(Let‘s just say that Gianluigi Buffon, Marco Materazzi, Gennaro Gattuso, and Paolo Cannavaro have absolutely nothing to worry about…)
CAST: Missy Pyle, Emily Osment, Dan Cortese, Elon Gold, Robert Cavanah, Master P, Cassie Scerbo, Kristen Wilson.
DIRECTOR: Gregory McClatchy
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one faux-Italian soccer coach - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: It’s a bleak time in the Handler household, for the following reasons: (1) Papa Handler just died, and (2) daughter Becca (Emily Osment) is devastated for obvious reasons, but also because (3) Dad was her soccer team’s coach, and (4) he was the Shiznit, apparently, and (5) the new coach isn‘t, and (6) mom Wendy (Missy Pyle) while sweet and supportive, also knows as much about soccer as a Brit does about American football. Which ain’t enough to fill 1/10th of a thimble. And Wendy rarely makes it to the games because of the hair salon she runs. For crying out loud, Wendy thinks soccer is played in “innings”, and that a “red flag” gets a player booted out of the game, and that “Mia Hamm” is a food product. Needless to say, not exactly dad’s equal when it comes to appreciation of the “Beautiful Game.”
At any rate, things start to look up ever so slightly (okay more than ever so slightly) when Coach Kenny (Steve Hytner) gets transferred to Italy because of his day job (some sort of zipper designer for a fashion house - really). What’s even better is that Kenny has arranged for World-famous Italian soccer superstar Lorenzo Vincenzo (Dan Cortese) to exchange countries with him - and coach the girls since Lorenzo will be spending a sabbatical in the States. Unfortunately, when Lorenzo arrives in Bella America and Wendy meets him, they both discover there was a fundamental misunderstanding - Lorenzo didn’t realize the girls were fourteen-year olds. And according to Lorenzo, he “does-a not-a coach-a the-a little-a girls-a team-a!” The only thing missing is him yelling “Succhiare il cazzo!” at Wendy and grabbing his crotch at the same time. Maybe in the deleted scenes…
Anyhow, faced with this last-minute unpleasant surprise, Wendy has two options: (1) break the bad news to the girls that Lorenzo Vincenzo is out of the picture in a big way and tell them to roll with the punches; or (2) have her best gay friend/hair salon employee/closet soccer devotee Tony (Elon Gold) not only give her a makeover that makes her look exactly like Lorenzo - but also pose as her assistant coach and school her on everything soccer so she can pretend she is Lorenzo Vincenzo, Italian Soccer Stud, and coach the girls’ team to victory.
Guess which one she chooses…
Before
AfterYes - she makes the choice that every reasonable human being of at least average intelligence would make. Not sure why, though, because the Galaxy girls don’t look like they know the difference between a sliding tackle, a block tackle, or a bait and tackle shop.
By the way, I should mention that Becca’s team is called, ahem, “The Galaxy“. No, I assure you they are not affiliated with that Galaxy from L.A. They fucking wish. If they were, David Beckham would go back to England forever and burn all of his MLS gear.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Tony, the fairy who knows more about soccer than most announcers at Fox Soccer. If it weren’t for the fact that this guy is a hairdresser and not an armchair film critic, I would’ve been sure the producers of SOCCER MOM had based him on me - and demanded a cut of the profits.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Dan Cortese, being Italian, is naturally very hot. Even though in his “Lorenzo Vincenzo” get-up, he looks too much like Cheech and Chong rolled into one. That’s okay, though. He still wins. Missy Pyle never fails to crack me up, whether she’s playing sweet, kooky, or both, and is very pretty. Tony Elon is kind of cute, too. Three-peat! Hat Trick Hotties!
MOST INTENTIONALLY FUNNY SCENE: Wendy impersonating Lorenzo, then hanging out with all the soccer dads, trying to act all “butch and manly”. Then the real Lorenzo shows up at the same bar… uh-oh Fucking. Priceless.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY SCENE: Coach Kenny’s “pep” talk to the Galaxy at the very beginning. Damn, dude, why not just bitch-slap them while you’re at it? Also, the scene where Wendy’s best pal Dee Dee (Kristen Wilson) gives “Lorenzo” some serious “fuck-me” eyes - not realizing it is really, ahem, Wendy. Kinky.
HOTTEST SCENE: Well, if you mean “hottest” as in “most exciting in a non-sexual way” it would have to be the climactic battle between the Galaxy and the Bitches. Well, technically they’re called the Malibus - but let’s face it: they’re the bad team so they’re Bitches.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: How long can Wendy get away with this harebrained scheme? How long can she trick Becca, the other Galaxy girls, and their parents into thinking she is actually an Italian stud-muffin soccer player? How long can Tony continue to feed her with his endless knowledge of soccer technique and history? How long can she and the real Lorenzo keep nearly-running into each other? How long can Becca and the Galaxy girls last in the final match against the Malibu Biyatches? How long? HOW LONG!?!?!
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SOCCER MOM”: If you love soccer, female soccer players, and comedies about them that are pretty wacky but also surprisingly funny and good. If so… GOAL!!!
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SOCCER MOM”: If you are more into football (American) or baseball, and would rather watch movies about those sports. And if you don’t like your comedies to be too wacky. If so, your choice - and your loss.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Watching SOCCER MOM, I kept thinking of another one of our reviews, the solidly hilarious GRANDMA’S BOY (review # 48). Now, SOCCER MOM and GRANDMA’S BOY have nothing in common, plot-wise, but they both share the same goofy/wacky type of humor. And, most importantly, they are both so confident and cheery that you can’t help but be won over by them. They also had leads that were very likable and easy to root for. That is something that many films surprisingly lack; if you don’t like the main character, why would you hang out with them for a couple of hours?
SOCCER MOM’s premise is admittedly pretty farfetched. How could a suburban American woman who knows nothing about soccer hope to impersonate a swarthy Italian soccer star for more than five seconds? The script at least tries to provide Wendy a reason for employing this fairly ridiculous tactic: her daughter can’t take any more disappointment after the death of her father who was also her soccer coach. In short, Wendy does it for her daughter - which, from a “movie logic“ (if not a “reality logic”) standpoint, makes some sense. That’s the biggest leap we as the audience have to take, and you pretty much have to take it or stop watching the movie. My advice is to go ahead - because once you do, some of the gags and yuks waiting around the corner are fairly inspired.
There’s a great sequence in a bar where Wendy-as-Lorenzo has to socialize with all the fathers of her players - and she has to try to match their swagger by boasting about women and sex and other such things. Then, to make matters even more dicey, the real Lorenzo shows up and sits right behind her, making the charade doubly hilarious. And then the same waitress ends up serving both tables - leading to some priceless confusion. Then there’s the scene (glimpsed in the trailer) where Wendy-as-Lorenzo gives a cashier her driver’s licence - and the cashier just gives the most priceless reaction. Best non-soccer scene in the movie…
Speaking of the soccer scenes, they are energetic and also amusing - primarily because Wendy knows nothing about soccer and has to rely on Tony’s expertise and knowledge. A lot of humor comes from her “fish-out-of-water” trial-by-fire, and trying not to give away the fact that she is not “Lorenzo.” It should be noted that SOCCER MOM is as funny as it is because of Missy Pyle’s charm and appeal. As mentioned above, she turns Wendy into a very likable lead you can get behind, and it’s nice to see her take on a leading role for a change. Pyle and Elon Gold as the gay but soccer-savvy Tony make a great comic team. They’re the best thing about this movie.
The rest of the cast is solid. Dan Cortese hams it up as the Italian soccer star Lorenzo Vincenzo, and he’s clearly having a good time just like everyone else. Emily Osment spends much of the first part of the movie looking understandably glum, but does a credible job of lightening up when “Lorenzo” begins coaching the team. Then there’s Steve Hytner as Coach Kenny, who is a droll delight - especially in that early “pep” speech he gives the team. With that kind of leadership, is it any wonder they’re at the bottom of their league? Very, very mean speech - but also very, very funny.
In the end, SOCCER MOM is a wacky, goofy, and surprisingly good comedy that benefits from the same cheerful confidence that elevated the similarly goofy and wacky GRANDMA’S BOY. Both of them will definitely put a smile on your face.
In closing some music and soccer to toast this good flick - and the achievements of the U.S. National Women’s Soccer Team. Go, girlz! Some great pics in the vid below.
