll see why - as in “He looks like he ate a shitload of ______” and “He looks like someone just punched him in the ______”. Anyhow, our loyal lads have a little exercise where they each say “the name of the person whose confidence and charisma you wish to emulate.” As you can imagine, the responses are pretty diverse and hilarious: Sammy Davis Jr., Fidel Castro (really), Gandhi, Frank Sinatra (seriously), Sarcasto (kidding), Nelson Mandela, and - last, but no way the least: Eric Cantona. Guess whose hero he is? If you said any other name other than our hero Eric‘s, then you obviously are more drunk than I am right now.
Anyhow, right after that intervention session, something miraculous happens: Eric Cantona (the actual Eric Cantona) actually materializes in our hero Eric’s bedroom - and proceeds to turn into The Most Awesome Life Coach ever. Before you know it, Eric is giving Eric some valuable lessons in how to: (1) knock some sense into his dumbass sons; (2) find some joy in his job again; (3) try to win Lily back; and - the most important of all: (4) revive his passion for soccer, er, football, er, soccer, er… you know what I mean.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Eric and Eric, all the way. These two are a force to be reckoned with…
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Eric Cantona is one smokin’ hot Daddeh…. Yeeahhhhhh….
MOST INTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: Eric finally opening up to Lily and telling her all the things he couldn’t say to her when they were married. Sniffle…
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: Eric C. telling Eric B. about the most “beautiful” moment of his soccer career - which leads to a fucking amazing goal.
HOTTEST SCENE: The flashback to the game where we actually see that fucking amazing goal. Now that’s team chemistry… And also the part where Cantona draws parallels between soccer and life. Basically, the dude was reading my mind.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Eric C. be able to help Eric B. turn his life around? Will Eric B. be inspired by Eric C. and assert his authority over his rebellious kids? Or will they just continue to run roughshod over him? And what about Ryan’s decision to hang out with a local thug? How will Eric B. solve that issue? And what about Lily? Do she and Eric B. have another chance at marriage? And will Eric C. be successful in coaching Eric B. on how to win her heart? And what about Eric Cantona himself? Is he a ghost? Or a figment of Eric B.’s imagination? Or is he a representation of Eric B.‘s stronger side? And the most important question of all: is that all I have to do to have Fabio Cannavaro show up in my living room? Just make a wish? Excuse me a moment… I have some wishing to do. Ahem.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “LOOKING FOR ERIC”: If you are a fan of soccer, Eric Cantona, director Ken Loach, or movies that combine brain, humor, heart, and sports in perfectly quirky measures. And if you don’t mind your movies to have more than a dash of grit and whimsy.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “LOOKING FOR ERIC”: If none of the above applies to you. Then you’re better off watching TRANSFORMERS 1, 2, or 3 for the 54th time.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: We’ve been very fortunate lately. Our last two reviews are two very different films, but have one thing in common: they are both excellent films. The first is MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 4, the best action film I’ve seen in the last few years - and one that has single-handedly raised the bar for the genre with its dazzling blend of adrenalin, suspense, humor, and heart. The other is WE BOUGHT A ZOO, a disarmingly sweet and touching family film based on British journalist Benjamin Mee’s account of his family’s purchase and transformation of a decrepit wild-life park - and how they, in turn, transformed their lives.
Now, our next review continues that winning streak: the lovely, elegant, wise, and unique comedy/drama LOOKING FOR ERIC. Chronicling the travails of modest British postman Eric Bishop (Steve Evets) as he tries to stave off an encroaching mid-life crisis with the help of (and here’s the lovely, elegant, wise and unique part) Eric Cantona, the famed Manchester United striker who dazzled England and the world with his hypnotic combo of brash charisma, fiery athleticism, and unexpected thoughfulness. Clearly, Eric is not seeing Cantona in the flesh - but as some sort of vision. Obviously, then, some suspension of disbelief is required here.
The rules of Cinematic Suspension of Disbelief state the following: (1) set up your characters and make them sympathetic and compelling; (2) create the world of your characters; (3) set down the rules of that world, however fantastic; and (4) do your best to consistently enforce those rules. If you can do all of those things, then your film can be about furry purple creatures from Mars who are secretly controlling the World Cup through radioactive Gatorade being fed to the players, and the audience will go along for the ride. The key is great characters and a confidence in the story and world you have created for them. And, just like Eric Cantona’s signature confidence and swagger, LOOKING FOR ERIC moves with unshakable assuredness. In short, it follows the rules - and in doing so subverts expectations and wins the audience’s hearts.
It starts with the characters. We are given a riveting lead character in the form of Eric Bishop. This is a guy whose life has devolved into routine monotony. His job as a portal carrier is dull and banal, and his home life isn’t any more engaging. Without being too obvious about it, the movie gradually intimates that Eric’s problem is that he doesn’t have anything in his life that is bigger than he is - something that inspires him. The scene where Meatball, Spleen, and the rest of Eric’s pals sit around and talk about who their heroes are is a great one that sets the stage for arrival of Eric Cantona - the man whose confidence inspires Eric. And Steve Evets fearless plays all of Eric Bishop’s sides: strong, weak, and everything in between.
The movie quickly moves past the improbability of this legendary Manchester United striker appearing in Eric’s bedroom to give him some serious life advice. Director Ken Loach and writer Walt Raverty drop this plot twist on the table and basically say “Take it or leave it.” But because Eric, Lily, Ryan, Jess, Meatballs, Spleen and the rest of the characters have been vividly-drawn, and the world they inhabit so equally well-painted, we accept this development quite easily. From then on, it’s just a matter of surrendering ourselves to the ride as Cantona gradually transforms Eric’s life.
LOOKING FOR ERIC also succeeds because of its intelligent and thoughtful parallels between soccer and life. Soccer, despite its brilliance, isn’t always exciting. There are lulls and dry spells and dull spots - just like life. But then, quite unexpectedly, there are moments that simply take your breath away - when a series of seemingly indecisive and mundane passes suddenly take shape into a fierce assault that leads to a stunning goal - or a brilliant defensive save. Just like life.
Indeed, there’s a great scene where Eric asks Cantona what his most beautiful moment in soccer was - and Cantona responds that it was a pass. Eric is surprised by this, because he expected Cantona to say it was a goal. Cantona basically responds that the pass took shape and created a domino effect that brought the team together and eventually led to dynamic goal for Manchester United. It’s like I’ve always said: soccer isn’t always about the goals or the saves - and it‘s not always dynamic. But it’s also about the little moments that sing and sometimes lead to greater things. The way a small act of kindness can reverberate through time and be passed along through life, growing in magnitude as it goes.
In essence, Cantona is saying what I’ve always believed: in life and soccer, there are valleys and then there are peaks. You have to endure the former in order to get to the latter. Savor the moments of greatness while they last, and when they are gone, just have faith that they’ll come around again. This scene between Cantona and Eric never fails to take my breath away.
Also quite effective is the core love story between Eric and Lily, the wife who loved him unconditionally when they were younger - and whom he left because of his inability to adjust to married life. Now that they are much older, Eric sees the error of his ways and seeks to make amends for his past mistakes. The evolution of Eric and Lily’s relationship from guarded and wary to open and comfortable again, happens by degrees and is well-played by both Evets and Stephanie Bishop. These two have a believable chemistry that speaks of two people who have been in each other’s lives forever - in one way or another. The final shot of Eric and Lily is especially lovely, and is the perfect example of what I call the “Subtle Happy Ending”, which is often much more effective than many “Ride Off Into The Sunset Happy Endings”.
The rest of the cast is just as remarkable. Stefan Gumb and Gerard Kearns are quite good as Eric’s rebellious sons, who gradually become humbled and pay their father the respect he deserves. John Henshaw and Justin Moorhead are hilarious as Meatballs and Spleen, the ringleader of Eric’s lads from the post office. These guys best exemplify the rough-and-raunchy British humor that I love. The scene early on in the film where all the guys talk about who their heroes are is hilarious. Another great aspect of LOOKING FOR ERIC is how these guys are so fiercely loyal to Eric that they not only go out of their way to make their friend laugh in his time of need - but even go beyond the law to help him scare off a thug that has had a bad influence on his sons. This scene is both hilarious and exciting at the same time, with Meatball and Spleen and a fifty other hooligans wearing Eric Cantona masks and waving bats. Love it.
But what about Eric Cantona himself? Well, after his retirement from Manchester United and soccer in 1998/1999, Cantona went into… movies. And it’s a completely fitting career move. With his ruggedly handsome good looks, broad shoulders, and irresistible charisma, Cantona is a striking screen presence onscreen as he was on the soccer field. And since he is literally playing himself here, he is most definitely in his element. He and Steve Evets click very well, and their characters‘ “Bromance” anchors LOOKING FOR ERIC just as much as the romance between Eric and Lily does. In short, Cantona acquits himself quite well. And the guy is one fascinating conversationalist. He’s someone you can talk movies, soccer, and life with for hours. What more could you ask for in a friend? In essence, Cantona is Eric's "Guardian Angel" - and we should all be lucky enough to have one as funny, smart, brave, and loyal as him.
In the end, LOOKING FOR ERIC is a sweet movie that combines a Bromance with a more conventional romance. In fact, every time I hear one of my favorite songs, I think of this movie because the song would’ve been perfect for the soundtrack. The song is “I Don’t Want To Live Without You” by Greg Tripp. And it perfectly captures the flavor of Eric’s rekindled romance with Lily, but also his deep friendship with his hero, Eric Cantona. Or as a friend said to me recently: “I can live without you - but I don’t want to.” I actually teared up, I’m not ashamed to say.
So, this song goes out to Eric, Lily, Cantona, and to all the friends, family, and lovers out there who have traveled great distances - whether across miles of geography or miles of the heart - to reunite with one another and be together for the Holidays. Long may we reign… Oh, and this also goes out to my favorite soccer team, SSC Napoli - to celebrate their stunning 6-1 victory over Genoa recently - which has helped their Serie A profile… Brought tears to my eyes… No one could ever take your place in my heart, guys. Viva Napoli! Buon Natale, mi fratellos…
THE DARK KNIGHT RISES Second Trailer has been released - and, boy, does it look great. Elegant, ominous, chilly, scary - with tantalizing glimpses of sexy good/bad girl Selena Kyle (AKA Catwoman) played by Anne Hathaway (but should've been played by me, damn it!), new villain Bane played by Tom Hardy, potential love interest Miranda Tate played by Marion Cotillard, and a bravura sequence where an entire football field is leveled by an explosion.
(If that‘s not The Impulse Buy To End All Impulse Buys, I don‘t know what is…)
CAST: Matt Damon, Scarlett Johanssen, Thomas Haden Church, Collin Ford, Maggie Elizabeth Jones, Elle Fanning, Patrick Fugit, Angus McFadyen,
DIRECTOR: Cameron Crowe
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to count to ten - maybe a million - before buying real estate with 47 species of animals on it - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Journalist Benjamin Mee (Matt Damon) is adrift following the death of his beautiful wife Katherine (Stephanie Szostak), and so are his kids, Dylan and Rosie (Collin Ford and Maggie Elizabeth Jones). Wanting to give them all a fresh start, he buys a… zoo. Yes, folks. A zoo. A place with caged animals. Only the animals don’t like the term “cage” - so sayeth Kelly Foster (Scarlett Johanssen), head zookeeper. According to her, the term “enclosure” is more acceptable. Whatever. The point is this: Benjamin must now not only be a single dad with two kids, but he must also assume the role of Big Daddy to 47 fucking species of animals roaming their back yard - including what appears to be the entire live-action cast of MADAGASCAR. Compared to Benjie‘s purchase, the decision of Frances Mayes (Diane Lane) to impulsively buy that Italian villa in UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN seems downright well-planned and carefully thought out. At least she’s surrounded by hot Italian people - and not… zebras. Good move, Ben.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Benjamin all the way, baby. Then there’s Kelly, the straight-talking zookeeper who makes the resident tiger look like a lazy stoner cat who can’t get his face out of the mound of catnip I buy him on a weekly basis. Not that I own any cats like that. Ahem.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: This is a family movie and I just don’t feel it’s appropriate to discuss who among the cast is attractive enough to make the audience horny. But if you were to put a gun to my head and scream: “TALK, GODDAMNIT!!!”, then I’m afraid I would have no choice but to respond: “OKAY! OKAY! MATT DAMON! DON’T SHOOT ME!”
MOST INTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: Dylan passing by the zoo’s main building - and seeing Lily’s sweet message to him on the neon sign. Not gonna spoil it - but one word to describe it: “Awwwwwwwwwwwww…”
MOST INTENTIONALLY SIDE-SPLITTING SCENE: When Benjamin, Rosie, and Dylan first meet Kelly and the rest of the zoo crew. At that point it becomes quite clear that Benjamin knows as much about running a zoo as veteran prostitute does about celibacy. The look of doom that falls across Kelly’s face as she obviously thinks to herself “This guy is our new boss?” is absolutely priceless.
HOTTEST SCENE: Again, this is a family movie, and I would feel very uncomfortable answering that question. But, again, if you were to put a gun to my head and scream at me: “GODDAMNIT, WE’RE GETTING TIRED OF THIS SWEET AND DEMURE BULLSHIT! YOU’RE A WHORE! YOU’RE NOT KIDDING ANYONE! NOW TELL US WHAT THE FUCKING HOTTEST SCENE IS!” then I’m afraid I would have no choice but to say “ANY SCENE WITH MATT DAMON WEARING BLUE JEANS! AND ANY SCENE WITH MATT DAMON WEARING REGULAR PANTS! AND ANY SCENE WITH MATT DAMON - PERIOD. NOW, PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!”
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So… did Benjamin fuck up royally by blowing his life savings on the zoo? Oh, excuse me… Did Benjamin fuck up royally by blowing his life savings on the, ahem, “Wildlife Park”? Is Kelly right when she says if he doesn’t get his shit together, the animals, the crew, and Benjamin’s family will all be on the street? Or does Benjamin have some zoo-keeping skills that even he doesn’t know about? Will Kelly and Benjamin fall in love? Will Dylan and Lily fall in love? Will one of the tigers fuck a zebra and spawn a goofy-looking black-and-white creature called a…. Tigra? Maybe in the sequel…
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “WE BOUGHT A ZOO”: If you like director Cameron Crowe, and his distinctive kind of feel-good flick, among which are ALMOST FAMOUS, SAY ANYHING, JERRY MAGUIRE, and ELIZABETHTOWN. And if you are a fan of Matt Damon. And if you are fan of zoos. And if you are fan of movies that pretty much tell you whole story in the trailer - but can’t resist their pull anyway.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “WE BOUGHT A ZOO”: If none of the above applies to you. Then take your ass to MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 4, which is an excellent film, but doesn’t feature any jungle cats. Unless you count Paula Patton, who is like a deadly panther in a silk evening gown. Work that killer instinct, girl…
BUT, SERIOUSLY: At the beginning of this review, I jokingly compared WE BOUGHT A ZOO to UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN. However, all kidding aside, the comparison is actually quite apt, since both films are based on bestselling memoirs that were altered somewhat in the process of bringing them to the silver screen.
The book version of UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN revolved around real-life San Francisco writer Frances Mayes, who bought a villa in Tuscany after a careful search - and remodeled it with her husband. Essentially, Mayes wrote a sensual and atmospheric chronicle of their project, as well as how they fell even more in love with Italy - arguably the most beautiful country in the world - in the process. But in transferring the book to the screen, it was necessary for the filmmakers to give a more dramatic structure and conflict to the narrative. The result? Frances Mayes became a broken-hearted divorcee who goes on a gay tour of Tuscany - and buys the villa quite impulsively. In essence, what was a languid meditation on all lovely things Italian, became a more movie-audience-friendly romantic comedy.
Similarly, WE BOUGHT A ZOO is based on a bestselling memoir. It was written by British journalist Benjamin Mee, who bought a wildlife park in England with his family (including his brother and mother). Sadly, after they moved into the park, Mee’s wife had a cancer relapse and eventually passed away. Inspired by her memory, Mee and his family became determined to make the zoo a success - and they did. Hence the bestselling memoir. In bringing this remarkable story to the screen, as with UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN and its literary foundation, co-writer/director Cameron Crowe makes some changes, the major one being Benjamin Mee’s nationality. Although he is still a journalist, Mee is now an American in the movie. He still has two children, as in the book, but his wife passes away before the zoo is purchased. In fact, it’s her untimely death and his despondency over it is what eventually leads him to purchase the wildlife park.
But the similarities between WE BOUGHT A ZOO and UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN don’t stop there. While the films have settings that are a world apart, their fundamental story is one and the same: an emotionally damaged individual impulsively purchases some property, and in renovating and rebuilding it, he/she finds healing and rebirth. The story beats are almost exactly the same, and that is a good thing in my opinion. I love UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN despite its sometimes improbable story details, and appreciated its “heal yourself before sharing yourself with others” message. While the fact that it’s set in Italy (my favorite country in the world) is a plus, it’s UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN’s universal theme of redemption that clinches it as a favorite for me. Frances Mayes (the movie version) changed her life in step with the remodel of the villa.
The same thing occurs in WE BOUGHT A ZOO. Benjamin Mee is pretty much leveled by the passing of his wife Katherine, but has to be strong for the sake of his kids. When his droll brother Duncan advised him to “start over” that’s exactly what Benjamin does. And just as Frances’ life improved the more she revived her villa, so too does Benjamin’s family regain their footing with the gradual rebirth of the zoo. And Matt Damon does a terrific job of charting Benjamin’s journey from lost, grieving husband to assured, healed family man. Damon is an interesting choice for this role, because he has specialized in playing characters that do not wear rose-colored glasses. Benjamin, on the other hand, is someone who always seems to have a pair close by. You could almost say that Damon is cast against type here, but as with a lot of against-type casting, he makes it work beautifully.
Scarlett Johanssen is good as Kelly Foster, and makes the character into an appealing ally for Benjamin. Johanssen vividly shows Kelly’s gradual arc from seriously doubting him - to becoming his staunchest defender and supporter. She and Damon have a nice easy chemistry that is just right - not too hot (this is a family film, after all, not BASIC INSTINCT), but not too tepid or cool either, otherwise Benjamin and Kelly’s interactions would be uninteresting to watch. Good, solid work from Johanssen.
Collin Ford is also well-cast as Mee’s son Dylan, and Elle Fanning is a perfect match for him as the sweet Lily. The scene where she displays that message to him on the Zoo’s neon sign is my favorite in the whole film. This is matched by the scene where Benjamin counsels Dylan on how to proceed with Lily’s courtship: “All you need is twenty seconds of insane courage - and I promise you great things will come of it.” Something about the way Damon delivers this line just gets to you. And Ford matches him in all of their scenes, with the right fervor.
Thomas Haden Church is a dryly funny delight as Benjamin’s older brother Duncan, and he is the “reality check” that the more dreamy-minded and starry-eyed Benjamin needs. As good as these actors are, though, the show is nearly stolen from them by Maggie Elizabeth Jones as Benjamin’s precious and precocious daughter Rosie. Jones is such a warm and endearing presence that we smiled every time she walked in frame. Her interactions not only with the other characters, but also with the animals, are a joy to watch.
Speaking of the animals, they are just as much characters as the humans are - each with quirks and foibles of their own. My favorite animal scenes involve the bear and the tiger. There’s a lovely scene where Benjamin quietly studies the tiger in his enclosure, and without words, Damon puts forth very clearly the notion of man and beast bonding. Indeed, another message imparted by WE BOUGHT A ZOO (besides redemption and rebirth) could be that taking care of animals actually makes us more human. As the owner of two lovable and quirky cats, I can certainly say that there is some truth to that - I can’t imagine life without them.
In the end, WE BOUGHT A ZOO is lovely, unique film about a family man and his family, and how they find their way back to the light - through the most unexpected of paths. If you only see one Christmas movie this year - see this one…
