Theatrical Cut: *** out of *****
Uncut Version: ***½ out of *****
(Time to call the Intergalactic Orkin Man…)
CAST: Sigourney Weaver, Charles Dance, Charles Dutton, Brian Glover, Paul McGann, Danny Webb, Lance Henriksen, Ralph Brown.
DIRECTOR: David Fincher
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one dirty dog of an alien - literally - straight ahead…
Imagine this, if you will:
You are at a party, and some of the attendees are fellow film geeks. The five of you are standing outside on the deck, with the music and voices from inside nothing but a muffled drone. You guys are having an involved conversation about the best sci-fi films of all time. Everything’s going fine - until you say something that basically brings the whole conversation to a screeching halt. The four other guys glare at you like you just said you basically had an orgy with their girlfriends (and boyfriends) the night before. And filmed the whole thing and posted it on Xtube.
Later, on the drive home, the Friend With Benefits that you went with to the party finally asks you, “What the hell did you say to those dorks out on the deck? I just happened to look out the window and they looked like they wanted to kill you!”
“Oh, my God…” you reply. “All I said was: ‘I actually kind of liked ALIEN 3’!”
Now it’s your Friend With Benefits turn to glare at you. He, apparently, like the four dorks back at the party, does not share your opinion about ALIEN 3.
Yes, folks. This is something that actually happened to me. There are some folks out there who absolutely loathe, loathe, loathe ALIEN 3. So much so that you would be forgiven for thinking the movie was actually some sort of snuff film with a very big budget. If you want to wind up on the average sci-fi film geek’s shit list, just tell him you liked ALIEN 3. Then prepare for the Glare of Death. Or worse: The Squint of Disbelief.
Honestly, I can’t really say I blame them. ALIENS, the film before ALIEN 3, was such an awesome and satisfying experience. Basically chronicling Ellen Ripley’s (Sigourney Weaver) return to Planet LV-27 to conquer her figurative and literal demons in the form of them pesky Xenomorphs (or “Aliens” to us laypersons), ALIENS was like finally banging the hottie of your dreams. In other words: a sublime experience.
Then ALIEN 3 came along and basically wiped out all the groundwork that ALIENS paved. Those of you who have seen both films know what I’m talking about. The writers might as well have had Ripley wake up and realize everything that happened in ALIENS was a goddamned dream. If we continue the “finally banging the hottie of your dreams” metaphor that we used to describe ALIENS, then it’s entirely appropriate to describe ALIEN 3 as “subsequently discovering that the hottie of your dreams was just a blow-up doll.” In other words: “Bye-bye, Boner.”
ALIEN 3 picks up right after ALIENS ends - with the four survivors from the previous film in deep hypersleep on the USS Sulaco as it travels back to the Big Blue Marble called Earth. Unfortunately, it appears the Queen Alien surreptitiously laid on the ship, and the resultant face-hugger totally cock-blocks our heroes’ slumber. Before you know it, the Sulaco’s mainframe computer is ejecting the cryo capsules into a skiff - and ejecting that bitch into space. See? It hasn’t even been two minutes, and already our buzz from ALIENS is gone.
The skiff crash lands on Fiorina 161 - or “Fury”. Fury is a former prison planet that has a huge pest problem - and I’m not just talking about the few inmates that have been left behind to run the place. I’m referring to billions of lice that seem to frolic everywhere in this God-forsaken place. Because of this infestation, the denizens of Fury need to shave their heads and, presumably, other body areas. Insert “man-scaping” joke here. Ha ha. It doesn’t take long for Ripley to mimic the local populace’s cue-ball look. You know what I mean…
Anyhow, let me just break the bad news now and say that Ripley is the only who survives the skiff’s crash. Newt and Hicks? Well, they’re toast. And Bishop the loyal android? He’s just one short circuit away from the scrap heap - in other words, pretty much toast. So those of you who may have gotten attached to these characters may want to slink off and do some Tequila shots to assuage your grief.
The head of the prison colony (Brian Glover) immediately takes a dislike to Ripley for three reasons: (1) she’s a woman in an all-male prison colony; (2) she might incite some riots because of her presence; and (3) she keeps on insisting on doing autopsies on Hicks and Newt’s bodies. Oh, and there’s the added fact that Ripley is generally pretty assertive - and if there’s anything a chauvinist egotistical dickhead hates, it is an assertive woman.
As Ripley checks out the bodies of her fallen comrades, she strikes up a friendship with gentle prison doctor Clemens (Charles Dance). Ripley wants to tell him the story of what happened on LV-427, but can’t decide if she trusts him or not. So, instead, she fucks him. Unfortunately, before she can confide in him any further, who should show up but our friendly neighborhood alien to fuck shit up.
Apparently, as we discussed before, a face-hugger alien stowed away on the skiff. And when the skiff crashed, the alien skipped, hopped, and jumped its way to the prison colony where it promptly “impregnated” a dog. All together now: “yuck.” I don’t have to tell you that the resultant warrior alien that rips out of the mutt is unusually rabid and fast. Which doesn’t exactly bode well for the residents of Fury 161, since the place apparently is completely bereft of weapons or any kind of technology. How, then, are these folks supposed to defend themselves from the whirling dervish of teeth, claws, and acid blood that is coming their way?
Will the prisoners band together to battle the beast in their midst? Who will survive? Can Ripley get lucky three times in a row? Or is she finally going to meet her maker? Why is she feeling more and more sick? Could there be a connection to the fact that the warrior alien seems to be - gasp! - protecting her? What’s going on here? Does the alien have an agenda of some sort? If so, what is it?
Presumably, it doesn’t involve winning over the hearts and minds of rabid sci-fi geeks everywhere. Jeez…
BUT, SERIOUSLY: In our most recent review for CATWOMAN (review # 237), we talked about a category of unjustly-maligned films called the “Bum Rap Genre.” Basically films in this category are vilified beyond belief, but are actually not all that bad. They’re not great, either, or even good - but they do not deserve the title of “Worst Movie Ever.”
There are different reason why a film might become a Bum Rap Flick. Sometimes, public or industry sentiment for the star of the movie may not be the strongest. Other times, it’s the director whom certain factions are rooting for to fail. Other times, the films themselves just do not live up to the hype and promise generated in the press. Or worse: if they are sequels, they do not live up to the glory of their predecessors. Case in point: BASIC INSTINCT 2 and THE EXORCIST 2. Both films were technically average, even okay. But they just couldn’t hold a candle to the originals.
The same is true for ALIEN 3. After the runaway success of ALIENS, which took the brooding menace of ALIEN and kicked it up more than a notch, fans were essentially expecting more of the same. Unfortunately (or, fortunately, depending on the way you look at it), director David Fincher refused to deliver the same kinetic roller-coaster ride that James Cameron gave us. Instead, Fincher’s bleak vision looks back to the original ALIEN, with its dark and cerebral atmosphere of slow-building dread.
But Fincher also goes further by making some uncompromising decisions: (1) killing off Newt and Hicks, both popular characters from the previous film; (2) drawing religious parallels to Ripley’s plight; and (3) Ripley’s ultimate fate. I remember hearing a rumor back in 1992 when the film was in production about what was supposed to happen to Ripley at the end of ALIEN 3. I distinctly remember thinking, “They’d never do that.” Well, they did. And whether or not you agree with this decision, you have to give Fincher and his writers credit for not flinching or knuckling under.
Same goes for Sigourney Weaver, who knows Ellen Ripley inside and out by now. Her portrayal of Ripley is appropriately defeated and tired in this installment - understandable since, in an especially cruel twist, she’s lost two meaningful things she’d recently found: Hicks and Newt. Weaver vividly juggles Ripley’s devastation with her innate resilience - but wisely never overplays either. Ripley has never been more human than in his film, and, ironically, she’s never appeared stronger.
One of ALIEN 3’s biggest flaws is that there are too many characters to tell apart - and eventually we just give up. With the exception of a handful of main characters, the rest of the prisoners are all faceless and interchangeable. It doesn’t help that, with all their shaved heads, they all look the same. Out of this supporting network of characters, though, it’s Charles Dance, Ralph Brown, and Danny Webb who score as, respectively: (1) Clemens, the gentle but haunted doctor who befriends Ripley; (2) Aaron, the good-hearted bureaucrat who does his best to balance his sympathy for Ripley with his loyalty to the Company; and (3) Morse, the most irreverent and foul-mouthed of the inmates who becomes a pivotal player in wiping out the alien at the end.
In the end, ALIEN 3 is nowhere near as bad as everyone makes it out to be. It is actually a good film - especially the longer assembly cut - and deserves to stand next to ALIEN and ALIENS as its own unique, stark chapter in the eventful life (and death) of Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley.
