(All lawyers should be this hot… and stacked… and smart… and blonde)
CAST: Reese Witherspoon, Luke Wilson, Matthew Davis, Selma Blair, Victor Garber, Jennifer Coolidge, Holland Taylor, Ali Larter, Jessica Cauffiel.
DIRECTOR: Robert Luketic
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some Blonde-Stereotype-busting shenanigans straight ahead…
Ah, the Beautiful Blonde Man Or Woman… is there a more glorious creature in the Universe? Besides the Hot Italian Man Or Woman, or the Goddess Known As Famke Janssen, that is? I don’t think so. These five archetypes (well, Famke Janssen is actually more of a real person) are pretty much at the top of the Boner-Inducing Food Chain. And with good reason - they are fuckin’ caliente mejor, ese! Don’t believe me? See some examples below:
The Beautiful Blonde Man:
The Beautiful Blonde Woman:
The Hot Italian Man:
The Hot Italian Woman:
And, of course, The Goddess Known As Famke Janssen:
Anyhow, all these archetypes are pretty much timeless and revered, with praises dumped on their understandably fucking stellar beauty. Unfortunately, one of them has also been the butt of just as many jokes. I am referring to the unfortunate and dubious class of humor known as The Dumb Blonde Joke.
I’m not sure how The Dumb Blonde stereotype started, because all the blondes I know are pretty smart, and I’m not going to delay our plot breakdown digging for its genesis here. We’ll save that for the BUT, SERIOUSLY portion of this review, when we will sic that relentless, implacable mother-and-son ghost team from THE GRUDGE after the person (and his friends and family) who started the whole thing. For now, let’s talk about the The Beautiful Blonde at the center of our review, the fabulous Girl Power Comedy (and feature-length Clairol Ad) called LEGALLY BLONDE.
She is Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon), and she’s a graduating senior at California University at Los Angeles or CULA. If that’s not a thinly disguised moniker for UCLA, I don’t know what the hell is. Anyhow, Elle is one of those sunny (figuratively and, with all that blonde hair, literally) chicks that is always smiling and cheerful and you generally want to just buy an ice cream cone for… or a shot of Cuervo Gold.
At any rate, Elle has everything going for her: (1) a position as the Prez of Delta Nu Sorority; (2) a 4.0 GPA to bust that damn Dumb Blonde stereotype; and (3) the thing Elle is most excited about: a hot, rich boyfriend named Warner (Matt Davis) who is East Coast Blue Blood. Please note that Elle loves Warner because he is hot - not because he is rich. She ain’t that kind of Blonde - which you usually find prowling the craps tables in Vegas looking for an easy mark and even easier payday. Long story short, Elle’s World is very nice, indeed.
Elle’s world, however, is turned upside down when Warner turns out to be less of a Handsome Prince, and more of a Ratfuck Sonofabitch Scumbag Dipshit Choad. He basically dumps Elle on the night she thinks he’ll pop The Question. Too bad The Question our Warner asks is not “Will you marry me?” but rather, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore, but would you mind if I swung by sometime for the occasional no-strings attached blowjob?” What’s even worse is Warner’s fucked-up rationale for cutting Elle loose: she’s too “blonde” and he needs someone serious with a dark hair. What in the holy hell?
You can’t really blame Elle for going into something of tailspin, folks. Sadly, this shit goes down every day around the world. Even hot, smart, beautiful blondes like Elle are not immune from it. Being a trooper, though, Elle allows herself to do the “moping-and-watching-soap-operas-while-throwing-candy-at-the-screen-and-screaming-like-a-banshee” thing for only about a week, then she picks herself up, dusts herself off, and launches her recovery plan.
Unfortunately, said recovery plan involves winning Warner back. Well, at least she’s focused and not moping anymore, right? Baby steps, folks, baby steps. The Win Warner Back At Any Cost plan involves the following: (1) moving across the country to Boston, (2) enrolling in Harvard Law School where Warner is now studying, (3) proving to him that she has a brain, and (4) generally giving the men folk (and some of the women folk) some serious hard-ons. As you can imagine, a bright, bubbly blonde with a Fifi creature for a dog prancing around stodgy, serious Harvard, is kind of like me showing up at a Bible study with a stack of Playgirl Magazines. Let’s just say she gets noticed - a lot. And not for the right reasons.
To make matters worse, Elle discovers the following: (1) most of her professors are assholes; (2) most of her classmates are assholes; and (3) Warner is dating a major asshole in the form of Vivian Kensington (Selma Blair). And, oh by the way, Vivian has hair the color of coffee without cream. In other words, Warner may have found the “serious” girlfriend he needs for his image. Frankly, he should just have a Blowjob Competition and see who between Elle and Vivian gives better head. That would settle it for any guy. On that, you better believe me. Fuck the hair color - can she play your flute effectively?
But I digress again. Anyway, it’s not really all doom and gloom for our Beautiful Blonde named Elle Woods. She does find some valuable allies: (1) Emmet (Luke Wilson), a hot, mysterious dude whom she keeps running into on campus; (2) Paulette (Jennifer Coolidge), a sweet blonde with man troubles who turns out to be Elle’s soul sister; and (3) Professor Callahan (Victor Garber), one of Elle’s teachers who seems to appreciate her ability to think outside the box - as opposed to just appreciating her, uh, box.
But will these supporters be enough to help Elle survive her time at Harvard Law School? Will Warner see the error of his way, dump Vivian, and go back to Elle? Or is he really the Ratfuck Sonofabitch Scumbag Dipshit Choad that he was back in California? For that matter, is Vivian really all that bad? Or will Elle find an unexpected friend in her? What about Emmet? Do he and Elle have a future together? And what happens when all of them get pulled into helping Callahan defend another hot blonde named Brooke Taylor Wyndham (Ali Larter) who stands accused of killing her husband? Will Elle finally get to prove her mettle as future lawyer? Or will she stumble?
See the movie and find out. Just remember this: never underestimate Blondes in large numbers. The Hotness Factor alone will be enough to fry your brain.
Now, let’s get a movie started called LEGALLY ITALIAN. I will be the first in line… I think my testicle just exploded.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: In past reviews, we’ve talked about how sometimes a film can overcome any potential flaws with a combination of the following: (1) a strong, charismatic lead; (2) a sharp, clever script; (3) a confident director; and (4) a gallery of vivid supporting roles and the cast to bring them to life. LEGALLY BLONDE has all these things and becomes a solid film because of them.
Reese Witherspoon nails the lead role of Elle Woods. As conceived in the script, Elle is one of those irrepressible, funny women who brighten any room just by walking into it. Sweet, good-natured, hilarious, intelligent, sympathetic, but also feisty in equal measure, Elle makes the ideal lead character for a comedy that seeks to subvert that unfortunate and highly inaccurate Dumb Blonde stereotype. Elle’s fun-loving side doesn’t cancel out her intelligence. In fact, her sensitive empathy sharpens her mental skills to the point where she may actually be smarter than her more “serious” classmates. Witherspoon was already a star when this film came out, so to call it a “star-making performance” would be a misnomer. It would be more correct to call it a “star-cementing performance”. She’s that good.
Witherspoon is aided immensely by a light script that is serious in the right amounts in all the right places. I’ve often found that the smartest scripts, just like the smartest people, conceal it behind a goofy and loose vibe. The script of LEGALLY BLONDE often catches us off-guard with its cleverness. Each of the roles are given sufficient meat for the actors to make them interesting, and Witherspoon graciously cedes center stage to her co-stars to give each of them their “fifteen minutes” in the spotlight.
Speaking of the supporting cast, they’re all aces. Luke Wilson and Matt Davis paint male leads of starkly different shadings: Wilson turns Emmet into a decent, mellow dude whose genuine sincerity occasionally peeks out from behind that casual front, while Davis sharply essays Warner as one of those vain, privileged guys who are all about image and status - but don’t have the first clue about being genuine and consequently stumble because of it. Both actors also invest enough nuance to their roles to round them out properly, and not make them just your basic Good Guy/Bad Guy pairing.
The strongest members of the supporting cast, though, are its women. Selma Blair is terrific as the icy but insecure Vivian Kensington who initially treats Elle horribly, but then realizes the grave error of her ways when she recognizes a soul sister in the latter. Watching Vivian and Elle’s relationship progress from chilly to combative, then finally to reconciling and sisterly, is LEGALLY BLONDE’s best emotional factor. When the end credits tell us that “Elle and Vivian are now best friends”, we believe it wholeheartedly - and its chiefly because of Witherspoon and Blair’s performances and their warm chemistry.
Jennifer Coolidge is a spacey, ditzy delight as Paulette, the shy manicurist whom Elle befriends and helps to not only fight back against an abusive ex-boyfriend, but also to start a relationship with a hunky UPS driver who has his eye on her. Some of LEGALLY BLONDE’s biggest laughs come from the Paulette-Elle relationship thread, especially a dance number about the “Bend and Snap” move to attract a man. You’ll see. Coolidge is a real comic find, and as with Blair and Witherspoon, she and the film’s star mesh very well together.
Also noteworthy are Ali Larter and Holland Taylor as, respectively: (1) Brooke, the Delta Nu sister who finds herself accused of murder, and whom Elle must defend; and (2) Professor Stromwell, an imperious law professor who, like Vivian and everyone else, first underestimates and dismisses Elle - then gradually comes to respect her and her talents. Taylor and Larter’s roles are smaller than Coolidge and Blair’s, but they’re just as memorable.
In the end, though, the best thing about LEGALLY BLONDE is the lesson that its heroine learns: it’s not enough for you to believe in a cause - you have to believe in yourself, as well. And you have to surround yourself with people who support and believe in you. Elle Woods discovers this in her three years at Harvard. What starts out as quest to get Warner back, turns into a journey of self-discovery where she finds out what really matters to her: the law and fighting for it - and not the attention of a man who doesn’t deserve her.
Pretty strong stuff for what’s supposed to be just a “bubblegum comedy”, huh?
Now, seriously: let's get LEGALLY ITALIAN started! It'll be about a Guido who goes to Yale and gets underestimated by everyone, but with the support of a crackhead professor, he proves how smart he is and invents the cure for the common cold and male pattern baldness. Sounds like a winner!
