(Just what I always suspected: aliens from outer space really look like Moray Eels with Jon Bon Jovi rocker haircuts…)
CAST: Dee Wallace Stone, Billy Green Bush, Billy Zane, Nadine Van Der Velde, Scott Grimes, Lin Shaye, M. Emmet Walsh.
DIRECTOR: Stephen Herek
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and pretty strong parallel to LILO AND STITCH - straight ahead…
Ah, the 80’s… That magical era when shoulder pads were behemoth, hair was even more herculean, and you could count on cheesy, low-budget rip-offs to flood the cinemas not too long after their classier (and more expensive) progenitors. For every INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM, we had to suffer at least a dozen knock-offs with titles like KING SOLOMON’S MINES, SKY PIRATES, THE PERILS OF GWENDOLINE, and FIREWALKER. For every PORKY‘S (which wasn‘t any great shakes to begin with), we had to endure at least ten low-rent (if that’s possible) clones going by monikers like SCREWBALLS, PRIVATE SCHOOL, JOCKS, SENIOR WEEK, THE FIRST TIME, ZAPPED, HOLLYWOOD HOT TUBS, and - the most subtly-titled one - JOYSTICKS.
Basically, if any movie made decent bank in the 80’s, it was soon imitated, repackaged under another title, and tossed onto the market for undiscriminating moviegoers to lap up like so much gelato melting off some hot lifeguard’s chest. Most of these knock-offs saw theatrical releases, because the “direct-to-video” phenomenon had unfortunately not taken hold just yet. Imagine saying to your date, “Say, babe… Wanna go have dinner tonight and then go see JOYSTICKS?” Then imagine having to actually pay for parking just to see the fucking thing.
Which brings us to our latest review, which is basically a rip-off of GREMLINS with a little E.T. and ALIEN thrown in for good measure. The movie is called CRITTERS, and its creators obviously weren’t fucking around: they must have figured if they were going unleash a knock-off on us, they’d cannibalize as much as they could. Even LILO AND STITCH, which would not come out for another 16 years. I guess I could say that LILO AND STITCH cloned CRITTERS, but I’m not even going to go there. I mean, seriously… who would clone CRITTERS? Ahem?
Anyhow, our story revolves around a large ball full of the title voracious creatures that escapes from its home planet - and heads towards ours. Apparently, they heard that we’ve got a much better climate and a more comely-looking population. Not hard to pull off, considering the creatures’ home planet looks a lot like a city garbage dump staffed by people who look like they pulled a white garbage bag tight over their faces and decided to leave it there for eternity. Let’s just say this is probably not a planet with supermodels. Unless you count a pink garbage bag instead of a white one pulled tight over your head as more attractive.
At any rate, the Big Ball of Beasties crash lands in a small rural town in what sure looks like a Red State. Before you know it, the ugly, uh, critters have infested the town and rapidly introduce the townspeople to the business end of their very sharp teeth. Have no fear, though, because the Planet That Looks Like A Garbage Dump has sent forth a bounty hunter (Terrence Mann) to catch and kill these nasty “Crites”, as he calls them. I should point out the bounty hunter’s name is Ugg, and considering that underneath his Earth rocker disguise he is really about as attractive as a guy wearing a garbage bag over his head, the name is entirely appropriate.
Unfortunately, our Red State townspeople get caught in the crossfire of the battle between Ugg and the critters. Mostly, they are the Brown family and several close friends: (1) Helen (Dee Wallace Stone), momma Brown; (2) Jay (Billy Green Bush); poppa Brown; (3) April (Nadine Van Der Velde), slutty daughter Brown; (4) Brad (Scott Grimes), rambunction son Brown; (5) Steve (Billy Zane), April’s boy toy; and (6) Harv (M. Emmett Walsh), your basic Red State sheriff.
There are a bunch of other town folks who must fend off the critters, but most of them wind up as lunch meat, so let’s not waste any time on them. What will happen to the Brown Family, et al.? Will they successfully fight off the critter invasion? Or will they learn first-hand what it feels like to have five dozen needle-like teeth pierce your ass? Will Ugg save the day and send those nasty things back to the Planet That Looks Like A Garbage Dump? Or will he realize he’s named after one of the most popular footwear in the Universe and try to get his cut of the company stock?
I would. You know I would. Screw the Red State townspeople and the critters. Let them eat each other up.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Like I wrote above, CRITTERS comes across as a low-budget blend of ALIEN, E.T., and GREMLINS. The problem is those films have all aged well, and are just as entertaining and enjoyable as they were when they first came out in the late 70’s/early 80’s. They also have decent special effects which help us buy into the stories. CRITTERS, on the other hand, has aged quite badly, and boasts some rather lame F/X that constantly undermine the narrative.
To be fair, CRITTERS doesn’t have the high budget that those other films enjoyed, so it’s only natural that the special effects may not be up to par. However, the problem with this movie goes much deeper than that. It’s just not interesting enough. The pace is too slow in the first half of the film, and it takes too long for the creatures to join the plot. Normally, I am a proponent of thrillers and horror films taking the time to flesh out their characters before unleashing the mayhem. Unfortunately, the characters in CRITTERS are generally so thin and dull that these scenes are a chore to get through. Dee Wallace Stone (the mother in E.T.) does the best she can with her role, and so do the rest of the cast with theirs. In the end, though, the whole movie is weakened not only by the substandard special effects but also by the fact that the critters themselves are such boring, one-note adversaries. You didn’t feel that way about the monsters in ALIEN and GREMLINS.
Still, CRITTERS does have a very loyal following, including Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert who both gave the movie a “Thumbs Up.” I respect their opinion, but I just don’t get it.
