(Oh, that’s just fucking gross…)
CAST: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgerton, Ulrich Thomsen, Eric Christian Olsen, Addewale Akinnouye Agbaje, Kim Bubbs.
DIRECTOR: Matthijs Van Heijningen Jr.
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to stay as far the fuck away from Antarctica as you possibly can - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Very cute Columbia University paleontology grad student Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is commissioned by Norwegian prick scientist Dr. Sander Halvorson (Ulrich Thomsen) to check out the “discovery” his team made all the way in the frozen bowels of Antarctica. Not listening to the inner voice that tells her “Fuck, NO!”, Kate agrees - and before you know it, she’s buried underneath several pounds of parka and cold-weather gear, poking her way through the snow and ice. Turns out Dr. Prick’s, er, Dr. Halvorson’s team discovered the following, uh, things: (1) some sort of alien organism frozen in the ice; and (2) some sort of spaceship that looks bigger than most aircraft carriers.
And then as if that’s not foreboding enough, our eggheads decide to take the frozen organism back to their base. And as if that’s not stupid enough, Dr. Halvorson - the fucking numbskull - decides to drill through the ice to obtain a tissue sample - despite Kate’s objections. Sure enough, before you can say “You guys are all fucked!” several things happen: (1) the ice encasing the alien organism melts; (2) the alien organism wakes up; and (3) it is understandably grumpy and proceeds to attack our dumb-ass (except for Kate) scientists, one-by-one. Oh, and it turns out the creature can mimic its victims, so it could be anyone now. See, Kate? I told you should’ve just stayed at Columbia. That’s okay, sweetie. Sometimes, you have to learn the hard way.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Kate Lloyd. And the smokin’ hot American chopper pilot named Carter (Joel Edgerton). They’ve got my vote for “Couple Most Likely To Survive”. But do they? Ahem?
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Joel Edgerton are one fetchin’ duo. Especially with weapons:
MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Kate forcing the other scientists to undergo a “test” to determine who is human and who is a “thing”. Let’s just say I have never been so grateful to have dental fillings.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: The pale-ass Nordic scientists celebrating their “discovery” by singing what appears to be a Norwegian folk song. This is unintentionally scary for two reasons: (1) these choads have no idea that their “discovery” is about to wake up and chomp their pasty behinds; and (2) their singing skills make it painfully clear why they ended up as underpaid scientists stuck down on the South Pole - and not millionaire Grammy-winning rock stars. My cat sings better. And he’s pretty fucking atrocious.
HOTTEST SCENE: I wish I could say there’s a scene where Carter has to take a nice hot shower and we get to admire Joel Edgerton’s body. Alas, it never happened. We have to settle for the scene where the alien has Carter cornered in the kitchen, and Carter braces for the attack with a knife. Edgerton makes abject terror look so sexy. Or am I sick? Don’t answer that.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So… what in the name of everything fucking disgusting did our pale-ass heroes discover in the ice? And where did it come from? What happens when Kate discovers the alien is masquerading as one - or more - of the team members? How will they determine who is human and who isn’t? And what happens if the creature makes it back to civilization? Will humanity be wiped out? Will the scientists have to just sacrifice themselves for the greater good? Or is there another way to escape this madness? And the most urgent question of all: why isn’t there a shower scene with Joel Edgerton in this fucking movie? WHY?!?! Come on, don’t you want to see this naked:
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE THING”: If you liked the 1982 original by John Carpenter, and would like to know what happened to the doomed Norwegian base that kicked off that film’s storyline. And if you like decent, above-average prequel/homages to classic horror/sci-fi/thrillers.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE THING”: If you didn’t like the 1982 original or never saw it or never cared. And if the horror/sci-fi/thriller genre is not your thang. In which case, go see PRETTY WOMAN for the 173rd time.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: In 1982, horror auteur John Carpenter (HALLOWEEN, THE FOG) helmed a remake of the 50’s classic THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD, which was based on the equally-classic horror novella “Who Goes There?” by John W. Campbell. Carpenter’s version shortened the title to just THE THING, and was much more faithful to Campbell’s novel. THE THING (1982) was much-hyped prior to its release, but it ultimately underperformed at the box office. Something interesting happened, though: after its release on home video, THE THING (1982) began to develop a very ardent and loyal following. And now, it is widely regarded as a classic that was just ahead of its time during its initial release - and was overlooked by audiences looking for cheaper thrills.
Bottom line: THE THING (1982) was a terrifying, atmospheric, and claustrophobic chronicle of what happens when a seemingly un-killable organism decimates the staff of a remote Antarctic U.S. research station, one-by-one. Carpenter wisely hewed closely to Campbell’s novella, and played up the dread, paranoia, fear, and uncertainty that plagued the protagonists’ situation. The result was a film that had you on the edge of your seat - and left you with a strong desire to never - ever - set foot on the Antarctic circle. In essence, THE THING (1982) is just as much a slow-burn psychological thriller of how human connection breaks down in crisis, as it is a horror film about alien invasion.
THE THING (2011) was misleadingly advertised as a remake of Carpenter‘s 1982 classic. Even the title is exactly the same, which would indicate a re-imagining of the first movie. In truth, though, THE THING (2011) is more of a prequel. If you’ll recall, the events for the 1982 film were the result of the unseen tragedy at a nearby Norwegian base. The alien contamination escaped from that place through a dog, and infected the nearby American base. In THE THING (1982), we only saw the aftermath of the Norwegian massacre (frozen corpses, ruined buildings, etc.) when the American team went to investigate. THE THING (2011) actually dramatizes what happened at the Norwegian base. As far as the timeline, this film occurs right before the events of the 1982 movie.
Is THE THING (2011) good or even better than THE THING (1982)? The answer is “no”. That’s not to say it’s a bad film - far from it. It’s a solid, above-average horror/thriller that manages to alternately keep us on the edge of our seats and leaning forward with interest. It’s also a different film in feel and tone from the previous one because of the new emphasis on more action. The 1982 film focused on slow-building dread and apprehension, as it became clear that “the thing” was disguising itself as human - and could be anyone. In the 2011 film, the pace is quickened and the plot is sprinkled with chase scenes, battles, explosions, and other ways to accelerate the storyline. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing - just a different approach to portraying the horror. Personally, I prefer the 1982 film’s more gradual build-up of terror.
Another reason the 2011 film doesn’t rate quite as high as the 1982 film is because, by now, the tropes are all familiar: (1) the discovery of the organism; (2) the realization that it is dangerous and capable of mimicking humans, and (3) the mistrust and paranoia that grips everyone when they begin to finally understand their horrible situation. The 2011 film trots out all these cards, and it’s just not as fresh as when we saw it in the 1982 film. For someone who hasn’t see that movie, the 2011 film may register better. For those of us who have, though, it feels like a bit of retread. And the twist at the end simply doesn’t make any sense, no matter how you examine it. And, believe me, we have.
Fortunately, the leads are fairly strong. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is perfect as Kate Lloyd, the Columbia grad student who gets in over her head by becoming involved in the project. Winstead aptly plays Kate as a regular woman who just happens to be smart, courageous, and resourceful. She never comes across as some sort of super-heroine. Indeed, the character of Kate reminds me a bit of Ripley from ALIEN. Both women are strong and capable without announcing it on a bullhorn. Both are poo-pooed and patronized a bit by their male colleagues. Both women finally take charge of the situation when the men fall apart, and end up saving the day. In short, Winstead ably carries the film on her shoulders and clearly shows she has what it takes to be a leading lady, whether in a horror film or other kind of movie.
Australian actor Joel Edgerton successfully suppresses his accent to play Carter, the American pilot who becomes Kate’s ally in trying to survive. With his performances here and in WARRIOR, Edgerton is fast proving to be a formidable and potent screen presence. What’s great about how he plays Carter is the way he accentuates the character’s vulnerability and humanity, instead of turning him into a chest-thumping alpha male. This is especially vivid in the scene where the alien chases Carter and traps him in the kitchen, with only a knife to defend himself with. Interminable seconds go by as we wonder if the alien will follow him into the kitchen - and the expressions of terror and desperation on Edgerton’s face as he waits are smashing. Great work from a very promising actor.
As for the rest of the cast, with the exception of Ulrich Thomsen as Dr. Halvorson and Kim Bubbs as Juliet, the only other female character, I had a hard time telling everyone else apart. They all seemed the same to me. Not so with the cast of the 1982 film, however, who were all distinct and vivid, despite their large number. This is another reason why the 2011 film doesn’t manage to rise above the above average mark. Beyond the film’s leads and the two supporting players mentioned above, the characters just don’t have much, well, character…
In the end, though, THE THING (2011) is a decent prequel to THE THING (1982). It’s buoyed by solid turns from Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Joel Edgerton, and finally gives a reasonably scary answer to the question of “What happened at that Norwegian base?”
