(You can exorcise me any day, baby…)
CAST: Anthony Hopkins, Colin O’Donoghue, Alice Braga, Ciaran Hinds, Rutger Hauer, Toby Jones, Marta Gastini, Maria Grazia Cuccinotta, Arianna Veronesi, Andrea Calligari.
DIRECTOR: Mikael Haftstrom
WARNING: Some SPOILERS, a demonic Anthony Hopkins, and one smokin’ hot Catholic priest - straight ahead….
Ah, Rome. The Eternal City. The Most Beautiful City in the Most Beautiful Country in the World with the Most Beautiful People on the planet. You’d think living there would be awesome, right?
Wrong. If the movies are anything to go by, then not a week goes by in Bella Roma without some fucked-up shite going down. In MOTHER OF TEARS (review # 39), Rome was the site of a would-be apocalypse involving an art student played by Asia Argento and a bunch of witches who looked like rejects from some 80’s rock video. In one of our recent reviews, THE CARD PLAYER (review # 229), Rome was plagued by a serial killer who abducted women and then challenged the local police to video poker - with the unfortunate lasses’ necks on the line.
It’s enough to make you skip Rome altogether and head on straight to Capri. Where you might actually catch a glimpse of Keanu Reeves or Russell Crowe. That’s enough for me.
But I digress. As usual. So back to lovely Rome and its not-so-lovely tendency to attract some seriously bizarre cinematic activity. This time, the city has to deal with demonic possession. And the sight of Anthony Hopkins without his shirt on. But I guess if we younger folk are getting Colin O’Donoghue in a tank top, the older crowd needs their eye candy, too.
The smokin’ hot (if you doubt me, look at the fucking pictures above) O’Donoghue plays priest-in-training Michael Kovak, who has left the family business run by pops Istvan (Rutger Hauer) to pursue a career as a man of the cloth. By the way, I should mention that the family business is running a mortuary. Yes, folks. Our hot Mikey has chucked a life as mortician to be… a priest. Not exactly diametrical opposites, if you ask me. Looking the way he does, couldn’t he have just, you know, decided to become a male stripper instead? Or at least a construction worker?
And since we’re on the subject, there ought to be some kind of rule that says if you’re smokin’ hot, you should not be allowed to become a priest. Because all that does is distract us perverts in the crowd during the rare occasions that we go to church. I should know. I once attended a solemn event in a church, but found it hard to focus and be mournful because the priest officiating looked like Aaron Eckhart. I had to force myself to stay in my seat when he called communion because I was afraid I would suck on his fingers when his hand passed the wafer to my lips.
But I digress. Yet again. Where were we? Oh, yes… Back to our hunky (goddamnit, why?) priest-in-training Michael. Anyhow, Michael is apparently having a crisis of faith (yay!) and is rethinking his decision to become a priest (double yay!), and is considering going back to his beer-drinking, pool-playing habits (triple yay!). To help him surmount this “quarter-life crisis”, his mentor at the seminary school, Father Matthew (Toby Jones) decides to send him to the Vatican in Rome to attend Exorcism School.
Wait… Wh-wha-WHAT!?!? How the hell is that supposed to reaffirm his faith in the cloth?!?! Sending him to attend wacky batshit training in a place that it’s in the middle of a city filled with some of the most beautiful women in the world? Seems Father Matthew is testing more than just Michael’s faith. Looks like he’s also testing Mikey’s capacity for cold showers. Either that or he wants see how callused Michael’s hands get from jacking off 10 times a day to hot Italian chicks.
Anyway, Michael shows up in Italy and immediately blends in. This guy is so gorgeous, you‘d think he was Italian himself. In the Vatican, though, he immediately lands neck-deep in bizarro crap. Specifically, a series of lectures on demonic possession given by Father Xavier (Ciaran Hinds). It’s all a skeptical Michael can do to keep from rolling his eyes and basically yelling “BULLSHIT!” at the top of his voice.
Sharing his cynical viewpoint is fellow classmate Angeline Vargas (Alicia Braga), a journalist who is taking the exorcist training because, I guess, she’s already written about everything else under the sun - and Father Xavier had an opening. Over coffee with Angeline one night, Michael expounds upon his reasons for doubting the exorcism training and his faith in general. Angeline looks like she’s listening, but you know she’s really thinking four things:
1. “Fuck, you’re a hottie…”
2. “Goddamnit, why did you have to become a priest? What a waste…”
3. “How much grappa and vino should I pour down your throat to get you slobbering drunk?”
4. “Will you hold it against me if I tie you up to my bedposts tonight and milk your nuts dry?”
However, to remain lady-like and proper, Angeline just nods and agrees and pretends to care about more than what Michael’s face looks like when he’s cumming. But this is an Anthony Hopkins movie, after all, and we can’t spend too much time dissecting Colin O’Donoghue awesome physique. Damn it.
Things take a turn for the sinister when Father Xavier instructs Michael to hook up with one Father Lucas Trevant (Anthony Hopkins), who apparently performs exorcisms more frequently than some people re-apply deodorant. Father Lucas tries to impress upon Michael the notion that you have to believe in the existence of the devil in order to be a good exorcist. Michael’s thoughtful and considered response is somewhere along the lines of “Hmmm. Right. Horseshit.”
Will Father Lucas make a believer of Michael? Or will Michael continue to resist? What happens when Father Lucas makes Michael assist during the exorcism of a pregnant teenage girl (Marta Gastini)? Will Michael finally see the face of evil? And when Father Lucas himself starts showing signs of demonic possession, will Michael step up to the plate to exorcise him? But how can he if he doesn’t believe? Will Angeline help? What secrets of her own is she hiding?
Venture forth and find out. Me, I’m writing to the Vatican to demand that they send me pictures of all future priests-in-training so I can approve them. I’m telling you folks right now: any dude that rates a 7 or higher cannot be a priest. No. Fucking. Way.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: The reason THE RITE rates as high as it does is because it refuses to be sensationalistic by accentuating cheap shocks and thrills, and instead focuses on slow-building mood and dread, while keeping its characters front and center at the same time. It doesn’t hurt that the film is inspired by a true program at the Vatican that trains clergymen in the field of demonic exorcism. This authentic foundation gives THE RITE some heft that other similar films sorely lack.
Anthony Hopkins may have his face on the poster, and might be top-billed, but this is Colin O’Donoghue’s movie all the way. The story is just as much about how Michael Kovak tries to find his niche in the world, as much as it is about his loss of faith. In that regard, the character’s dilemma becomes a universal one. Who hasn’t been young once and tried to find his/her way through this crazy world to discover where he/she belongs? THE RITE is essentially about Michael’s journey to find out where he belongs. And the answer is… well, I’ll let you folks find out for yourselves. Bottom line: THE RITE is almost a dark coming-of-age for Michael Kovak.
Anthony Hopkins turns in a solid performance as Father Lucas Trevant. If anyone turned in the same performance, it would earn high praise. But this is Sir Anthony, and he’s turned in stronger work elsewhere. Compared to other performances in his oeuvre, his work here as Father Lucas is not bad, not great - just good. He is best when suggesting the gradual turning of his character to the dark side. During these moments, we get glimpses of a Lecter-ish streak.
Alice Braga, Ciaran Hinds, and Rutger Hauer are all strong in their pivotal supporting roles. Braga, in particular, has a nice presence that is strong without becoming overbearing or strident. While she and O’Donoghue may not strike major sparks, perhaps they were never meant to since their characters’ relationship is primarily a platonic one. They do make a good investigative team.
Make no mistake, though: this film belongs to Colin O’Donoghue. Quietly toiling away in British and Irish film, O’Donoghue makes something of a Hollywood debut here - and he runs with it while graciously ceding the screen to his co-stars when necessary. In his hands, Michael Kovak is believably human and conflicted. We get why he wants to become a priest - but, at the same time, we also understand why he’s afraid to take his final vows. O’Donoghue’s skill in keeping us invested in Michael’s arc, as well as director Mikael Hafstrom’s wise decision to keep the main emphasis of the film on the psychological and emotional aspects of this plot thread, is what makes THE RITE a good film.
All in all, THE RITE is a welcome throwback to the dramatic horror films of the 1970s that focused on telling a story the old-fashioned way: taking its time and keeping the spotlight on the men and women whose actions push the story forward - and whose fates hang in the balance.
