(This I know to be true: if the staff sergeants in my squadron were as hot as Aaron Eckhart and Ramon Rodriguez , there’s no way I would’ve left the military…)
CAST: Aaron Eckhart, Michelle Rodriguez, Bridget Moynahan, Ramon Rodriguez, Cory Hardrict, Gino Anthony Pesi, Ne-Yo, Michael Pena.
DIRECTOR: Jonathan Liebesman
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and fairly strong reasons to stay out of L.A. County - straight ahead…
Ever been on a date with someone who has the smokin’ hot face and bod of a Playboy/Playgirl centerfold? Someone that just makes you ready to sell your first-born just for the chance to know what their tits taste like? Or rub your chin all over their chest hair? Or give them a rubdown with Neutrogena Body Oil (I never have less than three bottles in my bathroom cabinet) - before playing Nekkid Twister? Or play “Last One Outta The Bathtub Has To Dry The Other With His Tongue“? Or take an egg-beater and make them--
Okay, stop. Goddamnit… Stop.
Where was I… oh, yeah. My point is we’ve all gone out with someone who was Grade A Hottie - only to discover, in some cases, that they have the personality of wet toilet paper. In other words, someone who’s hotter than the sun but is more boring than a Payless Shoe Source sale. Look, I don’t ask for my sex objects to be rocket scientists, okay? Just fun-loving, goofy, hilarious, and interesting. And when I don’t get that, well… you can look like Jason Statham or Scarlett Johanssen, but I’m afraid I’m getting off the ride after a few dates (after I get tired of using the egg-beater on them - ahem) if you can't make me laugh or smile.
Anyway, the same goes for movies. There are some films that are awesome, kinetic, kick-ass experiences - as long as no one is talking too much. But the minute the characters opens their mouths, the fun gradually gets sucked out of the air like my judgment after the sixth bottle of Merlot. We’re talking dialogue riper than those super-melons that Cindy Crawford uses for her anti-aging skincare line (I‘m not talking about her breasts, pervs…). We’re talking dialogue cheesier than the entire output of Parmigiano, Italy and Velveeta, Wisconsin - combined.
I like to call these flicks “Speak Softly But Carry A Big Stick” Flicks. Actually, we wish they would speak softly, because when they do, the movie is fucking amazing. When they don’t, you look over at your buddy and ask, “Who wrote this dialogue? A bunch of movie theatre-ushers and their pets? Ahem?” Our next review is one such film, the recent alien invasion (#1 box-office weekend draw) BATTLE: LOS ANGELES. When its characters are just shutting the fuck up, the movie is a trip. When they insist on, you know, talking and shit it turns into a trip - to the concession stand.
Our hero is Staff Sergeant Michael Nantz (Aaron Eckhart), and he and his posse (well, platoon would be more appropriate, I guess) of marines are about to deploy somewhere in two weeks, so they’re enjoying their last days of freedom in sunny Camp Pendleton, CA. Some of our jarheads (I say that with utmost respect - really) include (1) Lt. William Martinez (Ramon Rodriguez), married man and father-to-be (AKA Dead Meat); (2) Cpl Jason Lockett (Cory Hardrict), marine with attitude; (3) Cpl Nick Stavrou (Gino Anthony Pesi), another marine with, uh, attitude; (4) Cpl Kevin Harris (Ne-Yo), yet another marine with attitude; and (5) a whole bunch of other marines with attitudes. Let’s just say these folks - with the exception of hotties Nantz and Martinez - all look alike with their helmets and body armor.
Anyhow, our platoon’s “Let’s Live It Up Before We Deploy To Someplace Miserable!” plans are rudely (really rudely) interrupted by the arrival of a shitload of meteors from outer space. Said meteors seems to be targeting coastal areas - and are slowing down as they descend closer to Earth. Now, folks, I’ll come right out and say that I’m dumber than a box of rocks, but even I know that crap about a falling body accelerating the farther it falls. Which means that the “meteors” slowing down as they near our planet can only mean one of three possible things: (1) our science teachers duped us; (2) these meteors are special meteors; or (3) these meteors are actually aliens out to colonize us for our resources and basically make us their bitches.
All those who think we’re dealing with option 3, please raise your hands. Besides those of you who have seen the trailers and actually know what the hell this movie is about, that is…
Yes, sir. Seems like we gotz ourselves a good-old fashioned alien invasion up in Southern Cali, yo. But pardon our marine platoon for not being as jazzed as me over this development - because they are recalled from their partyin’ to carry out some search and rescue missions in the middle of the madness. Can’t say I blame them: I’ve been on the receiving end of a “Let’s Live It Up Before We Deploy To Someplace Miserable!” vacation - and you cannot afford to waste one minute of it fending off a bunch of cockroaches with laser guns. Anything besides booze, sex, and a hot tub is a major incovenience and considered poor partying skills.
Will our marines beat the aliens? Or will the aliens spank them into the next dimension? What happens when Nantz and his men run into a hot Air Force Intel Tech (Michelle Rodriguez) and an even hotter veterinarian (Bridget Moynahan)? Will they find some time for some Cali Lovin’ amidst all the alien-human internecine warfare? Or am I a demented pervert for expecting any kind of sex scene in a movie like this?
Peanut Gallery, shut the fuck up.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: As I wrote above, BATTLE: LOS ANGELES is a bracingly good action-thriller that drops you right in the middle of the action, while loading up on the atmosphere and crackling tension. That is, until we get to some key dialogue scenes that are filled with purple, jingoistic prose that only succeeds in calling attention to how silly the actors sound. Had these scenes been rewritten - or omitted entirely - BATTLE: LOS ANGELES would rate substantially higher. As it is, it’s merely a solidly good flick.
Aaron Eckhart and Ramon Rodriguez are the standouts among the male cast, with Ne-Yo coming in a close second. Each of these men make their characters distinct, which is always a challenge when everyone is wearing the same uniform and running around in dimly-lit scenes.
The female cast is limited to Michelle Rodriguez and Bridget Moynahan, with Rodriguez getting substantially more to do than Moynahan. At least the latter’s character is given some vet skills needed to perform an impromptu examination of a captive alien. Other than that, Moynahan is pretty much wasted. Rodriguez, on the other hand, gets a better showcase as the Air Force Intel Tech who proves she’s just as lethal and capable as the men around her.
Special mention should also go to Brian Tyler’s musical score, which manages to be a pulsating experience in fear and tension. One to definitely seek out and listen to during a workout to get the blood going…
All in all, BATTLE: LOS ANGELES is a good film that could have actually reached classic status, were it not for some really bad dialogue. This shouldn’t keep you from rushing out to watch it, though, because those action scenes play like gangbusters on the big screen.
