(Good thing this movie is full of cold water - because almost everyone in it is fucking hot as hell…)
CAST: Josh Lucas, Kurt Russell, Jacinda Barrett, Richard Dreyfuss, Emmy Rossum, Mia Maestro, Mike Vogel, Andre Braugher, Kevin Dillon, Stacey Ferguson, Freddy Rodriguez, Jimmy Bennett.
DIRECTOR: Wolfgang Petersen
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and exceedingly attractive people imperiled by modern technology and mother nature… right up ahead.
In 1972, a film titled THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE was released, became a massive hit, and single-handedly created a new cinematic genre: The Disaster Flick. Based on the novel by Paul Gallico, THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE told the tale of the luxury liner HMS Poseidon enroute from New York to Athens, and how a tidal waves slams into it on New Year’s Eve, capsizing the whole damn thing - and flipping it completely upside down. A rag-tag band of survivors makes the hard decision to leave the ballroom and other survivors to try to find a way out through the bottom of the ship - which is now the top. Before the Poseidon sinks into the Mediterranean.
The 2006 remake is simply titled POSEIDON, and this our first sign that director Wolfgang Petersen (DAS BOOT, THE PERFECT STORM, TROY) intends to make this outing a leaner, meaner one. In the original, the tidal wave didn’t hit the ship until about the thirty-minute mark. During the first-act, we got to know the various passengers whose ordeal we would end up following for the rest of the film. POSEIDON is a lot brisker - to say the least - with its character introductions. See, in the remake, the wave hits at about the 15 minute mark, which means we don’t have time to fuck around.
Our heroes are as follows: (1) Dylan Johns (Josh Lucas), smokin’ hot ex-Navy blonde dude who is now some high-stakes gambler; (2) Robert Ramsay (Kurt Russell), smokin’ hot older guy who used to be a fire figher and - oh, why not - the mayor of New York; (3) Maggie James (Jacinda Barrett), smokin’ hot single mom who’s stuck with the most annoying kid ever; (4) Richard Nelson (Richard Dreyfuss), smokin’ hot - for an old fart - gay dude who’s upset about having lost his boyfriend and is planning to kill himself by jumping into the sea; (5) Jennifer Ramsay (Emmy Rossum), Robert’s smokin’ hot daughter who’s secretly gotten engaged to (6) Christian (Mike Vogel), ultra-smokin’ hot blonde dude who looks like he could be Dylan’s younger brother; (7) Elena Gonzalez (Mia Maestro), smokin’ hot stowaway trying to get to her sick brother in NYC; (8) Valentine (Freddy Rodriguez), smokin’ hot waiter who’s letting Elena stowaway on the Poseidon; (9) Captain Bradford (Andre Braugher), sort-of-hot ship’s captain given to quoting mythology and cheesy lines; (10) Gloria (Stacy Ferguson), definitely-hot lounge singer with the eyes for Captain Bradford; (11) Lucky Larry (Kevin Dillon), maybe-hot definitely-annoying card shark who has DEAD MEAT written all over his face; and - last, but certainly the least: (12) Connor James (Jimmy Bennett), the aforementioned son of Maggie who is also the most irritating movie kid ever.
The above twelve folks are our main players this time around. The first fifteen minutes is like a marathon to try to get us acquainted with each of them sufficiently to give a shit whether they live - or turn into fish food. Needless to say, you’re going to be pretty winded by the time that rogue wave shows up. It almost comes as a relief when several million gallons of water finally flip that bitch on its head. At least it keeps Gloria from singing any more sub-Celine Dion ballads.
After the Poseidon flips upside down, the occupants of the ballroom are assured by Captain Bradford that the whole room is like “a giant air pocket that will keep the ship afloat until the rescuers arrive.” Right. Sure. Of course. I’ll file that reassurance right next to other classics like: (1) “the check is in the mail,” (2) “your new haircut looks great,” and (3) “I promise I won’t cum in your mouth this time.”
Fortunately, there are a few folks in the audience who have been on the receiving ends of the above three lines - and know new bullshit when they hear it. It also helps that Richard is actually an architect who makes this very helpful observation: “these ships weren’t designed to float upside down.“ Thanks, Rick. With your talent for stating the obvious, it’s amazing that your lover actually left you.
Anyway, Dylan is the first to decide to high-tail it out of the ballroom while the getting is good. Robert decides to tag along so that he can find Jennifer and Christian in the ship’s night club. Maggie and (goddamnit, why?) Connor decide to come-with, and so does Richard. Oh, and Robert also bribes Valentine to help them navigate their way through the crazy upside down labyrinth that is now the Poseidon. And the rest of the ballroom crowd? Led by Captain Bradford and Gloria, they stay behind and basically wish our group of derring-doers well, saying it was nice knowing them - smug in the (thoroughly misguided) belief that they are safe in that “air pocket.” Memo to the company that owns the Poseidon: you’ll be needing a new captain and buxom lounge singer - very soon.
After collecting Jennifer, Elena, an injured Christian, and the fucking loathsome Lucky Larry from the night club, our group begins the daunting trek of trying to find their way up to the bottom of the ship. Got that? Don’t worry - you’ll get used to it. Just repeat to yourself: the ship is upside down, the ship is upside down, the ship is upside down…
So… will Robert, Dylan, Maggie, Richard, Valentine, Christian, Jennifer, Elena, Lucky Larry, and Connor make it out alive? Or will some of them bite it hard? If so, who? Who will live? Who will die? Who will make the inevitable sacrifice so that a loved one will live? Who will make the inevitable selfish choice to save himself - only to pay for it, big-time? Will Lucky Larry continue to be lucky? Will Jennifer and Christian get to marry? Will Maggie survive to see Connor grow from irritating brat to… irritating adult?
And the most vital question of all: who should I thank for casting Josh Lucas, Mike Vogel, Jacinda Barrett, Emmy Rossum, Mia Maestro, Kurt Russell, and Freddy Rodriguez in this movie - then deciding to get them all wet? Whoever you are: “Thank you for the dripping eye candy.”
See below:
I think I’m going to take a cold shower now.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Very recently, I reviewed DEEP BLUE SEA (review # 144) and found it to be an above-average action-thriller that could’ve made the jump to a full-fledged good movie if director Renny Harlin would have restored some deleted scenes that fleshed out the characters more. Sure, the movie had other flaws, but restoring these scenes (which were good, by the way) would’ve gone a long way in making us care about whether the characters lived or died. As it was presented, DEEP BLUE SEA was reasonably engaging and suspenseful ride that lacked a human touch.
With POSEIDON, we find ourselves running into the same issue. While it is technically well-made, suspenseful, and always exciting, it seems to be missing something that the original 1972 film had in abundance: humanity. Because THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE took the time to introduce the audience to the soon-to-be imperiled cast of characters. By the time the tidal wave hit half-an-hour in, we were invested in them emotionally.
In the remake, the introductions are too brisk and fleeting to stick. We are barely introduced to one person, then we’re off to the next one for another rushed encounter. Then it’s on to the next character, then… well, you get the idea. The point is we don’t get spend enough time with these folks to get a good bead on them before disaster hits, with some characters barely getting any introduction (like Maggie and Gloria).
I read somewhere that the original cut of POSEIDON was actually 122 minutes long, with a lot of character-building scenes. The final theatrical cut clocks in at a lean 99 minutes, so you do the math: clearly, a lot of intimate scenes were excised. Keep a sharp eye on the trailer - then watch the film. You’ll see some scenes that are in the former that are definitely not in the latter. Someone I know who actually read the shooting script also attests to these scenes, which give more insight into the characters, their backgrounds, and their relationships with one another. I also have to wonder, though, if some action sequences weren’t removed, as well.
Another reason POSEIDON is not as good as THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE is a moral one: in the original, the small group trying to escape tries very hard to tell the rest of the survivors in the ballroom that their location isn’t safe - despite the captain’s reassurances. They do their best to convince people to come with them, clearly demonstrating a concern not for just their own survival - but everyone else's, as well. This whole sequence played out in a very suspenseful way as Gene Hackman (in the Josh Lucas role), practically begged people to escape with his tiny group. Only when the other survivors refused repeatedly and adamantly, did Hackman and his gang realize that they had done what they could - and had no choice but to save themselves.
In the remake, unfortunately, the gang led by Dylan doesn’t even make an attempt to get others to go with them. They just band together - and leave. While you could argue that this might be realistic behavior in a disaster, I would counter that there have been many real-life examples of people behaving selflessly and heroically in crises. The actions of the characters in POSEIDON do not demonstrate that. They are simply concerned with their own survival. Had the script been revised to reflect the original film’s moral decision to try to get as many survivors to leave as possible, the film would have a greater emotional grounding.
This isn’t to say that the film is bad. It isn’t. Fortunately, director Wolfgang Petersen knows his way around water-logged action, having helmed such seafaring films as DAS BOOT and THE PERFECT STORM. The action sequences are breathless and tense as the groups tries to outrun the rising waters chasing them from level to level of the ship. The best sequences are: (1) when the rogue wave first hits and capsizes the Poseidon, and (2) when the few surviving characters make a daring exit through the ship’s propellor shaft, before watching the Poseidon sink just a few minutes later.
Speaking of the cast, they’re the other reason the film manages to hold its head above the average mark. While the roles are thinly drawn due to the missing character scenes, they are vividly played by a talented, colorful, and - yes - very good-looking cast. Josh Lucas further proves his leading-man mettle as Dylan. Kurt Russell provides a good foil for Lucas as fellow alpha-male Robert, a man who is used to being in charge. Mike Vogel does well with his role as the smarter-than-he-looks Christian. You can see why Jennifer would fall for him against her dad’s wishes. Speaking of Jennifer, Emmy Rossum has a nice way of projecting emotion with just her eyes, making dialogue almost irrelevant. This ability comes in handy with some very touching scenes of sacrifice between Jennifer and Christian at the very end. And Mike Vogel and Emmy Rossum make one gorgeous couple.
Richard Dreyfuss lends some good old-fashioned gravity as Richard, and provides the film with its only real character arc: a guy whose suicide attempt is interrupted by the tidal wave - and realizes he doesn’t want to die after all. And the beautiful Jacinda Barrett does her best with her very underwritten role of Maggie. I’m sure some of the deleted scenes did a better job of introducing her to us.
Finally, the best character is Elena. As played by Mia Maestro, she is interesting and has the most compelling backstory: stowing away to visit a sick brother in NYC. Will she make it? This small tidbit actually increases our concern for Elena, and is one of the reasons that the character makes a stronger impression than the others. Had the other characters been shaped the same way, POSEIDON would be a stronger film.
As it is, it merely an above-average, reasonably exciting action-thriller. But at least, it has a very beautiful cast. In that regard, it trumps the original.
