(Megan Fox, we miss you, but Rosie H-W has got better DSLs - Dick Sucking Lips…)
CAST: Shia LeBouef, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro, Frances McDormand, Patrick Dempsey.
DIRECTOR: Michael Bay
WARNING: Some seriously guilty pleasures straight ahead - enough to make you feel so… dirty.
Folks, I’m a terminally honest person, and I’m going to come out and be straight-up with y’all: I have not seen TRANSFORMERS 1 and 2. Yes, I think Shia LeBoeuf is cool as fuck. Yes, I was the first kid on my block to own a Transformer Toy. Yes, I think Megan Fox is an ultra-hottie and if I swung more her way than Chris Evans‘, she would be in soooooooo much trouble. No, I don’t mind Michael Bay as much as you would think. Despite being an unapologetically commercial director, the man does have an undeniable visual style and acid humor that never fails to engage me.
So, no. I don’t have an excuse. Except that maybe I need to take my ass down to the local Blockbuster (yes, I am an old fart who needs to get with the Netflix generation) and rent them. Anyhow, this is the reason I was a bit reluctant to see TRANSFORMERS 3 when my pal “Nia Vardalos” (because she looks like said actress) chose the flick as our latest spectacle. “Nia”, however, assured me that I would not be lost, and she could fill in any blanks, if needed. So, being an easy person (in more ways than one), I relented and accepted.
And she was right. I didn’t have a problem following the plot, which goes a little something like this, apparently: two races of shockingly-flexible space robots called Autobots and Decepticons have escaped their dying planet called Metatron, and have decided to duke it out on Earth, with her inhabitants being caught in the crossfire. Chief among the inhabitants who are about to either becomes heroes or Transformer-fodder were (1) Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBoeuf), a dude who seems remarkably well-adjusted considering his name sounds too much like “Wet Wicky”; (2) Mikaela Barnes (Megan Fox), the smoking’-hot chick who knows more about cars than Sam, and gets pulled into the fray because of it; and (3) a shitload of other folks including a couple of hot military dudes (Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson).
However, as anyone who has an even passing awareness of movie news knows, Megan Fox left the production of TRANSFORMERS 3 because she called director Michael Bay, ahem, something rather unflattering. Not my business, so I’m not even going to go there. You want to find out what she called him, go find back-issues of Entertainment Weekly. Anyhow, realizing that Shia LeBoeuf is going to need another love interest, otherwise people might think he and Josh Duhamel secretly have the hots for each other, the producers of this flicks scoured every catalog of Victoria’s Secret they could find - and settled on British model Rosie Huntington-Whitely.
Not hard to see why: (1) she’s tall, (2) gorgeous, and (3) has lips the size of a sectional sofa. Megan Fox’s puckers ain’t got nothing on those babies. Oh, and Ms. Huntington-Whitely has an awesome British accent that just makes you want her to say anything to you, even if it’s only “You could stand to lose some weight, you tosser.” Nothing makes an insult sound sexier than a British accent.
Anyhow, our story opens with Sam having survived the events of the previous two movies, including graduating from college. He’s moved to Washington DC, where the following have occurred: (1) he received a medal from President Obama, (2) he has pretty much been given the runaround as far as job searches are concerned, and (3) has landed a nuclear-hot girlfriend in Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whitely), a British-embassy-attached-turned-car-museum-hostess (or something). Carly works for a smarmy prick named Dylan (Patrick Dempsey) who you just know is going to turn out to be a baddie.
Sure enough, the Autobots and Decepticons rear their metallic heads again and decide to throw down once more. This time, it involves reviving the lost planet of Megatron (or something) and using the Earth’s resources to accomplish that. Before you know it, Chicago becomes the focal point of internecine warfare between the walking metal heaps in a ferocious battle to the death - with Sam, Carly, and our military hotties once again caught in the crossfire.
Will the Decepticons triumph over the Autobots this time? Or will the good guys win yet again? Will Sam pitch in and do his share in saving the Earth yet again? Or will he just say “Fuck this” and go on vacation with Carly and lay out (and lay each other) on a Philippine beach?
You know what I would do. Break out the sunblock and edible body oil…
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Like I mentioned above, I haven’t seen either the first or second installment of the TRANSFORMER series. Fortunately, that didn’t really stop me from enjoying the action spectacle that is TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON. What I like about Michael Bay’s movies (even ARMAGEDDON and THE ROCK) is how loose and fun they are. They may be too loud and action-oriented, but their common denominator is always the warm rapport between the characters. One of my mottos in life is “Laughter is the Best Medicine” and “Always Smile”, and I think the best way to get an audience to warm to film characters is through humor and kindness. The strengths of Bay’s films are their hidden humanity and sly comic sensibility, and this film’s best moments emphasize that just as much as it does the impressive (and eventually numbing) action.
Shia LeBoeuf is rapidly shaping up to be a formidable lead actor. He’s only 25 - practically a baby - but he has the gravity and confidence of a much older actor. In fact, I’ve started to think of him as a younger, American version of Russell Crowe. Or “Baby Crowe.” LeBoeuf just owns the screen with a potent combo of raw masculinity, goofy humor, and brash charisma. If he plays his cards right, and I hope he does, he could very well mirror Russell Crowe’s career.
The biggest question is whether model-turned-actress Rosie Huntington-Whitely makes us forget Megan Fox. Well, not having seen the first two TRANSFORMERS or Fox’s performances in them, I can’t really say or compare Huntington-Whitely’s work to hers. I can only judge it in terms of this film, and considering H-W has never acted before, she does reasonably well. Of course, the role of Carly doesn’t really call for more than H-W to be beautiful, sweet, and feisty, but she does it in a natural way that doesn’t draw any negative attention. She doesn’t embarrass herself, and manages to hold her own against LeBoeuf and the rest of the more experienced cast.
John Turturro, Frances McDormand, Josh Duhamel, Patrick Dempsey, and Tyrese Gibson all provide vivid support to LeBoeuf and Huntington-Whitely. Most engaging is Frances McDormand, whose driven, impatient character appears to be modeled off Miranda Priestley (Meryl Streep) in THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA. McDormand is a hoot, especially in her scenes with Turturro as a returning scientist from the first two flicks. I’d like to see more of these two in future sequels…
In the end, I enjoyed TRANSFORMERS 3. If it has a flaw that keeps it from rating higher than above-average, it’s that the climactic battle in Chicago between the warring Transformers and the humans caught between them, goes on a little too long. Other than that, though, it’s guilty pleasure of a good time…
Now, I must remind myself to get TRANSFORMERS 1 and 2 to get caught up…
