(I wonder if Prince Harry is this frisky?)
CAST: Julia Stiles, Luke Mably, Ben Miller, Miranda Richardson, James Fox, Alberta Watson, Zachary Knighton, John Bourgeouis, Steven O’Reilly.
DIRECTOR: Martha Coolidge
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one big wish-fulfillment movie - straight ahead…
If I walked up to you and said, “Do you know who Kate Middleton is?” and you replied, “Why, no, Sarcasto. I sure don’t!” then I’d have to make one of three conclusions: (1) you live in a box and rarely venture out; (2) you don’t live in a box or rarely venture out, but you just don’t watch TV, read magazines, surf the Internet, or talk to anyone when you are out and about; or (3) you were born yesterday, which would make your ability to form a vocal response to my query a very amazing feat indeed.
Let’s put it this way: even my cat Casper knows who Kate Middleton is. Today, I asked him: “Hey, you furry piece of shit… do you know who Kate Middleton is?” His reply: “Indeed I do, lowly caretaker of mine. She is the lovely English brunette who is about to marry Prince Andrew. I think they make a very sweet couple. Now fix me my fucking dinner before I show you again how easily my claws can cut through the leather of your favorite jacket. Now, bitch.”
Needless to say, the impending Price Andrew-Kate M. nuptials have got the attention of the world. Right about now would be a great time to release, say, a chick flick about a commoner babe who catches the eye (and heart) of a studly handsome prince. Imagine the box-office take a movie like that would steal from all hopeless romantics (male and female) everywhere. Which leads me to suspect that the producers of our latest review are wishing they would’ve had a crystal ball back in 2004 to use to foretell the future with.
You see, our next flick is the 2004 uber-fairy tale titled THE PRINCE AND ME. Yes, it’s just as you suspect: the Prince Andrew-Kate Middleton story before it was a story. Basically, we have the Prince of Denmark falling for a American farm girl with big dreams. Can’t get any more “wish-fulfillment” than that shit. The only thing that could top that is if I wrote a story about a sarcastic blogger who doesn’t realize Russell Crowe has been following his blog all this time from his ranch in New Zealand (or mansion in Beverly Hills), and one day gets an email invitation from Mr. Gladiator for dinner, a movie, and maybe a little, ahem, “Happy Ending” wrestling to cap the night. Now that’s the ultimate Fairy Tale. Let me dream, fuckers…
But I digress. Again. Back to our, ahem, royal romance. Basically, THE PRINCE AND ME should’ve been released in 2011 - not 2004. Think of the throngs of Andrew-Kate devotees who’d sleep on sidewalks before opening weekend. Never mind that the folks in this flick aren’t actually Andrew and Kate. The mere fact that the story is similar will be enough to part them from their hard-earned cash - several times, mark my word. Makes shooting tuna in a barrel look exceedingly difficult.
Our Commoner Babe is Paige Morgan (Julia Stiles), a chick from humble Wisconsin farming roots who wants to be a doctor very bad. Like most future physicians, Paige is smart, focused, dedicated, and doesn’t have much time for partying. She’s in her senior year at the University of Wisconsin and seems destined to talk about nothing but med school and how she wants to save the world. Which is great - unless you’re one of Paige’s friends who must listen to this shit for, like, the 783rd time. Then it’s kind of grating.
Thankfully, something happens to shake Paige of the boring track she seems to have assigned herself to: the arrival of “Eddie.” Eddie is Danish, and has just transferred to U Wis. He doesn’t seem to be your average foreign student, though. To wit, he: (1) he a man-servant named Soren; (2) talks like an aristocratic choad; (3) acts like an aristocratic choad; and (4) looks like an aristocratic choad. Needless to say, he and the earthy-to-the-point-of-ridiculousness Paige hit it off like Zinedine Zidane and Marco Materazzi at the World Cup 2006 final. In other words: cue the headbutts.
Soon, though, Eddie begins to descend from his high horse and act like a normal college student. Before you know it, Paige is doing the following things: (1) inviting him back to her farm for Thanksgiving; (2) making googley eyes at him while studying; (3) making kissy-kissy with him in the library stacks; and (4) generally behaving less like a studious future doctor, and more like a slutty future porn star.
Then, during one of their heated grope-a-thons in dusty recesses if the library, Paige and Eddie are interrupted by a couple of tabloid reporters. The sleazoids snap photos of the two in near-flagrante, forcing them to run out into the rain and have a serious tiff. During the altercation, Paige finds out the following: (1) Eddie is really Edward, as in Prince Edward of Denmark, as in The Denmark; (2) he came to U Wis to try to live a normal life for once; and (3) Paige is about to become the World’s Most Famous Slut when those photos get printed.
Paige’s reaction to all of this is probably one of the more puzzling twists in cinema history: she screams, “You LIED to me!!!!!!!!” Excuse me? You discover that the hot blonde dude who really knows how to light up your loins is really a Crown Prince - and you’re pissed? Sweetie, I think we need to have a little discussion about the reverse of this scenario that is, unfortunately, far more common: Crown Princes who are actually toads. Let me just come out and say it: you need to be a little more grateful, bitch. You don’t want Prince Eddie? I’ll take him. They can call me the “Royal Fluffer.”
Will Paige and Eddie’s union survive this “awful” revelation? Or will Eddie head back home to Denmark to assume his princely duties? If he does, will Paige follow him? Will she fight to get him back? Will he even want her back? Or will he lick his wounds and just find another babe to squire? And does Paige realize that if she reconciles with Eddie, she’s going to eventually have to be… Queen Paige?
Like I said: BOO-HOO, PAIGE. CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER…
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Some films have such an engaging and timeless hook that any implausibilities and inconsistencies are easily smoothed over. THE PRINCE AND ME’s premise is one example. Who hasn’t wondered what it would be like to be romanced by royalty and have to move through that world? I’d imagine it would be a proposition that would eventually prove to be quite complicated in the end: learning the mores and protocols of royal life, sacrificing personal needs for national duty, dealing with the unrelenting spotlight, etc.
It also helps that Julia Stiles and Luke Mably are ideally cast as the driven Paige and the charming Edward. Both are given characters who are many-sided and grow during the course of the film. Paige is someone whose myopic ambition has prevented her from enjoying life as she should, and is released from the shackles of her own creation by her relationship with Eddie. Eddie, on the other hand, starts out a reckless, irresponsible party-boy. However, upon meeting the intimidatingly structured Paige, he gradually learns some discipline and humility. In essence, these two change each other for the better: Paige learns to let her feet off the ground a little, while Eddie learns to keep them planted on it more firmly. That’s how all good relationships should be.
The supporting cast is full of great turns from Ben Miller, James Fox, and - especially - Miranda Richardson as the Queen of Denmark whose chilly regard for Paige gradually warms when she realizes the maturing influence this American has on her son. It’s a gem of performance, and Richardson deserves credit for making it so.
The only quibble I have with THE PRINCE AND ME is, as with GREEN CARD (review # 295), in some of the details: Thanksgiving in Wisconsin and Christmas in Denmark are not as warm, weather-wise, as portrayed in this film. I’ve been to both places right around those times, and I can tell you that the trees do not have leaves, and you do not walk around without a jacket. Also, I doubt a Royal Prince of Edward’s stature would be able to secretly leave Denmark and enroll in a prestigious American university without the press catching wind of it almost immediately.
In the end, though, THE PRINCE AND ME is such an engaging and entertaining ride that you find yourself consciously setting those faults aside - and just going with the flow. It’s a solid romantic comedy with a timeless premise and talented cast who fit their roles like a sleek glove. That’s more than enough to recommend it…
