(What a waste of all that Italian scenery…)
CAST: Fernanda Andrade, Simon Quarterman, Evan Helmuth, Ionat Grama, Suzan Crowley, Maude Bonnani.
DIRECTOR: William Brent Bell
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some strong arguments for never watching a horror movie again - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: New Jersey hottie Isabella Rossi (Fernanda Andrade) has got some family issues, and when you hear what they are, you will never ever again think your family is fucked-up. Compared to the shit that’s going down in the Rossi household, every other clan is downright Brady Bunch-like. See, turns out Isabella’s mother Maria (Suzan Crowley) went apeshit when Isabella was just, like, a toddler or something - and killed three people. Gets even weirder: turns out these “three people” were members of the clergy who were, erm, trying to exorcise demons from inside Maria. Hence that title - get it? No - we are not talking about the kind of devil that takes you over after ten straight shots of Absolut Vodka. We’re talking about the real Devil - the one who has a zip code in some place far south and very hot, and I ain’t talkin’ about Florida in August.
Anyhow, as you can imagine, growing up with this kind of cloud over your head ain’t fun. So Isabella eventually decides to find out just what the fuck really happened that night years and years ago. She recruits Michael (Ionat Grama), a jackass director friend, to travel to Italy with her. Seems Maria has been transferred by the Vatican to the Centrino Hospital For Total Lunatics And Utter Whackjobs - and Isabella going to pay a visit. Yes, folks… the Vatican got involved. Somehow the Pope and his homeys decided this New Jersey housewife going nuclear on their brethren was important. But why? This is what Isabella and Michael want to find out - and have decided to film their investigations. In Rome, they meet two priests willing to help them with their inquiry: (1) Father Ben Rawlings (Simon Quarterman), studious and stoic British man-of-the-cloth; and (2) Father David Keane (Evan Helmuth), American priest who looks more like he should be working behind the counter of your local Krispy Kreme.
Before you know it, Isabella, Michael, Ben, and David make like the gang from Scooby-Doo and get neck-deep in all sorts of heinous supernatural shit. Are you even surprised?
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Everyone seems to have the IQ of wilting lettuce - except for Father Ben, who actually looks and acts like he has a few brain cells to rub together. But is he smart enough to save everyone from “Dumb Horror Movie Character Syndrome”?
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Brazilian hottie Fernanda Andrade as our Italian-American heroine Isabella wins this one hands-down. The only way she could be hotter is if she truly were Italian…
MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: The baptismal scene. That’s all I’m saying. One word: DAMN. Oh, and the scene with that blind nun staring at Isabella. How the fuck did she know someone was there if she’s blind? HOW?!?!
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Some of the acting. Seriously, guys. Tone it down a little…
HOTTEST SCENE: The demon looking right at Father David and saying (and I’m not making this up): “Let me suck your cock - I know you’ve been fantasizing about it…” Let’s just say the resulting look on Father Dave’s face is something along the lines of: “How did he know? And can I get him alone for just five minutes?” Ha ha ha. Wow… Go for it, dude. Crazy people give the best head.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So… is Maria Rossi actually possessed by demons? Or is she just batshit crazy? What will Isabella discover when she sees her mother for the first time in over 20 years? Will mother and daughter bond? Or will this family reunion be a train wreck? How will Father Ben and Father David combat the evil terrorizing them? And what happens when the demon’s evil influence spreads from Maria - to the team itself? And the most important question of all: will Father David finally give in to temptation and whip his pecker out to let the demon drain his nuts? You know he’s seriously considering it. Just look at that face:
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE DEVIL INSIDE”: If you like “demonic possession” movies and “found footage” flicks. And if you love Italy so much that you are willing to watch any movie set there.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE DEVIL INSIDE”: If you want your horror movies to actually, you know, go somewhere instead of being a bunch of gimmicks. And if you are so so so over the whole “demonic possession” and “found footage” sub-genre…
BUT, SERIOUSLY: With the recent commercial (if not critical) success of demonic-possession horror films like THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE, THE RITE, and THE LAST EXORCISM, as well as that of found-footage horror entries like QUARANTINE and the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies, it was only a matter of time until the next bid for box-office gold came rolling down the pipe. Last week saw the release of THE DEVIL INSIDE - and strike gold, it did. With a relatively miniscule budget of $1 million, the film grossed over $33 million in its first three days of general release in North America. To date, the film has grossed almost $47 million. Unquestionably, it is a box-office smash.
But does that mean it is a good movie? No. Not quite. That’s not to say that THE DEVIL INSIDE didn’t have promise, though. It certainly did. With a foreboding premise and an atmospheric setting (the lovely Italy), it could’ve become a solid entry into the “Demonic Possession-Found Footage” horror subgenre - if it played its cards right. Unfortunately, while there are certainly some eerie and gripping scenes to be found here (such as the exorcisms of Rosa and Maria, the glimpse of that nun, and the disturbing baptism scene), there’s also a lot of theatrical acting that counteracts the whole naturalistic tone that the all “found footage” movies should aspire for. Unlike the best entries into this subgenre like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, QUARANTINE, and PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 1 & 2, you never forget for a second that you are watching a movie with actors.
The first part of THE DEVIL INSIDE also drags interminably, with endless scenes of Isabella, Michael, Ben, and David just sitting around and talking. And just when the story starts to go someplace truly scary - the evil spreading through the exorcists themselves - director William Brent Bell drops the ball in a major way. Fortunately for him, the mere promise of where this movie could’ve gone is enough to keep it from sinking into mediocrity. The last few scenes of THE DEVIL INSIDE are the most effective. If Bell had just explored the promising thread he introduced, this movie would’ve rated higher than average.
The cast is competent, but most of them seem either too detached (Fernanda Andrade) or too melodramatic (Evan Helmuth, Ionat Grama, Suzan Crowley, and the hospital staff). Only Simon Quarterman as Father Ben Rawlings strikes a good balance between the two ends of the emotional spectrum. He’s easily the standout of the film. As such, he becomes more sympathetic than Isabella, who should be the focus of our empathy and interest - but isn't because Andrade, as lovely as she is, somehow fumbles the character. Quarterman and the lovely, brooding Roman scenery are some compensation.
In the end, THE DEVIL INSIDE had promise but was cut short by some half-baked execution. I would wait to rent this one on DVD instead…
Speaking of Italy, I have to cut this review short so we can tune in to the much-awaited Serie A death match between city rivals AC Milan and Inter-Milan. Kickoff is just minutes away…
My money’s on Giampaolo Pazzini, Javier Zanneti, Dejan Stankevic, Yuto Nagatomo, and their Nera-Azzuri fratellos from Inter-Milan. I always root for the Underdog, and I bet this game is going to be a lot more exciting than THE DEVIL INSIDE.
And there goes the ball!
UPDATE: Inter won, 1-0. Viva Nera-Azzuri!
