(Oh, the fucking irony…)
CAST: Nick Scotti, Anthony Barrile, Anthony DeSando, Christopher Lawford, Molly Price, Jennifer Esposito, Craig Chester.
DIRECTOR: Tony Vitale
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and two utterly mismatched future best buds straight ahead…
I know he’s a fictional character, but if I ever run into Warren (Anthony Barrile), the gay hero of our next review, in some parallel universe where real people and movie characters freely co-mingle, I have the perfect gift for him. See below:
Before you start thinking that Warren’s involved in some hot-and-sweaty affair with some smokin’ hot Italian dude, let me bring you down to Earth for a second. Warren is indeed involved with a smokin’ hot Italian dude named Frankie (Nick Scotti). But there is no sweat and there is no sex. Nope, these two are just very good friends and have zero chance of ever getting it on, considering Warren is as gay as a parakeet and Frankie is as straight as a, well, a Guido from the Bronx. And that title is only meant to be ironic. Frankie and Warren’s “Bromance” is a platonic, brotherly, and thoroughly unexpected love. Hence the T-shirt above.
It doesn’t start out like that, though. No, sir. Not even close. Frankie and Warren’s saga gets started when Warren’s flamer of a best friend Terry (Craig Chester), who looks like he drank a blended shake made from every single gay cliché and stereotype under the sun, puts an ad in the paper for a roommate to move into Warren’s Greenwich Village flat. Why is Terry doing this, you ask? Well, Warren’s too proud to do it himself. The fact remains, though, that he needs help with the rent. Pronto. Or else he might be doing the MIDNIGHT COWBOY thing. If you know what I mean.
Over in the Bronx, which might as well be three countries away culturally, our straight Italian-American, gold chain-wearing, Stallone-quoting hero (AKA Guido) Frankie, an aspiring actor, discovers his girlfriend (Jennifer Esposito) banging his sleazy brother, Fino (Anthony DeSando). Frankie is so pissed off about this unpleasant discovery that he decides to move out… of his parents’ house that he shares with his brother. Not exactly a dignified exit, if you ask me.
Anyhow, Frankie just happens to spot the ad that Terry put in the paper. Unfortunately, Frankie - true to Guido fashion - misinterprets “GWM seeks same for roommate in spacious apartment in Little Italy”. Really misinterprets. Specifically, our smokin’ hot but rather naïve hero thinks “GWM” means - oh, Lord in Heaven - “Guy With Money.” Not, you know, “Gay. White. Male.” Which is what Warren is a sterling example of.
Before you can say “The Odd Couple”, Frankie turns up at Warren’s apartment wanting to move in. After all, he sees himself as, ahem, a “Guy With Money”. Warren, for his part, is absolutely terrified at the prospect of sharing an apartment with a “breeder”. Or, to be exact, a “breeder” who is also a “Guido”. Frankie, on the other hand, quickly realizes what “GWM” really means and has his own little mini-freakout. Before you can say “The Odd Couple” again, Warren and Frankie part ways like a cat and a hot tin roof.
Fortunately, some higher force must be at work here, because our two heroes soon find themselves in each other’s orbit again. Realizing Frankie has nowhere else to turn to, Warren lets the smokin’ hot Guido crash on his couch until they can figure things out. As if he doesn‘t have enough man trouble to deal with, Warren’s ratfuck-bastard-sonofabitch-schmuck of an ex-boyfriend, Dakota (Christopher Lawford), shows up wanting Warren to star in a play that he’s doing. First of all, let me just say that guys named “Dakota” are nothing but trouble. They’re worse than guys named “Thorne“ or “Ridge.” Avoid them at all costs. This is a lesson, apparently, that our Warren has yet to learn.
But it turns out Warren might actually be smarter than we gave him credit for, because he refuses to kow-tow to Dakota’s game-playing. Instead, he unleashes some games of his own. Natch. Specifically, Warren convinces Frankie to pretend to be his boyfriend. Oh, sure… he explains this ploy by saying he’s helping Frankie’s career, and that Dakota will only cast Frankie in his play if Dakota thinks he’s gay. But who is Warren kidding? This is the oldest trick in the book. If an ex-boyfriend came sniffing around, all contrite and shit, and I had a straight hottie who looked like Nick Scotti conveniently nearby, you bet your ass I’d be forcing that Guido to play my new Flavor of the Month.
Anyhow, how will this “role-playing” affect Frankie and Warren’s budding friendship? Will it cement their bond? Or challenge it? What happens when Frankie and Warren discover they actually click? Will they end up best buds? Or will one (or both) of them fight this natural connection? I guess it all boils down to one vital question: can a Guido and a Fag actually be great friends?
That remains to be seen. One thing I can tell you definitively is this: If I run into Warren in that parallel universe I mentioned before, this is what will say to him: “I changed my mind, dude. Get your own goddamned T-shirt. I‘m keeping this one.”
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Some movies just win you over with a potent combo of charm, chutzpah, and sincerity. KISS ME, GUIDO is one of those movies. Featuring a virtually unknown cast that seizes ownership of their roles and spikes them over the net, this movie has the crowd-pleasing feel of a studio movie - but also the quirky, intimate feel of an independent feature. And like the best “Odd Couple” pairings, KISS ME, GUIDO succeeds primarily because of the unusual pair at its center - and the strong chemistry between the talented actors playing them.
Nick Scotti is a real find as Frankie. I can’t imagine anyone else playing this character and hitting all the right levels of goofy boyishness, feisty toughness, and hidden intelligence as Scotti. Not even a young DeNiro or Pacino. What Scotti has that those two legends don’t is a sort-of irresistible “doofus” quality that he can use to both meet and subvert audience expectations. Such as the quick way that Frankie gets over his shock of Warren being gay - and sees beyond that one trait to appreciate the full, complex human being underneath.
Actually, Frankie is the more accepting and open-minded of the two leads. Warren spends most of the first two acts fighting their growing bond - and trying to find reasons why they can’t be friends. Frankie, on the other hand, just keeps on coming like a smiling, eager puppy-dog and gradually dismantles Warren’s defenses. The scenes where Warren finally loosens up and just lets the friendship happen are some of KISS ME, GUIDO’s best scenes. There are some friendships that forge themselves, against all odds, and this is one of them.
As Warren, Anthony Barrile is a good match for Scotti. While he may be a more closed-off and less colorful character than Frankie, Warren is no less interesting. No-nonsense, direct, and suffering no fools gladly, he’s quite the formidable ball-buster. Which makes his clashes with the persistent and stubborn Frankie very entertaining to watch. Witness this hilarious encounter:
WARREN: You can’t live here, Frankie. If the Fag Police found out I was living with a Guido, they’d ban me from the club.
FRANKIE: I am not a Guido.
WARREN: No?
FRANKIE: No.
WARREN: Oh, really? Where are you from? Queens?
FRANKIE: The Bronx!
WARREN: Ah. How many gold chains do you own?
FRANKIE: A few…
WARREN: Ah. Who’s your favorite actor?
FRANKIE: DeNiro’s the better actor - but I like Stallone.
WARREN: You are such a Guido!!!!!!
Priceless. Just priceless. KISS ME, GUIDO is filled with scenes like these that Scotti and Barrile sell with their electric chemistry. You buy that Frankie and Warren would hit it off despite their seemingly vast differences. As with the strongest friendships, they don’t choose it - it chooses them. These two rank right up there with some of the best cinematic “Odd Couples” of all time.
The supporting cast is strong and reliable, especially Craig Chester as the uber-bitchy but also uber-loyal Terry, Warren’s best friend - before Frankie comes along, that is. Jennifer Esposito is also quite alluring in an early role. But make no mistake: this movie belongs to Nick Scotti and Anthony Barrile. Scotti, in particular, almost steals the show. It’s a shame that he chose to retire from acting at such a young age. But you have to admire him for walking away from what could’ve been a DeNiro or Pacino-like career to live a normal life. Go, Guido…
In the end, KISS ME, GUIDO is a keeper. It’s a charming, offbeat, memorable valentine to all “Odd Couples” and unexpected friendships everywhere.
